Author: thesaltyexchange

Mother’s Day is always a little hard for me. I miss my mom and somehow the day always feels a little… lacking without her here. Oddly enough, I remember her last Mother’s Day. It was sort of thrown together last minute since everyone was out of town or had plans. In the end, it ended up being me, my grandparents, and my Uncle. It was one of the most relaxing Mother’s Days we have ever had since our usually big and boisterous family wasn’t all together. There was not a ton of running around to prep anything or waking up early to get going to whatever shindig was happening; it was simple and my mom loved it. Divinely enough, we took a picture together (a selfie, if you will) and it has become my most cherished picture of me and my mom. We had no idea that just 7 months later she would be gone. As I said in the beginning, Mother’s Day is a little hard for me. 

It has been 7 years since that last Mother’s Day with my mom and now, I am a mom myself. AND for the sake of authenticity, I am going to be honest. I struggle with being a mom. OK, if you have read previous posts you already know this. To preface (before some of you judgey readers start sending me hate e-mail), I do not struggle with loving or caring for my daughter. I love her so much it hurts. I love her so much that I still wake up throughout the night to check in on her. I love her so much that I have no words to adequately describe it. What I struggle with is purpose. You’re damned if you go back to work and you are damned if you stay home. You are damned if you admit to struggling and you’re damned if you find mothering to be a breeze. What I struggle with in terms of motherhood and my purpose is that I often feel lonely, like a failure, and lost. For all the books out there- they really only skim the surface of what it means to parent. The rest is up to us to figure out and not totally f%*# up. And this has become my purpose.

There is a lot of shame among women for all the decisions we make in regards to how we mother. Lord knows we can’t get a break or give others a break. And it’s time to stop. I concede that I have already lost the battle, nay, the war. I am not a person who wants to balance mothering and work. I don’t- for many personal reasons. The truth is that especially during this pandemic, my presence as a stay at home mom has helped to keep our family steady, happy, and thriving. And no that’s not me talking myself up. That’s the damn truth. That’s the truth of OUR family. I also know and acknowledge the women who have kept working during the past year, managed to homeschool the kids, and adapted to the ever changing guidelines of HOW to live and operate during a global crisis have also kept their families afloat, thriving, and happy. You are f>%^&*@ warriors. As Beyonce would say, “Bow down bitches.” And I do. I bow down to you all. 

And that right there is where I struggle. No one is bowing down to me. No one is really saying, “Good job.” I don’t need them to either. But I do know that my role as a stay at home mom will always be seen as lesser. I don’t think of myself as lesser- in fact, I see myself as an equal. It’s just hard to say that without the world giving me “that” look. Sadly, if I had another kid,I know the world might respect my mothering, my personal sacrifices, and my journey more. With one kid though- people get all self righteous on you. 

Pair all of the above with missing my mom, and I am just not feeling Mother’s Day this year. It’s not a pity party. It’s a reflection of understanding my own motherhood. And what I know for sure is that I am good enough. I am not a perfect mom, but I am good enough (even when I feel like a failure). I have gotten through the past 14 months pretty much by myself with little relief in play dates, swim classes, and general activities. Rosemary can count to 15, identify colors, things in nature, and is beginning to express her feelings. I’ve done good. I have managed to also spend the last year connecting with my husband more- which was needed after the trials of being pregnant. We are very much a team and I am so incredibly proud of how hard he works at work and in getting his Master’s. I read and edit his essays, I listen to him process work problems, I make sure he stays connected to things outside of all that, and, yet, I still manage to tell him that he needs to fix the porch and clean up the gym. Hey, I am not a do everything kind of SAHM. 

For Mother’s Day, I want to sleep in, not deal with Rosemary’s two hour breakfasts, and drink mimosas. I am a girl of simple pleasures. I want to watch what I want on TV and not really make Mother’s Day a big deal. But I do feel that all of you mothers out there should go big… you deserve it. You deserve everything. 

This year is my first official Mother’s Day, as a stepmom. Somehow it doesn’t feel as real as it does for mothers who birthed their own kids. Before you think I am fishing for you to assure me that Mother’s Day counts for me too, thank you, I really do already know. However, I can’t help but feel a bit like an imposter on Mother’s Day. I love my stepkids fiercely and I am no-doubt a mother figure to them. Over the past year I have gone from the fun aunt (see my previous post here) to the most all-star stepmom I can be. I try to anticipate their needs, comfort them, provide for them, and ultimately LOVE on them. I’ve had a hard time admitting that I deserve to be celebrated on Mother’s Day though. Before all my friends @ me “Happy Mother’s Day” messages… I am aware ALL moms deserve to be celebrated on Mother’s Day. Paternal or not. 

