Ok, I know that December 31st is when most people set their New Year’s resolutions. For me though, the new year begins on the first day of Autumn. Fall is a time of rebirth for me. It’s a season of learning, peace, cozy evenings, academic restarts, and PSL. So, in honor of this “new year,” here are some of my resolutions.
Continue my exercise regiment: Last Fall, I recommitted myself to working out after a very long break. I have been really good (especially in the past 8 months) about working out consistently 3-5 times a week. This time has proven to be essential for just not my physical health but also for my mental health. I hope to continue working out and taking my workouts up a notch as I get stronger.
Read, read, read: Since giving birth, reading has taken a backseat in my life. I do listen and enjoy Audible but I am an old-fashioned reader who loves to hold a real book in their hands. I have a growing list of books and I hope to have my nose buried in at least 1 book a month.
Make couple time intentional: Next month begins a new chapter in our family. My husband will be starting grad school on top of working a full time job. Needless to say, our time as a family will be changing. In an effort to make sure we stay connected, I want to plan out our time together. Whether it’s a movie night after our daughter goes to bed or a date night out, I want to make sure we stay connected. When we are connected, our family functions better.
Meal Planning in advance: I already meal plan… but I want to be even more efficient with my budgeting and by meal planning about 85% of our dinners in advance I will be able to be a better shopper and adhere to our budget.
Get better at WordPress: We may use WordPress but that doesn’t mean we are proficient with the site at all! I would really like to understand the capabilities and take classes so that I can be a better developer and designer for our site.
Make more time for Bella: Bella is not only my dog but my best friend! It’s easy to put her needs aside when Rosemary takes up so much of my time. While she still gets her daily snuggles, scratches, and love, she has not been getting as much play time. I want to carve out some time every day for play… probably during R’s nap time!
And finally… be a better mom: I am constantly praying for more patience. As Rosemary grows, so does her appetite for mischief and pushing the limits. All healthy things! But sometimes I feel like I spend the better part of everyday being frustrated. I don’t want to be that mom. I don’t want to be that person! I want to better anticipate how to handle situations and use them as teaching moments or even just let it go and use the crazy situations as an opportunity for fun! I just want to be the best I can possibly be for her. Always.
I am ready for everything that Fall has to bring. The joys of this season are what set up the next 12 months for me. I hope to be open to everything it has to teach me, everything I have to give, and every challenge headed my way. 2019 and 2020 have been incredibly stressful years in their own way- so I am ready for whatever the rest of 2020 has to barf up on us and am even more ready to handle the promise of a better 2021.
Recently I saw a post on Instagram that said “Normalize Friendships Ending.” I thought about this for a while because it didn’t sit well with me and I quickly realized why. I don’t think there is anything normal about close friendships ending… however, it is normal for distant friendships to end. Let’s discuss. I am going to start by labeling friendships (from my perspective) into three categories:
Best Friends are friendswho you would literally do anything for despite how inconvenient it would be for yourself. This friendship takes the same amount of time, energy, and effort from both parties.
Forever Friends are current and past friendships that naturally pick up where you left off whenever you see each other. These friendships can only be maintained if the expectation to “keep in touch” is low and the friendship is genuine.
Acquaintance Friends, these friendships are the proximity based friendships, quick, and typically based around a club, group or activity. Often acquaintance friendships make you feel like the person is closer to you than they really are but once the activity or group ends, inevitably so does your “friendship”.
Those are the three categories that I think of when it comes to friendships. I have very few people in the best friend category, although I am sure the line between any of these friendships can get blurred when you spend a lot of time around the person and start to consider them one of your besties.
*Notice I have not talked about family in these friendships, family is its own separate conversation. This discussion is purely about friendships.
People used to tell me I had so many friends because I hung out with so many people at networking functions; I would correct them and say, “Sure, I have a lot of acquaintances.” I corrected them because I realized sometime in my mid-twenties after the height of high school, college, and workplace friendships that people really do come and go from your life. As a recovering people pleaser, I was someone who desperately wanted to maintain every friendship relationship I encountered. I quickly learned that was impossible. Friendships were manageable to maintain in high school, less manageable in college, and just purely insane in the working and networking world. My circles grew and my ability to try and be the best, most loyal version of myself for everyone wasn’t worth the time, energy, and draining effort it took from me and away from those I deeply cared about.
Personally, I believe that perspective is everything, including perspective in friendships. It is guaranteed that you do not think the same way about someone as they do about you. I have learned this the hard way in friendships that I thought were more loyal and close than they actually were. This is where I learned the difference between best friends, forever friends, and acquaintances. I think it is important to note that just because you naturally, genuinely, and intuitively care about people does not mean that if a friendship ends (and you are blindsided by it) that it’s a reflection of you at all. It really is a direct reflection on the person that chose to giddy up and leave the friendship. The best thing you can do is respect their choice and accept that you may never know the complete story. People are interesting and friendships can leave just as quickly as they began.
Now, take all that, and enter in COVID- 19! It’s completely normal and a fact that friendships have been altered. Can I get an AMEN?! Those acquaintance friendships have probably all but stopped or have been halted. Those forever friends have probably reached out to check in on you (or vice versa). Then, those that you call best friends you have probably seen by now or they have been in your inner quarantine circle. Let me speak loud enough for those readers in the back: the acquaintance friendships that have stopped or halted during this season is NORMAL! Those people were brought into your life because of an external factor and that is okay. I challenge you to take a good hard look at your friendships and be kind to yourself and others. Do not put unrealistic expectations on anyone, especially not during a global pandemic. Life is not normal right now and neither are our friendships. If you are thinking about someone, text them, call them, let them know you care. Life is too short to create drama where it shouldn’t be. So yes, let’s normalize acquaintance friendships ending without drama and prioritize the friendships in our life worth maintaining. More than ever, we need friends – our best friends and our forever friends.
Home ownership: It’s a necessary, wonderful, complicated evil and blessing. When Issy and I moved back to the United States we considered the “where” really heavily. Could we afford a house in Seattle? Sure… but that’s about all we could ever and would ever be able to pay for. There would be no savings and bills would be tight. Extras would be non-existent. We could move to Texas (where my husband is from). The cost of living was great. But I hate heat. So, we started thinking. A few years ago my sister and her husband moved to Vermont. I had been once. I REALLY liked it. Being near my sister would be great and the cost of buying a house looked pretty fair. It was a win/win.
