It seems as if I have been aware of my weight (and therefore, how I look) for as long as I can remember. It also seems as if I have forever been dissatisfied with this part of myself. Weight management is a super prevalent part of our culture… especially for women. There are an array of programs out there catered towards staying healthy, getting healthy, loving yourself, etc. It’s almost overwhelming. And after years of reflection and struggle with all of it, here is where I have finally decided I stand.
I just don’t care anymore. I cannot possibly keep up with it. Nor do I want to. I have realized that I don’t think I will ever look in the mirror and say that my naked body is sexy… I mean, I like certain parts of my body! I definitely appreciate my body and what it is capable of. The point has just come where I don’t want to keep trying to reach some ideal in my head. For some, those goals are super healthy and an essential part of living their best lives! I totally get that and respect that… to each their own! For me, I need to let that go.
I have been heavier than I am now and I have been thinner than I am now. The conclusion that I have really come to is that I just want to FEEL good. And once I figured out what that means to me, it’s been easier to come up with a realistic perspective of weight management. One that doesn’t make me feel like crap or tell me that I am crap for not reaching milestones. For me, being active and having the stamina to keep up with my daughter is what makes me feel good. Exercise has helped me heal from some pregnancy stuff, toned me up a bit, and given me endurance. And let me tell you, I need endurance when I am running around after my 22 month old.
Back in November, I committed to working out again. We were finally settled in our home and developing a familial routine. Routine is KEY for me. Routine keeps me happy and sane. It keeps me motivated. So once that was flowering, I decided to start hitting the gym again. Lucky for me, my husband built an amazing home gym so all I need to do is trot down to my basement, turn on some tunes and get to work. When I started getting my butt down to the gym, I realized how much better I was feeling… how my body was finally healing from carrying R for 9 months. My flexibility improved. My stamina improved. Heck, even my sex drive improved! My weight… meh sure, I have lost a little. I am slowly toning up though and I am committed to being in the gym AT LEAST 4 times a week. Ideally 5 days but sometimes that’s just hard. Some days I just need sleep or my little one is going crazy and I need to parent more than I need to hit a HIIT or work on my abs.
Working out and not trying to desperately reach a goal has been good for me. I love that it is part of my morning routine. Since COVID-19 has hit, it has also become the ONLY time of day that is mine alone… no kiddo to watch and no partner to check in on. Issy makes this time more efficient for me and actually plans my workouts… with my input, of course. This time makes me feel like I am also doing something important for my daughter. I am showing her (as is my husband with his daily gym time) that taking care of our bodies is important and natural. It’s not a spectacle… it’s just what you do. I want her to see that her mom can lift weights and jump rope like a boss… just as she is; not thinner, not bigger, but just as I am. More importantly, I want to show her that loving your body and taking care of it doesn’t have to be an unhealthy or all-consuming battle.
I am never going to be a size 0. And probably never a size 8… though I CAN get there, I really don’t want to maintain it… it’s too time consuming. I comfortably sit at a size 10-14 and have since I was 21. And I am ok with that. I’ve got great T&A and I don’t really want to apologize for it. I eat healthy about 85% of the week and listen to my body. That’s a skill that’s taken me YEARS to hone in on but it’s the most important skill. My body wants to work out and eat healthy food… so I do that… it also wants a pizza on a weekly basis… and that’s ok- that’s why God made the Dominos app. I am ok with that. I am ok with working on my body being a long process. Getting caught up and obsessed is no longer an option- it sucks, is time consuming, and will only further perpetuate a cycle of self-hate… and to quote Roger Murtaugh, “I’m getting too old for this shit.” I am in a place where I really just want to be ok with my life… constantly improving but not in a destructive way and constantly giving everything I have to myself and my family. And my dog. It’s all about joy… because life is too damn short to not have some joy y’all.
The Salty Exchange 