They are marketed as meak, quiet, boring, and unhappy people. Who wants to be friends with an introvert when you can hang out with a fun extrovert? Well, I suppose the answer is up to you!
I am very much an introvert. Specifically, I believe myself to be a social and thinking introvert. Always have been. Probably always will be. I prefer time alone to recharge and feed my soul. Big crowds can be overwhelming and make me feel very insecure. I don’t have a particularly “big” personality. I cannot (not even to save my life) charm a crowd of people. Attention paid to me of any kind makes me a bit uneasy. Ok, a lot uneasy. I am better off one on one. That’s me. And I am ok with it.
With all of that though, I am a lot of other things… more peppy things. I am a realist (which makes my optimism more authentic- in my opinion). I love getting to know people- just not all at once. Because I get to know people on a personal one-on-one level, I also remember a great deal about those individuals. I am self-reflective and take my time making decisions… which is a good thing for my family. Hence, my personal identification as a social and thinking introvert.
Taking ownership of this part of myself has taken some time. Hell, liking myself has taken way too much time. Being an introvert in college always made me feel… inadequate. Pair that with a very angsty and intense battle with depression and I WAS very much a stereotypical introvert. With the help of medicine and counseling, I was able to overcome a lot of the darker parts of introversion. Better than that, I was able to understand how my introversion can get in my own way and how to work on combating it. I don’t want to be so fearful of the world or closed off that I sabotage the important parts of my life.
I often feel the need to defend myself because of how I live out my introverted ways. For example, my husband loves to socialize. I can- to a point. I am happy to leave him at a party and go home to either watch a movie or go to sleep. People often misread this and assume I am pissed at them or him because he didn’t leave with me. Not the case, my friends. Another example? I dislike large social gatherings… even with friends! I prefer smaller group settings… but I will do both because I am not so introverted as to not appreciate socialization… especially in the time of this pandemic isolation. And a final example is that I am terrible at engaging in loud debate and banter. To this point, I am very capable of being loud and more “fun.” It’s just exhausting. AND depending on what we are talking about or where I am, I often feel shy about talking too much. Why waste my breath when I know I can’t possibly keep up with more boisterous friends? My silence isn’t a sign of disinterest or even lack of knowledge on the subject… I am just listening and (usually) enjoying myself! So be flattered when 6 months from now I remember what you said and chat with you about it.
To put it simply, I prefer a more mellow approach to life. Thus, it can be assumed that quarantine hasn’t been as challenging for me. You would be right. Being in quarantine has been hard on MANY levels but not really on my mental health and well-being. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss my friends- because I do. I hate that our families have had to cancel trips out here because I do love and want to see them. All it means is that being on my own during this time has really helped me to refocus, reflect, and plan for the future. As an introvert, these are all GOOD things- for me. So, my name is Kendall and I am your resident introvert at your service.
I wouldn’t consider myself an Enneagram expert by any means. The Enneagram (if you haven’t heard of it before) is a collection of nine personality types and each “Type #” has a different description. At its core, the Enneagram helps us to see ourselves at a deeper, more objective level and can be of invaluable assistance on our path to self-knowledge.
When it came time for me to figure out what number on the Enneagram fit my personality type, it was painfully obvious. Don’t get me wrong, I feel very seen as an Enneagram Type 7 but with every personality test or classification there are parts that make you say, “Hey wait a second, do I really come across that way?” AND that is the painful reality of self awareness. No, I don’t relate to EVERY part of the description of Enneagram 7, however, I’d say The Enthusiast description is 98% accurate; see the below excerpt below from the Enneagram Institute website:
“Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied. Their key motivations are to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid the possibility of pain.”
Amelia Earhart was also a Type 7 🙂
It is true, I am an extrovert but there are some common misconceptions that I have learned over the years. People assume I am always busy. While I enjoy doing a variety of activities, I also enjoy relaxing at home. I do not have infinite energy (I wish) and don’t always feel like socializing and networking (blasphemy!). I get tired and exhausted; I am human. During a time in my life when I was networking daily, working late, and burning the candle at both ends (so to speak), I remember thinking, “I wonder what would happen if all my plans all got cancelled?” I never thought that question would become a reality but due to Covid it has…
What have I learned about myself from COVID?