Vermont is a lovely place to call home. We love the clean air, the green mountains, the maple (oh, the maple), and the quietness of the state. Unfortunately, we have super high property taxes here in Chittenden County. Chittenden County is home to some of the most populated areas in the state. Thus, the property taxes are highest here. We also live up on a massive ledge that can’t really be broken down to make way for natural gas (a money saver) so instead, we have propane ($$$). Our previous sellers put solar panels on the roof which we love and ultimately save a bit of money while also trying to help the environment. The house was in great condition so outside of painting a few of the rooms to suit our tastes, we haven’t had to worry about many updates or fixes out of the norm. Paradise, right?
Sort of. About 80% paradise. What is really hard for Issy and I is our yard. We are not yard people. We did not own yard tools. If you are buying a home and don’t have yard stuff, be prepared to invest. Sure, some stuff you can get at reasonable prices, but other stuff you do have to be prepared to open the wallet for often and to drop some serious cash. We inherited a beautiful and massively flower packed yard. It’s truly beautiful. But we hate the upkeep. With a 23 month old, I don’t have the time to get out in the yard every day by myself. I also don’t know what I am doing a lot of. I have to keep my phone on me when I am gardening so that I can google everything from what flower I am looking at to how to care for said flower. Also, it’s costly to maintain not just in hours but in acquiring the right tools in which to care for all the plants and maintain the garden so it doesn’t get out of hand. These are the times when I wish I could have the landlord sort the maintenance and care of this stuff. Instead, my husband needs to go buy an electric hedge trimmer this weekend so that we can start taking plants down in preparation for winter… something that will require a babysitter for Rosemary so that both Issy and I can get in the yard together.
It’s the random costs that incur over time that make you miss your renting days. The plumber here, the electrician there, and the general handyman this week. While most fixes tend to be reasonable, it is still a chunk of money out of your budget. The blinds in our bedroom and the dining room need to be replaced. Blinds ain’t cheap y’all. Our roof probably needs to be re-done in about a year or two ($$$$$$$). That scares me. These are the thing about owning a home that stress me out but also make me super determined. I want to care for our house as best as we can. If we put off projects for too long it will end up costing us more in the long term. Being smart about when and how to invest funds for household repairs, issues, and general savings for when sh%# hits the fan is important. It’s also easier said than done.
We don’t have a massive amount of money put away to take care of these things. What we have is a priority list that we try to stay pretty true to. We also have a great network of people that have great recommendations of people and places to go to when things come up. If you are buying a house, I cannot stress how important it is to get references (multiple) from friends and family for a handyman, painter, electrician, plumber, etc. DO YOUR HOMEWORK! Make sure you know what the average charges are so that you can do a comparison analysis. In addition, you want people of good character! These people are coming into your home, sometimes often! You need to be able to trust them. Trust is worth everything- including that final bill. If you are able to do a lot of fixes yourself (ves), good for you! I envy that!
Bottom line: I love my house. I love my neighborhood. I love that we are building a home here for more than just three years (the norm for active duty servicemembers and their families- this used to be us). This will be HOME. For at least a while. It’s worth the investment even though sometimes it freaks me out (I am looking at you, property tax bill!). Are you looking for a house? Take your time, be picky, and have some imagination! It’s hard to walk into someone else’s house and envision your life there… imagination is key!
Money. Savings! We can all agree that saving money and managing your finances looks different for everyone. I don’t claim to be an expert by any means, however, I have come across some money saving hacks that I want to shout from the rooftops! OR just type out here in ‘blog form’ for you to enjoy! Who knows, maybe you’ll adopt some of these ideas into your everyday life. In the comments, let us know what your favorite money saving hack is?!
Okay, I have to start with one of my favorite swaps- paper towels. Several years ago after buying a Costco size bundle of paper towels… I thought about how often I used paper towels and I wondered if there was anything else I could use instead? Rags? Kitchen towels? Reusable paper towels? After a quick search I found Dot and Army’s Unpaper Towels. I waited for them to go on sale and I bought several. Now I set these by our regular paper towels and much to my surprise the kids, Alex, and I prefer them over the actual paper towels. Initially, they are not as absorbent but after a few washes they soften up to become more absorbent and even more amazing. We also use Dot & Army’s Cocktail Napkins. I highly recommend this swap!
The next money saving hack involves something sneaky… so sneaky that I felt dumb when I finally took care of it. Do not feel bad if this applies to you, we are in this together! Well let’s just say I am a huge fan of free trials for various apps. A workout free trial, sign me up! A new photo editing app, sign me up! You get the picture. Those free trials turn into unplanned monthly subscriptions and if you aren’t careful they start to add up. I highly recommend (if you are an iPhone user) to go into your settings, click on your name at the very top, then click on subscriptions. This screen will show if you have any renewing subscriptions and you can turn them off right from this screen. My friends, I WAS PAYING FOR SUBSCRIPTIONS I DIDN’T USE! I like to think that I learned my lesson but just to be safe, I check this tab monthly. I’m not kidding. I encourage you to take a look at what you are subscribed to- your bank account will thank you!
Another money saving tip (that I fail at all the time) is meal planning. Ok, I know, some weeks are better than others. However, I have saved a lot of money doing this and really recommend it. I start by sitting down and writing out our top 10 favorite meals. List off all the ingredients needed for those meals. Then I pick 4 or 5 of them and put a check mark next to the ingredients that we already have on hand. Yes, I take an inventory of the pantry and fridge. Whatever 3 meals with the most check marked ingredients go on to the meal plan that week. We grocery shop for the remaining ingredients and stick to only buying groceries needed for the meal plan. People, this meal planning ingredient trick has saved me more times than I care to admit and now I unconsciously have items stocked for quick meals we love. Our favorites almost always on hand are: White Sauce Chicken Enchiladas, Tuna Pasta Salad, Wendy’s Chili (knock-off recipe), and Chicken Fajitas! We can mix and match various other meals with items from the fridge and pantry but meal planning ahead of time is worth it! Also (extra tip) to save time, money, and energy just double your favorite dish or dishes and freeze half for later. We have a meal planning document that I created and am happy to share with you, email us at thesaltyexchange@gmail.com and we will send you a meal planning pdf with some basic instructions!
I am sitting in my cubicle typing away on the black keys when I get a text from my Mom. Trouble at home. It is only my first week on the job, my first real I-just-graduated-from-college job. I read her text, something is wrong. I respond. They haven’t given me much work to do yet. They just have me reading a 300 page document for eight hours. I continue texting with my mom, she wonders how I am doing. My computer beeps at me. I have a new e-mail. From the girl that sits on the other side of the cube from me. “Maybe you should find something better to do than texting.” I am instantly enraged. I click reply. I have no words. Instead I get up, walk around the grey walls and confront her to her face. “Excuse me, is there a problem?” I cried more in those first 6 months on the job than I even remember crying before.