However, the meaning of motherhood is something that isn’t lost on me. I would never downplay the physical process of birth that a woman has to go through to have a child. That is something I haven’t experienced yet. Thanks to all my mommy friends and sister-in-laws I know a significant amount of what it means to give birth. But I have to remind myself that the fact that I haven’t given birth, doesn’t make me any less of a mother. The word “Stepmom” has a negative connotation which makes me sad. In movies, the stepmoms are usually cruel, angry, and treat the children horribly. This couldn’t be further from the truth for me and my stepchildren. I do whatever I can to encourage, support, laugh, and have fun with them. They mean the world to me. On our wedding day, I gave special vows to the kids and I meant every single word I promised them (see image below).

I’m not looking for people to tell me Happy Mother’s Day. I already know I am a mom, a freaking amazing and loving stepmom. If you want to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day please do it by reaching out to all the mother figures in your life and tell them what a difference their presence in your life has made. That would be the greatest gift anyone could give me – spreading the love!

Years ago I wrote this caption on my Mother’s Day facebook post and it still rings true… 

Happy Mother’s Day to ALL the mothers, grandmothers, great grandmothers, stepmothers, foster mothers, aunts or sisters that are like mothers, godmothers, to all the ones that have lost mothers, who still want to be mothers, and those that have chosen not to be mothers. We think of you on Mother’s Day. We celebrate the love that you pour into those around you each and every day. Thank you and Happy Mother’s Day!

Questions Kendall asked Shari, Shari’s responses:

1. What were you thinking when everything shut down? 

Ultimately I took the news of the shut down with a grain of salt. My initial thought was that COVID would get contained and we would be back to normal in a matter of weeks. I didn’t even stock up on toilet paper- thank goodness for my neighbors who planned ahead! At the time, we were exactly two months out from our wedding. I was instantly in denial about cancelling the big day and our honeymoon in Kauai. You can read more about my pre-wedding journey in this previous post. However, it didn’t take me long to realize that COVID-19 was going to be around for a good long while- which brought a LOT of uncertainty about the future. The beginning of the shutdown felt very lonely and confusing. I won’t try to sugar coat it… it sucked. The data wasn’t accurate and Washington State was supposedly ground zero. I live in an area that was a few hours away from the epicenter. We literally stayed home, only to venture out to the grocery store if absolutely necessary. I will never forget those first few days and weeks of mandatory shut down, it was strange to say the least.

2. What is your best memory from the pandemic? The worst?

Best memory from the pandemic was the entire month of May. Between how everything came together for the wedding, the actual wedding day, and the blissful mini-honeymoon we had following the wedding was everything I never knew I wanted. Especially when we rode our bikes through a popular campground and it was completely silent and empty the weekend before Memorial Day. The weather was perfect and for a few moments I felt like my husband and I were the only people on the planet.

The worst moment was also tied to the wedding when I had to call my brother in Ohio and tell him to cancel his plane ticket to the wedding. My heart broke into so many pieces during that phone call. I never imagined my brother wouldn’t be there on my special day no matter how small the ceremony. I also would have felt terrible if he had gotten sick from the trip. It was a lose/lose situation.

I am still so grateful how supportive our friends and family were through the good and the bad during that whole COVID-wedding season. Truly something I wouldn’t wish on anyone but now I recommend a small wedding to everyone! 

3. Is there an experience you might not have had or done if the pandemic had not happened?

My calendar was clear. Let me repeat… my calendar was CLEAR!!! There is so much I wouldn’t have done had my calendar still been packed with social engagements, wedding planning, work trips, travel, and so many other commitments. I got to experience first-hand what it feels like to have zero obligations which is an exceptionally strange feeling for a social butterfly like me. My experiences were subtle but impactful and included quality time with my husband, creating new bike routes around our neighborhood and spending more time with our neighbors (our quarantine crew). Alex and I even tried cooking vegetarian meals for a few months! We planned smaller socially distant trips close to home and made so many memories that I will cherish forever. It was a year I never imagined but it was really good in a lot of ways too. I now appreciate a clear calendar more than I ever have before. I will let you in on a little secret, I get a smidge of anxiety when I have more than two commitments on my calendar in a week, who am I?

Question’s Shari asked Kendall, Kendall’s responses:

1. Since Vermont was one of the last states hit by the pandemic, did you prepare ahead of time? Or were you caught off guard?

