Confusing. With Rosemary, I had little to no postpartum symptoms. Granted, I had a terrible pregnancy that was fraught with depression and constant queasy-ness. But in terms of postpartum, nothing. With Chéo? My name is Kendall and I have postpartum depression and anxiety.
In my college years, I dealt with depression and anxiety. Through therapy, I learned A LOT about myself and depression/anxiety. I am beyond grateful for those experiences. It taught me so much and has allowed me to understand my current feelings. I have no shame about my feelings and understand the “triggers” that affect me. Chéo’s pregnancy was relatively easy- which, I was thankful for. But the feelings that have come after his birth are… intimidating. I feel so overwhelmed at times that I can’t breath. It’s not rational. It’s not healthy. But it’s what I feel. I feel safe and confident when it comes to caring for my son. Life is what I am struggling with. It feels so scary; so negative. In reality, I KNOW life is not either of these things. But, in moments of emotional vulnerability, I struggle to know that. One of the only moments, I feel calm is when I am snuggled into my husband before bed. This struggle was beginning to creep into my daily life. And truthfully, I don’t have any patience for that. I have two kiddos to raise. I am mama. My daughter needs me for practically everything as does my son. I can’t be anything but my best. So…. when the point came where I felt like I couldn’t be my best, I knew I needed to get some help. I need help not because I am weak because I am not. I need help because I know myself and know I am capable of talking over all those negative voices. If I ignore them, I risk the chance of truly hurting myself emotionally. By acknowledging them, I guarantee success for myself as a person, wife, and mother.
Postpartum depression and anxiety feels like an extreme amount of pressure. I have such a big life outside of these feelings that I can’t become too consumed by them and I know this. Seeking help is paramount to not only my mental health but the health of my family. That doesn’t take away that my feelings are very real and very important. Going through this has also shown me how I have changed. Strip away the titles of wife and mom and who the heck am I? I am not sure. But I know I need to figure that out. I have to swim through the maze of diapers and perpetual smell of baby poop, dinners and dishes, and commute to Rosemary’s school in the next town to see who I have become. What interests me? What do I want to do? What about me is interesting? Truth? I have no effing idea. It’s hard work because I don’t have the time to just sit and figure it out. But, I need to make the time.
I have given all of myself to bear my kiddos. It’s a special kind of love and one that I feel honored to understand. Now, it’s time to reclaim a bit of myself. I will encourage other moms all day long whether it be in the SAHM struggle, or the boss moms returning to work. But I don’t give myself even a teaspoon of that love and acceptance. Hypocrisy isn’t for me. What is for me is accepting my feelings, working through them, and coming out of them a better person. If you are struggling with any mental health issues, please reach out to your doctor.
The Salty Exchange 