Is this the way work is supposed to be? Sitting in a cubicle reading something that’s clearly busy work for eight hours of my life and apparently I don’t even have the freedom to text my own mother. So much for having freedom. So much for being human.
No, this is not acceptable.
I immediately started plotting for something different, but it was two years before I reached my breaking point.
When I started looking seriously at changing jobs, the biggest fear I faced is whether the next one would be better or worse. My budget is what saved me, it gave me the courage to know that no matter what happened I would be okay. I had enough in the bank that I didn’t have to put up with being treated like a prisoner. My budget was the soft cushion for my fear to land and I was able to leave that awful job and find one where I have freedom, respect and get paid a lot more money.
Budgeting is where our souls meet the surface. It is how we take care of ourselves. Our financial life gives us freedom, confidence, options, leverage and flexibility to create a life we love. Where our souls can swim free. Where we can be human.
Budget with Purpose
The first step is to get clarity on why we want to create our budget. We want to identify that deeper meaning, so we can create a budget that is valuable to us. Some questions to ask to get the wheels turning:
What makes you forget to eat and forget to pee?
Where do you picture yourself five years from now, how do you want your life to be different?
If your doctor called and gave you one week to live, what would you regret not doing the most? What did you not get to do? Who did you not get to be?
Create a System
Our budgets are not a fix it and forget it type of activity. They need daily love and attention from us if we want them to flourish. Tracking expenses daily is one of the most powerful ways to reach your budget goals. And when it’s done daily it only takes about five minutes.
What is part of your daily routine that you could add tracking your expenses into?
I like to do mine on my morning break at work.
You are putting that loving energy into yourself by taking care of your spending habits. It is like exfoliating your skin when you are in the shower. You give it a quick brush and make sure everything feels right.
Simple Living
It is not about spending less money; it is about spending all our money on the things we value most highly in life. Simple living will also require that we set financial boundaries for ourselves. Our values will differ from the values of our friends and family and they may not necessarily understand our budgeting goals. This is where we need to get a little tough sometimes. Like a mama bear protecting her cubs, we protect our own goals and values. You may hear yourself saying something like “We can’t go this weekend, we are staying home and working around the house.” Or “We would love to, but we just can’t make it this time.”
What is one boundary you know you need to be better at setting around your finances?
The stronger and deeper your connection to your values and your budget, the easier it will be to communicate your boundaries.
Create a Zero-Based Budget
I cannot say enough about zero-based budgeting. This essentially means that each month we make a plan for every dollar. It can feel overwhelming when we are creating our first zero-based budget but it becomes easy once we have our system in place and we are looking at our budget regularly. To create a zero-based budget you start with your monthly income and then subtract out all of your debt payments, bills, expenses and then allocate whatever is left into your sinking funds.
Have you used a zero-based budget? Has it worked for you?
There are a ton of printables out there that will help you do this or check out the TrailBound Financial Life Planning Workbook here that will help you get clear on your goals and values, identify your budget purpose and walk you through setting up your zero-based budget.
Regular Reviews
At the end of each month we will need to close out our budget. This means we record all the actual expenses for the month (whereas at the beginning of the month we wrote down the budgeted amounts). We compare the actual amounts to the budget and see where we were over or under from our budget.
This is also when we get to see how much we can put into our sinking funds from the month. I love the feeling of seeing how much money I am saving towards my goals. It gives my life purpose and makes me feel excited about budgeting for the next month.
What budget categories did you overspend in last month? What categories did you underspend in?
How would you like to improve your budget for next month?
The review will also help us understand our spending habits better so we can keep improving our budgeting each month.
It is the daily action we take to achieve our goals that frees our hearts to follow what we most desire in life. It will be scary, but when we take it one day at a time and have patience and love for ourselves, we can accomplish anything!
Brianne is not only a friend of Shari’s, she is also a CPA, life coach, full-time accountant, and the owner of TrailBound Financial (follow her on instagram @trailboundfinacial). Her dedication to living life to the fullest and sharing her knowledge of finances has sparked her latest creation; the TrailBound Financial Life Planning Workbook (autumn edition here). We appreciate her excitement to guest-blog and share some of her budgeting tips with us!
Okay y’all, bare with me for a few minutes as I give you my household essentials list. I decided to give you one recommended item for each room in the house. They may seem random but hear me out- I have my reasoning for picking each of them…
Who knew I would love a salad spinner so much?! There are so many ‘pros’ but the number one is that it keeps salad clean and crisp for an extended amount of time. I leave the lettuce in the spinner for weeks (I am not kidding) and my life is forever changed. I have crisp, fresh, amazing salad any day of the week now. The only ‘con’ is that it can take up a lot of space in the fridge.
I am a big fan of fuzzy fleece blankets but for our wedding a family friend knit a neutral colored blanket for us and I LOVE cuddling up with it. I have recently been obsessed with searching knit blankets and maybe learning how to make them on my own. Oh hey, new quarantine hobby, amiright?!
Okay this one was a hard one to choose because I really love my face wash and moisturizer but I will talk about them more in another post. I’d have to say my favorite item in the bathroom is my Quip Electric Toothbrush. I love the subscription aspect which takes the thinking out of replacing the toothbrush head. I love the color (I have gold), the quality, and the ability for it to travel with me (keep the plastic tube it comes in for easy travel).
Obviously every bedroom should have a pillow but, to be honest, it has been hard to find a pillow I really like; not too soft, not too firm, will cover my ears if I want it to, etc. This pillow is the perfect mix of comfy and cushy but also holds your head up and allows you to sink in. I am not quite sure how to explain it but Alex and I got them as wedding gifts and they are a favorite of ours now.
This item is ideally used in a garage but we live in an apartment so I had to make due with what I’ve got. I was inspired after seeing a friend hang up his outdoor gear on the wall. It looked organized and useful. I thought about all the gear I have and decided I wanted to hang it up rather than store in several rubber tote bins. The “Gear Wall” was born after several trips to Home Depot and hours of rearranging. Now I am a huge fan of hanging up your stuff and making it look organized on the wall. Our Gear Wall includes our hiking and backpacking gear, workout gear, sports gear, and more. We absolutely love it!
*Kendall joked about wanting to see my list because she is going on a target run next week. Here you go Kendall and friends, I have linked all these items (except the last one) at Target 🙂 You’re welcome!
