Let’s start with the facts: I am an aunt to 8 kids, 4 boys and 4 girls. I became an aunt at the age of eighteen and like clock work, a child was born every two years after that. My oldest brother has 6 kids and my other brother has 2 kids. At the age of thirty two, my youngest niece was born right around my birthday in October.
But who really cares about me being an aunt? Well, I wasn’t just ANY aunt. In my early years of being “Auntie Shari”, I was the young, fun, and super involved aunt who saw the kids every week. I played with them, had special auntie dates with them, and people often thought they were my kids (they are all blondes like me).
What did spending so much time with them teach me? I learned what it meant to be an aunt and what a special role I played in their lives. I learned that their mom and dad always had the final say. I learned that I couldn’t discipline them but I could let them know what was and wasn’t okay. I learned that it was a privilege to be the fun, funny, and loving aunt and I hope that is how they remember me during those early years. When I was twenty six my oldest brother with the 5 (now 6) kids moved to Ohio. I grieved their move like I was grieving a death. I know it sounds dramatic but Washington to Ohio is a big move for our Pacific Northwest based family. Plus, did I mention I saw them weekly if not more?! Those kids were everything to me. The impact of their move floored me and was an identity shift that I will dig into on another blog post.
Now, nearly 6 years post their move to Ohio (where they still currently live), I just got married and have started a family of my own. Not a conventional family but a blended family. I am lucky enough to be a stepmom to 3 amazing kids. Very quickly after getting introduced as their dad’s “girlfriend” I easily slipped into that ‘fun aunt’ role with them. Similarly to how I respected my brother and sister-in-law as my nieces’ and nephews’ parents, I accept my husband and his ex-wife as my step kids’ parents. I learned so much from being an involved aunt that I can now apply to being a hands-on, loving, and fun stepmom.
Tickle fights, one-on-one dates, slow to anger (which means remembering that they are just kids), building sand castles, watching them play video games, throwing the football, belly laughs, the same movies and music on repeat, and keeping all their favorite snacks stocked…I have been inducted into the stepmom hall of fame and I am here for it. All of it. The good, the bad, the ugly, and all those beautiful moments in between.
Oftentimes I find myself saying “ask your dad” or “what do you normally get to do” which helps differentiate that I am not their mom or dad, I am a special person in their life but not the one biologically responsible. Trust me I love them fiercely but, let’s be real, like any kid they can get on your last nerve… lol. Thankfully, they are also incredibly easy to love and give love in return.
So if you are a stepmom (or stepdad) and having a rough time, I suggest changing your mindset to the fun aunt (or uncle). I also suggest remaining calm and communicating well with your spouse. Give yourself some grace and when all else fails, book a family getaway weekend and make some fun new memories.
The Salty Exchange 