I have learned that having a full calendar isn’t always fulfilling. As much as I love being on the go and looking forward to the next adventure, it took my attention and focus away from those closest to me. Cancelled plans back in March of 2020 translated into free time that I wasn’t used to having but welcomed; re-organizing my neglected home to suit my work-from-home needs, quality time with on my soon-to-be husband, re-planning an upcoming wedding, all these things required me to rely on my quick problem solving skills (I love brainstorming and thinking creatively). Although I can list off all those positive outcomes due to Covid cancelling my plans (very type 7 of me), I still have to acknowledge that I miss people, I miss physical touch (hug me!), and simply being in social settings like events and family gatherings. I had travel plans that I was really looking forward to in 2020 (including my honeymoon) and canceling or changing them ALL was rough. I can understand the ‘dumpster fire’ that was 2020 but my personality can’t help but simultaneously reveal all the silver linings as well.
As a Type 7, there are a few things I think you should know… with their naturally cheerful outlook on life their bright ideas are often brushed off as wishful thinking, when actually they want to be taken seriously. Often my ability to spin a situation in an optimistic light and my excitement for a specific topic may seem like an *eye roll* enthusiasm to most. However, I‘ve genuinely thought the topic through and my ideas are worth taking into consideration. I can’t tell you how many times my initial idea was overlooked, only to be what the group finally agreed on weeks later. Frustrating. Similarly, Type 7’s are great at problem solving and generating ideas “on the fly” – this is probably the reason I am a professional event planner and enjoy the spontaneity of being on-site and working logistics for events. Often I find myself getting so caught up in making sure the event is going smoothly and everyone is having a good time, that I literally forget to take care of myself. It took years of physically demanding events to realize I have to sit down, drink water, take a self evaluation on how I am doing and not to overexert myself and my energy. I have also learned to ask for help, which isn’t always easy.
Me trying to balance EVERYTHING. But not really me.
Another reason I value learning more about my Enneagram Type is to become more self aware. Self awareness can go a long way- especially when you are trying to relate to those close to you. For example, I practice empathy, not because it doesn’t come naturally but I am just so used to dismissing my own pain that I struggle to acknowledge other people’s pain. I have worked hard to empathize and not try to make the other person see the “bright side” of the situation, like I would do to myself. I’ve learned how to sit with my friends and family in their pain and their grief and I am still learning how to do that for myself. Check out my post on unconventional grief.
I encourage you to start there (take the free test if you’d like) and if you want to know more, I suggest the Sleeping At Last Podcast that discusses each Enneagram Type. Sleeping At Last is an artist that wrote a song for each Type and the way the artist approached each Enneagram Type with such specific sounds, detailed lyrics, and genuine care is amazing. Here is the song for the Type 7, simply named Seven:
There are two parts in this song that related to me in a very personal way…
“I will find the silver lining no matter what the price”
This line made me realize that at the expense of myself, I aim to see the positive even when I really need to allow myself the pain of the situation in order to process and move forward stronger, healthier, and more self aware.
The other part of the song that I related deeply to was the part about travel…
“Let me tell you another secret of the trade
It feels like sinking when I’m standing in one place
So I look to the future and I book another flight
It is known that Type 7’s get bored easily and like to look ahead to the future and worthwhile experiences. That is VERY me, that was my 2020 plan… so many trips to look forward to… Interesting to use a concept of travel to expose the 7’s inability to feel satisfied and thus always want to seek something new and exciting. Also showcasing my point earlier about pain and being able to suppress it and move forward in the lyrics “when everything feels heavy I have learned to travel light”.
To wrap up this long post about Enneagram Type 7’s, I just have to say to my fellow 7’s… stay curious. Don’t let others diminish your sense of childlike wonder and happiness just because they don’t understand it. I tell myself this a lot lately. And to anyone who knows their Enneagram Type but doesn’t think it accurately describes you… it probably doesn’t. The Enneagram is a guideline, not a perfect representation. The beauty of being alive is to be unique and ever evolving.