When I moved to Spain, I became a stay at home wife… that’s right… not a mom… a stay at home wife. Certain elements of being stationed there made it very difficult and, in some cases, impossible, to work. At first, I struggled. I missed working. I missed using my brain and challenging myself in ways that had pretty much been conditioned in me for as long as I could remember. I missed that part of my identity. Work had always provided me with a sense of purpose. The loss of that purpose was very difficult for me to process. My first six months in Spain, while lovely, were also very jarring for me as I searched for purpose and meaning while adjusting to a whole new way of life. With everything stripped away, I truly started over and ended up really liking who I became. Eventually I embraced the solitude and the calm. I made a lot of time for reading, writing, and adventuring with my husband.
Once our daughter was born and we learned we would be moving back to the United States, Issy and I discussed what it would look like for me to go back to work. We ultimately decided against it. The truth is, I just don’t want to pay for someone to watch my kid. BUT with that said, I also understand why parents do pay for daycare and want to get back to work. It’s an important part of who they are, sometimes it’s a financial must, and, quite frankly, the routine is essential to one’s mental health. The list can go on. I am a firm believer that each parent and family have to do what is best for them. I do not believe that there is any one right way to raise kids. I do not judge a mom or dad who chooses to go back (whatever their reason) – they never have to justify that to me. I also do not judge a mom or dad who chooses to stay at home… it doesn’t take away from who they are or make them any less smart or valuable. Yet I, like a lot of others, have fallen into that trap. I often feel like I am seen as “lesser.” The perception I feel people have of me must be that I am lazy. All of these things (and more) are completely unfair. It’s a terrible game to play. In short, it’s a total mind f%^#. And in all honesty, it takes away from the experience of being with my daughter. I have to actively work to shut all of that out.
Being at home is something I openly struggle with. I would love to engage my mind in something outside of parenting. When Issy breaks down all the details of his day and what he is working on, I am in awe because of how happy he is with his daily accomplishments, totally lost because I do not understand a lot of the super specific parts of his job, and sometimes I am very jealous that I have nothing to contribute to our conversation outside of the baby/home life. I feel… uninspiring. It’s especially hard after those days that are filled with toddler tantrums and the drinking and spitting back out of milk all over herself and the floor. The worst days for me though, are the days where Rosemary wants nothing to do with me. I can’t bear to hear how great someone else’s day is when the one job I have, I failed at. Those are the days I struggle with my decision to stay home the most.
Then, there is the guilt. I feel so guilty for asking for “me time.” I feel like my husband looks at me and is disappointed. In reality, my husband NEVER thinks or feels this. He is in total support of me taking care of myself and pursuing my own hobbies and interests. He would gladly drop everything to give me time for whatever I wanted. There is just this crazy shame and guilt that if I do something for myself, I am selfish. After all, (this is me talking to myself), I am at home all day. I am not working hard. Taking care of our child is a privilege and I need to get over myself. And there it is- that’s an inner monologue of mine. HOW on earth did my thinking get to be like this? WHY is it easier to hate and judge myself than it is to give myself some grace and believe that people do not see every bad quality in me? I am, and always have been, really hard on myself. That has only intensified with motherhood. For the sake of my daughter and my own well-being, I have been working really hard to kick that inner monolgue’s ass to the curb.
Look, being a mom is… kind of amazing. When I hear Rosemary reciting her numbers and colors and identifying things in the world… I know that that is me. I don’t mean that my husband doesn’t teach her things because he does BUT I am the primary teacher. I work on puzzles with her, reading, listening, coloring, etc. That’s my job. And so far, it’s really satisfying. Molding a little human to be better than ourselves, adjusted, happy, and bright is not easy. It takes work. When I am feeling low or confused, I can’t let her see that… kids are smart. They pick up on that. I never want her to see that I struggle with what I do because it is not a reflection on her… she is wonderfully wonderful. It’s a reflection on me and my identity markers I have crafted for myself over the past 32 years.
I hope to go back to work when Rosemary is a bit older. For now, I firmly feel my place is with her. Wanting to go back to work is also really scary… I will be older… lack about a decade’s worth of resume time… My competitive-ness will be nil. Will I look pathetic? Will someone even want to give me a chance? Heck, will I be prepared? I like to think so. My fear is having to defend my life choices and as a result, having to defend my basic worthiness as a human to a group of my peers.
Being at home is just a part of my life story, not the whole book. That’s just me. I know that there is more I am meant to do. What that means and what that looks like have yet to be determined. All I can say with confidence is that I am the badass CEO behind Arguello Holdings Inc and we function because I make it so. More on that later. In the meantime, send help. Rosemary refuses to keep her clothes and diaper on. Like, refuses. Undergrad and grad school and the workforce in general did not prepare me for this.
A title I never thought I would have. COVID Bride.
Let me set the scene… Our wedding date- May 16th, 2020, our invites were sent, our wedding website prepped and ready, my beautiful bridal shower and bachelorette party already took place the beginning of March, and I was blissfully checking off my bridal appointments and to-do’s. Just when I thought I was perfectly on track, exactly 60 days before our wedding on March 16th, 2020, we started quarantine.
Honestly, I was in denial for the first week and if someone asked about our wedding I would respond and say “it’s still happening.” During the second and third week of quarantine, I started to unintentionally let myself grieve as my wedding dress alteration appointment was officially cancelled, relatives from the East Coast told me they didn’t feel comfortable traveling, and so many unknown details started to take up my brain space. Our goal was to wait until a month before the wedding to make any decisions. I thought I could be patient and press pause for a month but who am I kidding, I am a professional Event Planner. Asking me not to prepare and plan is like telling someone not to scratch an itch.
Needless to say my desire to have some control over my wedding and the unknown led me to something I never thought I would utilize…bridal support groups on Facebook (I know, it surprised me too). I joined a general ‘COVID Brides’ group and another group specifically for ‘May 16th, 2020 Brides’. In these groups I didn’t feel alone, I knew there were others just as confused, sad, mad, (insert every emotion) like I was. Sure, some of those brides took their emotions and vent sessions to the extreme rant level but it was also in these comments and questions that I took comfort and started to reframe my mindset. Rather than what our wedding couldn’t be, I started to think of what our wedding could be and talked to my soon-to-be husband about his thoughts on it all. The obvious trend was to postpone the wedding and that didn’t feel right to either of us. We wanted May 16th to be our wedding date and to push forward even if we got push back like so many other brides in my Facebook groups had. It was in those groups where I realized just how incredibly blessed Alex and I are. What could have been an absolute emotional roller coaster was met with flexibility and support from our wedding planner, vendors, bridal party, family, and friends.