I have always been a bit of a prepper (an inherited trait from my mom). I always try to have emergency supplies on hand wherever I live and independent of what is going on in the world. With that said, I did start to prepare for potential food and supply shortages last February. I really took my cue from what was going on in WA state and parts of California. As luck would have it, I also researched the different emergency checklists put out by the CDC and WHO as the pandemic really started hitting. These checklists were really helpful in putting what we needed into perspective. By the time things shut down here (March 16th), we were a fully stocked house. Vermont shut down along with the rest of the world more as a caution than a need. I believe our government officials were super proactive in trying to keep the state safe and, in truth, I believe those actions are what have made Vermont one of the “safest” states in the country. Sure, having a small population helps but the directives given and our willingness to follow protocols from a really early stage made prepping a smooth process.

2. Do you feel safe living where you do? 

As I touched on above, I feel super safe in Vermont. Not only do I love Vermont’s approach to policy and protocol, but I have the utmost confidence in Gov. Scott and Dr. Levine (Commissioner of Health). Their leadership and guidance has been essential to our safety. Unlike most of the country, we were able to have a relatively “normal” summer and fall. When things really hit around Halloween, not only were we, as a state, ready to handle the surge but had learned from the onset of the outbreak what to do and what not to do. Sure, it sucked to have to go into shut down mode for the holidays, but it was also made clear that in order to have “normalcy” again, we needed to just settle in and push through. Of course not everybody followed guidelines but for the most part, Vermonters did their part. I feel super fortunate that we ended up settling here. When we were coming back from Spain, the world was sort of at our feet in that we could go anywhere we wanted. Vermont has ended up being a great place to live during this pandemic. This is a state that has tons to offer people. There really is room to breathe here- which is something that I will never again take for granted. 

3. How do you feel, as a mother, raising a kiddo during the pandemic?

I am relieved that Rosemary is only 2.5 years old. She hasn’t had to miss school or change too much of her routine upside down to accommodate the craziness of the pandemic. BUT, I do worry that she is missing out on socialization. Playing with other kids, library time, and other new experiences are all but non-existent. She is none the wiser and has made the best of her imagination and had a great time doing her own thing. The key idea there is “doing her own thing.” I worry that things like sharing and group play may not come easy to her when the time comes. I also know, that’s a bridge to cross when we get there. And while she hasn’t really been sick a lot this past year, I do worry for the time when she is around other people and is exposed to different germs. Will she be sick a lot as a kid? Will she be fine? Who knows? What I am grateful for right now is the time we have had together as a family. I am a stronger partner and better mom with Issy around to not only help but to also spend time with. Our investment in each other has always been deep but with him being here, we are stronger and more in tune with each other as parents and as partners. For that- I am thankful. 

JOINT QUESTION: How do we feel a year later? 

Kendall: A year later… Well, at the time of this writing, it has been exactly a year since shut down happened. Today, my husband got the J&J vaccine. It’s been a whirlwind. I would say that our values as a family unit have really solidified. Time together, routine, our health, and our goals have all been sharpened in the past 365 days. We are back to basics as individuals and as a family. We are looking forward to more social routines in the summer and are so grateful for being able to connect with friends. We have done more Zoom calls and FaceTime calls for happy hours with our friends all over the world than we probably would have had the pandemic not happened. That connection to each other has proven to be lifesaving for us. I also want to acknowledge that I am coming from a position of privilege to be able to say this. This pandemic has literally crushed families- their spirits, their wallets, their livings, their health, and more. Stability was ripped away from people. Issy and I have been having lots of talks lately about how people have survived this… it takes a whole lot of strength and resourcefulness and it’s something we admire. While we have had our struggles, we haven’t even touched what many families have. I feel a little bit more helpless a year later because I don’t know WHAT to do or HOW to help. Outside of food, clothing, and housing donations, we don’t know what to do. I hope to never feel so helpless again. It has taken this past year to see that in order for our society, no, our world to function, we have to help each other. Like, really help each other. The inequalities of our society are right there staring at us in the face. How in the world do we begin to tackle them? So a year later, that’s where I am; thankful and determined.

Shari: A year has passed… and although I am grateful for a clear schedule, quality time with my husband, a lack of social responsibilities, and the ability to focus on hobbies I enjoy; I am still left wishing this pandemic had never happened. I am thankful I still have a job that allows me to work from home and my company has been able to continuously adapt and pivot. I feel optimistic for the future, for a life without mask requirements, 6 feet apart signs, and where social situations aren’t filled with an underlying fear or anxiety. Someday I know we will get closer to a new normal that feels more like our pre-pandemic world but with news of the new variants of the virus it’s a lot to try and predict. It’s similar to how impossible it was to predict anything a year ago. I hope this year brings more hugs, smiles, and reunions… in a safe, loving and respectful way.