In late 2019, I rededicated myself to “wellness.” I knew it was going to be a long journey and not a get rich quick scheme. I wasn’t expecting dramatic results for a few reasons:
I wanted to give myself some grace and not be too ambitious and then, as a result of potential failure, be disappointed in myself.
I really wasn’t focused on anything other than establishing a routine, finding new ways to care for the various parts of myself that motherhood had pushed to the side, and creating a mental space in which I could healthily address all the thoughts and feelings that go along with being healthy and well.
Despite 2020 being a bit of a total mind f&#k, I think I did a really good job of prioritizing my health and what it means to me. I got to know my body again through pushing the limits in workouts, figuring out what I actually like to eat (because that’s not quite what I originally thought it would be), what I need mentally, and in prioritizing my partnership with my husband. All of these things taught me one thing: Obsessing about my body and losing weight really isn’t for me (see my post from a few months back about that). And, it still isn’t. I have been thinner, and I have been bigger. The truth is, I like myself in THIS moment… it only took 32 years to happen, but hey, it did. I have a bit more cellulite than my past self and my backside looks WAY different than it used to but oh well. I really don’t mind it. What my journey to wellness enlightenment has given me is a better appreciation for my body and what it’s capable of and why I need to take care of it.
The truth is, I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to tackle the weight stuff and the self-confidence of that issue until now. I am one of just many people who grew up associating worth with weight. And oddly enough, you feel like you have MORE worth when you weigh LESS. And when I used to try and fight that battle, I always ended up losing and hating myself for it. To be fair, health and being mindful of your body and the decisions you make with it ARE important. It is common sense that a healthy salad is probably a better choice than a triple cheeseburger and fries… now, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t indulge. BECAUSE YOU SHOULD. But you should also eat the salad and find a way to not hate it. Don’t like salads? I have some alternatives that I will share with you in a bit. I learned that I really like salads. I don’t like plain salads… I like really hearty salads that are full of mixed greens, protein, nuts, maybe some blueberries, and a great homemade vinaigrette and some feta. I genuinely like that stuff. I also love to stuff my face with pizza… So, how do I balance?
Well, that’s the kicker isn’t it? There are a bunch of different avenues to go down when it comes to the subject of wellness. And, boy oh boy- EVERYONE has an opinion. Not just an opinion… but like, an opinion… you know what I mean? And the truth is, everyone’s body differs in what it needs. The key for me to properly address my health is to not be afraid to ask questions, not be afraid of my scale (not an easy emotional feat), and to have ownership of my decisions. That’s ME. I have friends who do other things and stay in great health! And for some other friends, it takes like no effort… and yeah, you can bet I am jealous. Imagine how much mental space would be freed up if staying in shape and keeping your body truly healthy took absolutely no effort? What a different place the world would be… Instead, my instagram and facebook feeds are littered with ads for different weight loss teas (seriously… WTF), workout styles (I personally love Cassey Ho from Blogilates and was doing her program super consistently before getting pregnant), and different diets… oh, the diets. It’s an endless puzzle of sorting through these things. And here’s the thing… I have a lot of knowledge of food. A lot. It’s all jumbled in my head and it’s been hard for me to make sense of it all. So… I caved. I researched a bunch of different programs to see if one of them might be a good fit for what I was trying to achieve. What was that, you ask? Well, now that I am on a good physical fitness path, I am trying to figure out how what I eat affects my body. Do I bloat? Do I lose sleep? Is my energy depleted or lifted? HOW DO I FEEL? And the truth is this: ALL of this is very much influenced by your own personal goals. As I said, I am not in this journey for immediate results… I barely have a final “number” in mind because for me it isn’t about that. I am ok with the slow and steady race that I can actually maintain for the rest of my life. I am in no mood to be let down by a program that promises a lot of things in a short amount of time that is either impossible to maintain or too expensive to maintain. Enter, Noom.