One of the most memorable conversations during that time was a call from my dad. He said, “Shari, I met someone who knows someone who has an alteration shop in her basement. He thinks she might be able to alter your dress and if she can’t then your mom has another idea too.” This gesture from my parents meant a lot because honestly, I had given up on my dress. It was only a month before the wedding day and I had already bought a backup dress online and fully accepted that my beautiful, expensive, brand-new wedding gown wouldn’t be altered due to quarantine and restrictions on businesses. However, the determined call from my dad, who was simply trying to save his daughter and her special day… lit a fire in me. I decided to make some phone calls and get the ball rolling. Luckily the first alteration lady I called was able to get me in. She was the sweetest! We talked from a distance as she ripped apart my gown and on the same day I brought it in she had pieced it back together and put it on me. It fit like a glove. This, my friends, is the first time I cried. I was in my dress; I finally felt like a bride.
After the dress everything else seemed to fall into place. My talented friends agreed to do my hair and make up on the wedding day. My MOH altered her own dress and had face-masks made for the bridal party to wear, mine sparkly white. My wedding coordinator took my original decor plan and shrunk it into a micro version (Zeina your skills are unmatched). Our cake lady and good friend agreed to make individual ‘to-go’ mini-wedding cakes for our guests with disposable silverware attached. We found a videographer a week before the wedding who made my last stress disappear because now I knew our day would be captured for all those important people who couldn’t be there with us.
Mixed in all those bigger wedding details were the small moments like my mom and I giving each other pedicures the week of the wedding since all the nail salons were still shut down. We soaked our feet and pretended we were at a spa. My best friend and her husband made a mountain shelf that acted as one of our main decor pieces for the wedding cake table and now has an honored place on our wall at home. The night before the wedding at our backyard mini-rehearsal with just us and the kids, we laughed so hard because our neighbor’s dog, Scamp, stood next to Alex in place of our officiant. And the real wedding MVP goes to Amazon Prime… all those last minute orders came in clutch with wedding attire for the kids and groom.
One of my favorite memories was a few weeks before our wedding when our dear friend and talented metalsmith, Marijo owner of Martini Metal Craft, came to our doorstep and dropped off Alex’s wedding band and my custom jewelry for the wedding. The jewelry was more exquisite than I ever could have imagined and Alex’s topographic map imprinted wedding band was so sentimental that he started to get emotional. It was these little moments that made those few months of uncertainty worth every second.
Alex and I look back at the last two months leading up to our wedding with so much gratitude. A huge thanks to our photographer telling us she would fly out no matter what, our venue for saying yes to a micro-ceremony and drive-by receiving line, and our officiant & marriage counselor virtually meeting with us during that time was so special and kept us focused on what our wedding was truly about.
Despite all the mountains of unknowns, we had done it. Our wedding team had rallied hard for us and we would end up having the best day full of celebration and love. More on our wedding day in another post. xoxo.
I am a girl who loves her wedding TV shows. David Tutera? LOVE. Saying yes to THE dress? Love the moment.
When it came to my wedding though, I knew I didn’t want any of that. It simply just wasn’t important to me or Israel. Also, our situation dictated that a quick, no fuss ceremony was needed- on many levels. Let me explain…
To clarify, I was not pregnant. I can see why many people jumped to that conclusion and assumed that that MUST be the reason why a girl would forsake her “special” day. What I was dealing with was a time crunch. Issy was due to PCS to Spain on May 2nd… and we decided to get married on Saturday, April 2nd. Our original plan had me going to Spain unmarried and upon further investigation, we realized that wasn’t logistically responsible. Since we knew we were going to get married anyways, we decided there wasn’t any reason to wait. And I am glad we didn’t.
*Special shout out to Al C…. thank for the real talk regarding marriage and PCS life. You definitely helped us make a better decision and it’s one that we have never regretted.
So, the time crunch became the guiding force on our road to matrimony. We made the decision to get married in Seattle after our return from the vacation we were currently on in Texas. I left a few days early to return to Seattle and figure out the HOW we were going to get married. I had to consider all the documents I would need to file and how to get the certificate the quickest to ensure that we could get me all squared away on the military side of things while I still had Issy to help me… I was super intimidated to walk into the DEERS office on Fort Lewis since I did not, and to this day do not, speak the befuddling language of the military. Time was of the essence.
At the heart of it, I also really didn’t want a big wedding. Really, I didn’t want a wedding at all. This was very hard for some of my friends and family to understand. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t care about the details. I didn’t care about the dress, the food, the wedding party, etc. It simply was not important to me. Committing to a man that made me happy, who loved me, and who I loved was really ALL I cared about. I didn’t need the typical wedding to make me happy or validate my decision. It is also important to state that I was also terrified that a wedding would become about my mother. My mother had passed away about a 15/16 months before and it was still very raw for ALL of us. My fear was that the day would become sad. People would cry that she wasn’t there. As her daughter, I cried regularly about that and as selfish as it may be, I didn’t want “my day” to become about that. I wanted to savor the moment of commitment to my husband without everyone else “wishing my mom could be here.” Or saying, “Ah Kendall, can you feel your mom?” I get that that brings solace to others, but those kinds of things don’t bring me any. More on that in a moment…
I figured out the details and was able to find a judge at the King County Courthouse that could marry us on the date we wanted. He gave us great instructions on what we needed to do and how to do it. While I was working out these details, Issy was in Texas telling his immediate family and close friends about our upcoming decision to get married at the courthouse. Like me, he had some people who thought we were crazy and others who thought we were brilliant for skipping the wedding. It was April and we had started dating in September… this sh&* was happening quick. All of these things were really good questions and concerns. Through all of the voices before and after our ceremony, Issy and I never wavered on our decision to do this our way. Issy and I both had dated A LOT. We had both been around the block and back a few times. When we met and connected, we quickly knew that we were it for each other. Our multitude of experiences made us very certain that we were doing the right thing.
Flash forward a few weeks, Issy had returned to Seattle with his dad in tow to help us with a few things. It was nice that our dads got to meet and hang out a bit. Having parents and family that live in different states makes the whole family bonding thing super difficult. Issy asked my dad for permission to marry me and it was done. My dad was so great about it. He was thrilled we were getting married and he was confident in our choice. When our dads found out I had already set a date and talked to a judge, they jumped on the support bandwagon. Things were all falling into place.
