Mother’s Day is always a little hard for me. I miss my mom and somehow the day always feels a little… lacking without her here. Oddly enough, I remember her last Mother’s Day. It was sort of thrown together last minute since everyone was out of town or had plans. In the end, it ended up being me, my grandparents, and my Uncle. It was one of the most relaxing Mother’s Days we have ever had since our usually big and boisterous family wasn’t all together. There was not a ton of running around to prep anything or waking up early to get going to whatever shindig was happening; it was simple and my mom loved it. Divinely enough, we took a picture together (a selfie, if you will) and it has become my most cherished picture of me and my mom. We had no idea that just 7 months later she would be gone. As I said in the beginning, Mother’s Day is a little hard for me.
It has been 7 years since that last Mother’s Day with my mom and now, I am a mom myself. AND for the sake of authenticity, I am going to be honest. I struggle with being a mom. OK, if you have read previous posts you already know this. To preface (before some of you judgey readers start sending me hate e-mail), I do not struggle with loving or caring for my daughter. I love her so much it hurts. I love her so much that I still wake up throughout the night to check in on her. I love her so much that I have no words to adequately describe it. What I struggle with is purpose. You’re damned if you go back to work and you are damned if you stay home. You are damned if you admit to struggling and you’re damned if you find mothering to be a breeze. What I struggle with in terms of motherhood and my purpose is that I often feel lonely, like a failure, and lost. For all the books out there- they really only skim the surface of what it means to parent. The rest is up to us to figure out and not totally f%*# up. And this has become my purpose.
There is a lot of shame among women for all the decisions we make in regards to how we mother. Lord knows we can’t get a break or give others a break. And it’s time to stop. I concede that I have already lost the battle, nay, the war. I am not a person who wants to balance mothering and work. I don’t- for many personal reasons. The truth is that especially during this pandemic, my presence as a stay at home mom has helped to keep our family steady, happy, and thriving. And no that’s not me talking myself up. That’s the damn truth. That’s the truth of OUR family. I also know and acknowledge the women who have kept working during the past year, managed to homeschool the kids, and adapted to the ever changing guidelines of HOW to live and operate during a global crisis have also kept their families afloat, thriving, and happy. You are f>%^&*@ warriors. As Beyonce would say, “Bow down bitches.” And I do. I bow down to you all.
And that right there is where I struggle. No one is bowing down to me. No one is really saying, “Good job.” I don’t need them to either. But I do know that my role as a stay at home mom will always be seen as lesser. I don’t think of myself as lesser- in fact, I see myself as an equal. It’s just hard to say that without the world giving me “that” look. Sadly, if I had another kid,I know the world might respect my mothering, my personal sacrifices, and my journey more. With one kid though- people get all self righteous on you.
Pair all of the above with missing my mom, and I am just not feeling Mother’s Day this year. It’s not a pity party. It’s a reflection of understanding my own motherhood. And what I know for sure is that I am good enough. I am not a perfect mom, but I am good enough (even when I feel like a failure). I have gotten through the past 14 months pretty much by myself with little relief in play dates, swim classes, and general activities. Rosemary can count to 15, identify colors, things in nature, and is beginning to express her feelings. I’ve done good. I have managed to also spend the last year connecting with my husband more- which was needed after the trials of being pregnant. We are very much a team and I am so incredibly proud of how hard he works at work and in getting his Master’s. I read and edit his essays, I listen to him process work problems, I make sure he stays connected to things outside of all that, and, yet, I still manage to tell him that he needs to fix the porch and clean up the gym. Hey, I am not a do everything kind of SAHM.
For Mother’s Day, I want to sleep in, not deal with Rosemary’s two hour breakfasts, and drink mimosas. I am a girl of simple pleasures. I want to watch what I want on TV and not really make Mother’s Day a big deal. But I do feel that all of you mothers out there should go big… you deserve it. You deserve everything.
The Salty Exchange 