Noom. It’s EVERYWHERE. Truth be told, their success stories were, sure, inspiring. But I didn’t really care about them… what I did find out I was interested in is that I got to set the script for my goals; how I got there, how I am motivated, and more importantly, doing all of that and not instantly reverting to 24 year old Kendall (ugh- she was a mess) and hating myself for not being perfect at it all. Noom has things in place to keep you accountable such as food and water logs, exercise logs (hey NOOM- add a HIIT setting, will you?), daily lessons that are a required part of the journey, and your very own personal goal specialist to help you meet milestones and give you support along the way (a real person, not a robot). Personally, I like Noom; despite the extra cheesy factor, I like them and feel comfortable taking 10 minutes out of my day to do the work. I am a relatively new Noom user but will be keeping you updated in the coming months about how I feel, how it helps, etc. I think what I most appreciate about Noom is that everything is on me to accomplish. Sure, I have support (and they teach you a lot about the psychology of food (which I knew a lot of but had a hard time organizing to make it relevant to me) but it’s up to me. I don’t feel bad that I am getting out of the holiday food funk and some days are great and some are bad. There is no beating myself up. I am just chugging along on my journey. That alone is something I could not have done in my twenties. I simply wasn’t mentally mature enough to really understand health and wellness… but then again, it’s not like they teach you how to love yourself in school. That S*^t just comes with time. And patience.
I could go into all the different tips and tricks that I find useful, but the truth is… you don’t need it. As I said, the idea of what constitutes wellness and health is different for everyone… whatever that looks like, YOU DO YOU. What I will share with you all are a few different links to great articles that give you truly good and wholesome recipes (nope, not all of them are salads). So go forth and live well. Don’t take that for granted. At the time of this writing the US Coronavirus death toll is 406K. Life is really fragile, y’all. Take care of yourselves… Whether that’s eating a quinoa bowl, running a 5K in your city (by yourself of course, because, you know- COVID), or biting into a big ole’ bowl of homemade mac and cheese- make sure to be feeding yourself in every possible way. Get the facial. Binge the show. Take the nap. Go on a walk. For me, it will be taking my daughter out into the snow to play and be merry. That trumps my workout today. Be well, my friends.
Need some food inspo? Check out these articles- they’ve got some good and healthy recipes!
Health: what a LOADED word that is. It can mean so many different things to so many people and, sadly, most of us still struggle to define it in a truly healthy way.
My adolescent brain associated heath with weight and athleticism. As a 16 year old, going into my junior year of high school, I trained all summer in the hot and blistering sun to attend a soccer camp at what would eventually be my college alma mater. All of that hard work was put in to obtain athleticism and yet… that time was really just a thief of joy because I never felt good enough… no matter how much energy I exerted. Countless days during camp left me nearly crawling back to the dorms, feeling nauseous and fatigued for the majority of the summer. My hard work and consistency paid off though. I made the varsity team that year only to sit on the bench because the coach had her own methods of not allowing her subs to play, if she did, it was never for long. Due to her warped coaching agenda she single handedly ruined soccer for me. After playing soccer for 12 years I never played again after that year. Dramatic? Yes. Absolutely. However, I wish I could go back and tell my younger self during that season of life how proud I was that I did not allow my mental health to go through the abuse of that ignorant coach. Instead, I used my own, hard earned money and took private tennis lessons after school and around my work schedule my senior year. Again, my hard work had paid off, I was captain of my tennis team. High fives, 17 year old self for being competent enough to re-route that energy into something positive (a major enneagram 7 trait, I’ll blog on that in the near future).
In college, fad diets and an unattainable image of what women were supposed to look like was the standard. Although I wasn’t particularly mad at my weight or pant size, I was constantly striving to be smaller which translated to petite, cute, attractive… UGH. I remember looking at all my beautiful girlfriends and thinking I was the largest one of the group (*facepalm*) when the truth was I actually wasn’t and probably had slight body dysmorphia at the time. Also in my 20’s, I did fall victim to fad diets. There was, however, one fad diet in particular that was a 24 day challenge which made me rethink my cooking skills and try some fun food switches like using spaghetti squash instead of pasta (who knew?). Although I am not a fan of fad diets because they are usually not attainable for the long term, I did enjoy improving my skills in the kitchen and still reference several of the recipes from that challenge. I like to lovingly refer to ‘the experimental food phase’ as a major advancement in my appreciation for food and eating thoughtfully. Food is fuel! It really is AND we are allowed to enjoy it too. I learned that I could make a vegetable soup that tasted delicious and ALSO have a cookie with no shame or punishment at the gym. What a liberating concept!