We got married on Thursday, April 21st, 2016 at 5 pm… I think? Maybe 5:30? I can’t even remember. I went to work that morning with lots of butterflies in my stomach. That afternoon I checked in to “Inn At The Market” in Pike Place Market and put on my dress that I had picked for the occasion (shout out to Lorie who met me on whim to help me make the final decision- having you there was special for me). Then I took an Uber to the courthouse to meet Issy, my dad, and Jenny and Jeff (our other witnesses). As I checked into the courthouse I was surprised at how many other couples were there getting married. When Issy walked off the elevator with a bouquet of flowers for me, I knew that everything was perfect. Our ceremony was quick and efficient. Thanks to my dad, Jeff, and Jenny, we have some great pictures to remember the day by. And just like that- we were married. We went out for a really nice dinner right after and were in bed by 11. The next day, I went to work for a few hours and then grabbed my certificate to start the process for a new driver’s license and social security card. Needless to say, Friday April 22nd was efficient.
Over the next few days we shared the news with more of our friends and family. Most were super supportive and happy that we had done what was best for us. Heck, most were happy that WE were happy. Then there were the few who weren’t so pleased or supportive. Someone had the nerve to ask me, “Is that really what your mom would have wanted?” Right there- that’s one reason why I didn’t do the whole big ceremony thing. The whole day would have been about that. And to answer that question (as I did then) my mom thought the drive-thru chapel in Las Vegas was the ideal wedding. That’s the gospel truth. So going to the courthouse was sort of a step up from that… Of course, I wish my mom could have been there. I missed her so much and still miss her every damn day. I don’t feel like I would have disappointed her- which was the implication. In fact, I feel like I honored her. My mom was a huge proponent of doing things that were best for yourself and being confident in your choices. I did those things. I did them with certainty and I would do it all over again.
I know people who have spent some serious money on their wedding and LOVED their day. I know people who spent some serious money on their wedding day and regretted it. I have known some people were getting married and complained about not having the budget to do things the way they really wanted. I know those who have had smaller weddings and those who have done destination weddings. And I have been in A LOT of weddings. Ultimately, you have to do what you and your partner want to do. You have to live with all the choices and be happy with them. Just because I had a courthouse wedding doesn’t mean I think bigger ceremonies are stupid! I personally just didn’t want one. We didn’t want to spend the money on one- even though my dad would have paid for it in a second. But I didn’t want to ask him. And Issy and I wanted to put our money towards building our life together. The courthouse was convenient, simple, and was 100% about Issy and I. It was perfect for who we are as a couple.
I often get asked if I regret not having a dress to pass on to my daughter. No. That’s just not a thing for me. If Rosemary decides to get married and have a massive wedding, we support her! She can create her own traditions and embrace her own vision. Who knows? Maybe she will go to the courthouse? Honestly, I have no opinion on the matter. She has to make her own decisions and be happy with them. I don’t want her to do one thing or another just to try and make us happy… life is too short for that kind of stuff.
Embrace falling in love the way you want to fall in love and if you choose to get married, embrace that too and find your own way! Everyone will always have an opinion based on their experiences and that’s ok! Take it all in. Listen to it. Then do what is best for your partnership.
And to people who have said I didn’t have a “real” wedding… shut up.
I am lucky. We still have income, our health, and general stability. What’s changed for me and my family is more cosmetic than anything. Vermont has handled the outbreak of COVID-19 with relative ease; this being a perk of living in a small and rural state. While we have had deaths in my state, we have had far more survivors. As of this writing, our current number of deaths sits at 58. It is still 58 people too many for my liking. People from all over New England are now flocking to Vermont to “ride out” the pandemic. This isn’t a joke- real estate has become competitive with out of towners looking for a second home oasis. Local businesses have rallied the best they can. Citizens are mostly responsible. Yet…
Yet for all those things, life has still been altered. Due to the economy, we had to take a temporary pay cut. Rosemary’s exposure to much of the world has been cut and/or limited but, luckily, she is completely unaware. Issy now works from home full-time and sees his coworkers from the computer screen. The list goes on… for all of us regardless if you see this whole thing as a hoax or not.
COVID-19 has awoken a dark fear in me. My mother passed away very unexpectedly and quickly from the flu. Seeing the swift actions taken to try and save her are still fresh in my memory. When I think of what the coronavirus does or can do to someone infected, I see my mom. And I am afraid. I do not want to die that way. I am not ready to go. There is so much left to learn, live, and see. I am not ready to leave my daughter without a mother. Sufficed to say, I am more conscious of my health. Pair this new-found alertness with a seriously lethal allergy season that has been rife with breathing and throat problems galore and all I can say is that 2020 has kept me on edge.
Despite the virus lockdown , I have been active with both myself and my daughter. I am always trying to figure out a new way to expose her to different things or a way to keep my mental health healthy. If you have any tips, PLEASE let me know. The alteration of one’s expectations and routines are never easy to accept but I remind myself that there are people who are truly struggling with the effects of this virus on a physical health, mental health, and financial health level/levels and I tell myself to, “STFU.” I am lucky. Life could be different.
Being in quarantine doesn’t bother me so much. As an introvert, it feels like this is the general way I have lived my life- and no, that’s not sad. I like the quiet. I like being at home. What I do miss greatly about normal life though is the freedom to leave when I want or take my daughter to the grocery store with me. Every outing has to be fairly calculated and that is not always convenient. I miss date nights with my husband on Church Street- selfish, I know. I miss seeing all the local shops jam packed full with people during this time of year. It’s quieter and I know that means more financial burden for the community and its members.
I have hope that a vaccine will be developed. But I also realize that the development of a vaccine isn’t going to instantly bring back our economy or restore people’s stability. That will come with time and time can be pretty darn cruel. Eventually though, life will resume to a level of “normal.” And when it does, I hope to see you; maybe even give you a hug or kiss. Until then, I hope you are doing ok and if I can do something for you during this crazy time, let me know.
The redefinition of a word: a superpower you may never know you had.
Recently I went on a walk with a friend. We were talking about motherhood and babies. She, a new mom herself, made a comment in passing about how “over-committed” I am and how that would have to change if I were to have a newborn.
I laughed it off because she clearly doesn’t know how many responsibilities and leadership roles I have tapered off over the past two years and how slowed down my life has felt since the beginning of 2020 (even pre-Covid) but, nonetheless, her words stung. I had to stop and utilize a skill I learned several years ago in my life coaching group.