Now I am in my early 30’s and looking at health in a completely holistic way. I have the experience and maturity to understand that health is not only about weight, athleticism or food…it is about your mental health, financial health, spiritual health, work/business health, and relational health. Health takes EVERYTHING into consideration which is why it is such a loaded word. We all search for what health means because to be healthy isn’t one specific answer. When I write out my health goals now compared to when I was younger my goals include budgeting my finances, incorporating spa days, traveling, daily prayer & gratitude, sleep, meal prepping, movement, career goals, and lots of family time. The vision I have of myself at my healthiest looks like hiking up a mountain barely winded, cooking meat and veggies over the open fire, with my husband and friends laughing nearby, bare feet in the dirt, security of a job and a home to come back to after this idyllic, healthy, and welcomed getaway. And during this getaway I envision being well-rested with energy to explore and swim in the alpine lakes. I will also see my family when I get home – we’ve made dinner arrangements. I am out enjoying God’s creation where I honestly feel the most spiritually connected. I am happy, I am content, THIS is what HEALTH is.
If you’re reading this, I hope it is a reminder that there is more that comes into play with your health than diet and exercise. How do you envision yourself at your healthiest?
This blog has been started so many times. Maybe I am rusty from a few weeks off, maybe I can’t focus correctly due to our political climate, maybe I just need to write-it-out but feel unmotivated… either way I don’t feel like discussing the “new year” nearly two weeks into 2021. I originally titled this “Embracing the New Year.” Hmmmmmm. To be honest, I never expected 2021 to be much different from 2020. We are still in a global pandemic, we are still a divided Country, we are still going through the motions of what work, school, and life looks like in this constantly changing reality. We walk on eggshells around people that aren’t in our immediate friend groups and constantly witness the clashing of opinions on social media.
I am tired.
Are you?
So, in that spirit… let’s talk about something uplifting shall we? Something that you could even try yourself.
Several years ago when I was in life coaching we talked about our “Essence Words.” They were words that my life coach chose based on a task I had to accomplish. I am not going to lie, the task was awkward; I had to call 5 or 6 people closest to me and ask them “When I walk into a room, how do I show up? What do you feel?” To my surprise, the responses were beautiful and sparked a unique conversation with each person I called. My mom said “light and happiness.” My best friend said, “friendship and love,” and a coworker said, “fun and joy.” I had a variety of responses from multiple people. After these phone calls, I cried. I had never really thought about how I made other people feel when I walked into a room. As a recovering people pleaser, I didn’t want to think much about what other people thought about me – but WOW, it was so sweet to hear from my mom, my best friend, my coworkers, and others how I make them feel when I enter a room. Their thoughtful responses will stick with me forever.
If you feel like being brave and having an interesting conversation, I challenge you to ask this question to a few people you trust to give you an uplifting response. Don’t ask this to your uncle who is always in a bad mood or your cousin that is always competing with you… ask people who know you, love you, and appreciate you. I guarantee you will be encouraged by their responses.
If there is anything I learned from 2020, it is that you should never take for granted your time with loved ones. Tell them how much you love them, send a thoughtful gift or card, and actually make the phone call. 2020 wasn’t an easy year and 2021 is shaping up to be similar. You need to hear the goodness you bring into the lives of others, just as much as they need to hear it too.
Going back to the task my life coach gave me- based on the responses from the 5-6 people, my life coach came up with my “Essence Words.” JOY, CONNECTION, RADIANT, VISION, POWER. I remember when she listed off these words, I felt a magnetic reaction to each of them.
JOY – My happiness is something I am known for (a part of my personality type). I remember writing my first essay in elementary school and my teacher said I had a very positive tone in my writing, she instructed me that it was a gift and to never lose it.
CONNECTION – I love meeting people and networking. At the time, this word described part of my social life perfectly! It was, and is, spot on. My desire to have meaningful connections is something that inspired me to be a Communication major and study relationships.
RADIANT – What a beautiful word to describe light and brightness. I think of when people tell new moms that they look radiant, glowing, pretty… I think RADIANT is my favorite essence word.