During one of my life coaching meetings I came to the group super upset. Multiple people that day had referred to me as being “too busy,” my life “so exhausting,” and even asked me “how do you have friends with a schedule like that,” etc. It wasn’t the words that held the weight but all the nonverbal cues (ahem, Communication Major over here) like facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language told me these people clearly disapproved of my professional and social schedule. Why did it matter to them anyway? My life coach smiled and said, “instead of letting the word busy hold a negative meaning, what if you could change it? What if the word busy meant that you are putting your time and effort into activities, organizations, and people that you love? What if busy was a compliment?”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been letting other people’s negative connotation to the word busy upset me for far too long. It was time I realized that all my effort in leading a local young professional group, learning more about my Scandinavian heritage, and encouraging women and girls to get outside was serving me in all the most fulfilling ways. I didn’t think of myself as overcommitted; I was proud of my commitments. I chose each of them. I said “yes” when most would say “no.” I chose to push myself professionally and personally. I chose to get outside my comfort zone and make my community better. I was busy but in the BEST way possible.
After that life coaching session, I felt empowered with my new definition of the word. It seems silly that we let a word hold so much meaning when we have the power to change our perspective- a superpower each of us possesses and can use at any moment!
The next time someone says something that feels deflating to you, rude, or insensitive, I challenge you to stop and think of ways that word can be redefined to better represent it’s presence in your life. For example, if your thoughts around the word healthy are negative, redefine what healthy means to you. Go use that superpower! **AND let me know what word you have redefined for yourself.
If you told me 6 months ago that I would be spending my evenings tie dying clothing in a shower in the middle of a global pandemic, I would have looked at you like you were crazy – yet here we are.
This wasn’t how 2020 was supposed to go.
I was a creature of impeccable habit. I woke up at the same time, ate the same foods, worked the same job, wrote the same lists; I wore my militant discipline almost as a badge of honor, thwarting it over people to show them that you really could accomplish anything with the right amount of regulation and control.
2019 brought me the devastating loss of my father. We knew it was coming; there was no medical hope or miracle in the world that could have saved him. Before he passed, I was spiraling. My methodical means of coping were no longer an option when I was faced with something so utterly out of my control. I couldn’t craft a thoughtful list of how to save a life.
Some may argue that death shouldn’t bring you anything but sorrow and pain, but this pivotal moment in my life inspired me to break free from who I was before. If anything should motivate you to live your life (and I mean truly live it, not some imposter-of-an-existence that I was in), it should be the lesson that, as George Strait once said, “I’m here for a good time, not a long time.” Your life can get cut short in an instant, and I was not going to waste another moment of it not doing the things that brought me joy. I was going to travel, see the world, eat the food – anything and everything my dad would have wanted for me. Then the pandemic hit.
This wasn’t how 2020 was supposed to go.
I had grand plans for this year and in what felt like an instant, the world stopped. Work slowed, gyms closed, travel was not an option; then the depression and anxiety hit. I had just managed to start digging myself out of the deep hole I had been living in for the past couple of years with my renewed enthusiasm and zest for life, and here I was again; dangerously flirting with reuniting with it. I honestly didn’t even know what to do with myself, especially since I couldn’t even go back to my “normal” way of life. How does one plan their life anymore when there isn’t a plan? I didn’t have a handbook on how to navigate my life during a pandemic.
At the root of it all, I had to remember what I promised myself I would – life is short and I cannot spend my days wishing I had taken the leap to do the things that make me happy. I needed a creative outlet, and what started as an activity to keep me busy at home turned into what I can lovingly call a small business. If you hadn’t gathered earlier, I am a meticulous, almost-robotic (at times) person, so the idea of trying something that I am not already an expert at completely frightened me. But, for the first time in a long time, I was excited about something, and I needed to keep that positive momentum going for my mental health and survival. People don’t always like to admit this, but I will – I value the opinions of other people (yup, I DO care what people think of me), so the notion of sharing this new venture with my community was a huge change for me to take – but I did it, because if I hadn’t, I would have regretted it.
You may call it tie dying, but I call it tie dying for my life.
This wasn’t how 2020 was supposed to go.
But maybe –
This was exactly how 2020 was supposed to go.
You can find Allyson on Instagram at @upcycledstylefinds and on Etsy!
Allyson is a fabulous and fierce friend of Shari and Kendall. She went to WWU with them and is currently an active member of the Bellingham community. Allyson lives with her husband, Tyler, and precious pup, Luna. Kendall and Shari adore her because she is always quick with her wit and loving with her friends.
Thank you. Thank you for being born- though I realize you can’t actually take the credit for that. Regardless, thank you. Because you were born, we are where we are.
Meeting you changed my life. Meeting you calmed me. Loving you has made me a better person. You have this beautiful outlook of the world that makes me feel more positive, stable, and open. Your happiness is infectious. Your ability to talk with ANYONE about ANYTHING baffles yet delights me. Your easy going nature makes you magnetic to our friends. Your “figure it the f&!$ out” attitude is what drives us. Working hard isn’t just something you do sometimes- you do it every day, without fail.
We’ve had successes and we’ve had some failures… yet we somehow always end up where we need to be… and that’s something I 100% attribute to you since I get caught up in a lot of the smaller details. Your drive is something I am so proud of and it’s something that has been tested a lot in the past few years. You don’t give up. You get up at 5:30 every morning to sneak in a workout before you sit down for an 8-hour work day. You are constantly wanting to better yourself in every way possible.
More than anything, who you are as a dad is what I am most proud of. Rosemary is the luckiest little lady to call you “daddy” or sometimes “danny.” She loves you hard, Issy. While she is little, her love is the biggest of all for you. And let’s not forget Bella… she loves you so much that she cannot not touch you while we sleep. The second you came into our lives, she ditched me for you. I know that. I can’t even be that mad at her… you are pretty spectacular.
I know you don’t particularly love public tributes… but too bad. You are someone to be celebrated, my love. You make everything in my life better.
So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! August 13th, 1985 is one of the most important dates in my calendar. You’re it, Israel.
For as long as I can remember, we’ve always had canned dill pickles in our pantry. Some of my earliest memories from family holiday dinners included a two sectioned crystal plate that held sliced homemade dill pickles and olives. The little plate was always prepared ahead of time and everyone would snack on it before dinner. I’m pretty sure my love of grandma’s pickles started from that small appetizer platter.
Now as an adult I love having pickles in my own pantry (bonus the kids also love them). It is my honor to share this precious family recipe with you and a few of our tips and tricks too.
Grandma’s Dill Pickle Recipe
Brine: – 1 quart Apple Cider Vinegar – 3 quarts Water – 1/2 cup Pickling Salt
Boil for 3 minutes
Step 1: As my Grandma would say, just quickly brush off the bumps. Note this isn’t a perfect process but is a nice way to wash the cucumbers* with a rough scrubber. *Our family likes the small and medium size pickling cucumbers so we order a mixture of sizes from a local farm.