VISION – I function extremely well when I have a clear direction, as do most people. This word is something I strive to attain, to dream, to keep my goals, focus, and direction always in view.
POWER – I am a natural leader who has taken leadership roles in many groups and organizations. As a woman, this word embodies empowerment and success – what an inspiration I can be to myself by simply leaning into my own power.
These words were not dreamt up, they were given to me through many tasks I had to complete in life coaching including the awkwardly empowering phone calls I had to make to family and friends. If I can give you any gift in 2021- it is to ask you to allow people to tell you what makes you so wonderful. I know it is tempting to brush off the compliments and stay humble but I challenge you to listen and absorb them. You will owe them nothing in return but a simple thank you. So ask them, “ What shows up when I do? What do you feel when I enter a room?”
Nothing from the craziness of 2020 or the beginning of 2021 can take away the unique and amazing qualities that make you, YOU!
Self care should not be rare. Self care should not be rare. I have been repeating this little rhyme to myself for the past month. It’s become my mantra. I never understood the hype of the new year or resolutions. As stated in a previous blog, I find my rebirth and goal setting time to be most therapeutic in the fall. Specifically, at the start of the academic year. That’s my jam. That’s where I feel hope and the beginnings of rebirth. So, it is with great humility that I share that I have made a new year’s resolution.
Let’s back this up… My dad came to VT to spend about 4 months with my sister and I. He was in our bubble for the holiday season and was able to spoil his granddaughter rotten. With his visit, I realized that I had put “self care” on the back burner… like the way back burner… like back behind the burner and up past the backyard and main road and in the woods burner. The last time I was truly good at self care was probably 2015-2017ish. I was consistent with reading books, meditating, sleeping 8 hours a night, getting pedicures, and utilizing my monthly massage membership perks. Then, we moved and I readjusted that routine to other things like reflection, travel, and time with my husband. And then… I had a baby.
Suddenly, my time was, and is still, no longer just my own. I have a little human to grow. I can’t exactly slack. I want to help grow her into a big human… who is decent and kind. And with that, taking care of myself just became a selfish thing to indulge in (in my brain). With my dad here, I was able to do a few simple things while he took care of Rosemary. These few things became a wake up call. Getting a pedicure? Heaven. Getting a massage? Epic. Taking a nap when I felt sleepy? Necessary. Last year, I started taking steps to better take care of myself. I have been in the gym consistently, eating well, and connecting with my husband more. These things are all good. Really good, actually. Now, it is time for the next step. Or should I say, it is time for a resolution… or resolutions…
I need to spend some time figuring out my skin… ever since growing my little human, my skin has been a wreck. I need time for a skin care routine and facials. Carrying a 26 pound child around and weight training is a perfect recipe for knots… so a massage is important every now and again. Losing myself in a novel is downright restorative… I need these things. I need to do these things so that I am capable of being a GOOD human… and therefore, a good mom and a good partner. I need to stop feeling bad when I ask Issy to help me with something… And this is so silly because my husband will JUMP at the opportunity to help me with things. He isn’t a passive partner or father… but I also realize that between him being a full time employee during the day and grad school student by night that he also needs rest and self care. So in my endeavors to take care of myself, I also need to encourage him to do the same. We can’t put taking care of ourselves off until my dad comes back to Vermont. We need to establish and implement new ways of caring for ourselves and of making it actually happen.
I need to get back into my head again and get to know myself. I have changed a lot in the past few years… my priorities, likes and dislikes, hopes, dreams… they’ve changed a bit. Shari and I recently had a big planning meeting for TSE and we’ve set some goals and made some promises to ourselves. In honor of our desire for authenticity, collaboration, and discovery, we are going to “go there.” Yup… you read that right. Nothing is off limits for us this year. We are going to talk about things. Self care? Yup. Relationships? Yup. The ever ongoing saga of “health” and weight? Yup. Politics and our belief in democracy being respected? YUP. And I may even write a little Valentine’s Day post… because we all know what happens on Valentine’s Day. So stop blushing. Come along with us… let’s chat. What’s on your mind?
The Salty Exchange 