Step 2: Stuff the (wide mouth quart) jar with a full sprig of dill and two pre-peeled garlic cloves, then play tetras and stuff those pickles in the jar.
Step 3: Pour in the hot brine mixture (see above recipe) into the jar, close it with a pre-boiled lid, and place in the oven at 300 degrees in a 9 x 13 in pan with a dish rag at the bottom of the pan filled with an inch of hot water. After 7 minutes rotate the jars, cook for another 8+ minutes until the cucumbers lose their bright green color.
Step 4: Carefully pull out each jar and let it set on the counter for 24 hours, jars will pop and seal (which is such a satisfying sound)!
This process yields about 5-6 quarts so repeat as necessary. Grandma would can pickles in late July or early August and the general rule was we couldn’t start eating the pickles until Thanksgiving, giving it 3 months (at least) to let the flavors cure to perfection. We lovingly refer to Grandma’s pickle recipe as “pure gold!”
It seems as if I have been aware of my weight (and therefore, how I look) for as long as I can remember. It also seems as if I have forever been dissatisfied with this part of myself. Weight management is a super prevalent part of our culture… especially for women. There are an array of programs out there catered towards staying healthy, getting healthy, loving yourself, etc. It’s almost overwhelming. And after years of reflection and struggle with all of it, here is where I have finally decided I stand.
I just don’t care anymore. I cannot possibly keep up with it. Nor do I want to. I have realized that I don’t think I will ever look in the mirror and say that my naked body is sexy… I mean, I like certain parts of my body! I definitely appreciate my body and what it is capable of. The point has just come where I don’t want to keep trying to reach some ideal in my head. For some, those goals are super healthy and an essential part of living their best lives! I totally get that and respect that… to each their own! For me, I need to let that go.
I have been heavier than I am now and I have been thinner than I am now. The conclusion that I have really come to is that I just want to FEEL good. And once I figured out what that means to me, it’s been easier to come up with a realistic perspective of weight management. One that doesn’t make me feel like crap or tell me that I am crap for not reaching milestones. For me, being active and having the stamina to keep up with my daughter is what makes me feel good. Exercise has helped me heal from some pregnancy stuff, toned me up a bit, and given me endurance. And let me tell you, I need endurance when I am running around after my 22 month old.
Back in November, I committed to working out again. We were finally settled in our home and developing a familial routine. Routine is KEY for me. Routine keeps me happy and sane. It keeps me motivated. So once that was flowering, I decided to start hitting the gym again. Lucky for me, my husband built an amazing home gym so all I need to do is trot down to my basement, turn on some tunes and get to work. When I started getting my butt down to the gym, I realized how much better I was feeling… how my body was finally healing from carrying R for 9 months. My flexibility improved. My stamina improved. Heck, even my sex drive improved! My weight… meh sure, I have lost a little. I am slowly toning up though and I am committed to being in the gym AT LEAST 4 times a week. Ideally 5 days but sometimes that’s just hard. Some days I just need sleep or my little one is going crazy and I need to parent more than I need to hit a HIIT or work on my abs.
Working out and not trying to desperately reach a goal has been good for me. I love that it is part of my morning routine. Since COVID-19 has hit, it has also become the ONLY time of day that is mine alone… no kiddo to watch and no partner to check in on. Issy makes this time more efficient for me and actually plans my workouts… with my input, of course. This time makes me feel like I am also doing something important for my daughter. I am showing her (as is my husband with his daily gym time) that taking care of our bodies is important and natural. It’s not a spectacle… it’s just what you do. I want her to see that her mom can lift weights and jump rope like a boss… just as she is; not thinner, not bigger, but just as I am. More importantly, I want to show her that loving your body and taking care of it doesn’t have to be an unhealthy or all-consuming battle.
I am never going to be a size 0. And probably never a size 8… though I CAN get there, I really don’t want to maintain it… it’s too time consuming. I comfortably sit at a size 10-14 and have since I was 21. And I am ok with that. I’ve got great T&A and I don’t really want to apologize for it. I eat healthy about 85% of the week and listen to my body. That’s a skill that’s taken me YEARS to hone in on but it’s the most important skill. My body wants to work out and eat healthy food… so I do that… it also wants a pizza on a weekly basis… and that’s ok- that’s why God made the Dominos app. I am ok with that. I am ok with working on my body being a long process. Getting caught up and obsessed is no longer an option- it sucks, is time consuming, and will only further perpetuate a cycle of self-hate… and to quote Roger Murtaugh, “I’m getting too old for this shit.” I am in a place where I really just want to be ok with my life… constantly improving but not in a destructive way and constantly giving everything I have to myself and my family. And my dog. It’s all about joy… because life is too damn short to not have some joy y’all.
Many powerful movements have been finding their strength and support on social media. They use social media as a viable platform to launch awareness and advocacy regarding issues that the average person may never know about, let alone be educated on. I find the knowledge and solidarity empowering and yet you can never fully escape it getting all too political. The debates and the opinions thrown around about topics tend to dilute the message of the movement. Which makes me a firm believer of doing your own research and the importance of credible resources.
Recently I found myself reading the Instagram story of a friend online about another advocacy topic. Her intentions were good but her screenshots left me with nowhere to find more information so with my limited knowledge I brushed off the topic with annoyance. “Why do so many good intention trends or hashtags get so much backlash?”, I thought. I am tired of people just going against the grain just to cause unnecessary drama. It’s moments like these where my Instagram icon starts to wiggle as I contemplate deleting it off my iPhone.
But then there are people like my friend Alycia, she posted references to the same topic on her Instagram stories. Unlike the other person, she actually linked her stories to other accounts with more information and empowered the hashtag for what it was, while also leading her friends and followers to learn and grow if they so desired. As my friend Alycia stated so perfectly, “If your goal is to help people educate themselves, then give them resources. We’re all just trying to raise awareness and be good stewards of humanity for goodness sake.”
If you want to raise awareness on social media, point people in the right direction to dig deeper. Be more like Alycia.
** Please note, the following post contains explicit language.
Dear Karen,
I am writing to you to apologize. This whole COVID-19 thing is a bitch, huh? The masks, the gloves, the hand sanitizer, the fight for Clorox wipes, the rising cost of food items… it’s enough to make you pull your hair out and scream at people to suck it up and get back to business as usual… right? It is unfathomable that to get your hair cut and colored, you have to have your temperature taken and a mask must be securely fastened to your face. Where is your right to say, “Screw this! I am NOT wearing a mask to my dental appointment.”? All great questions. You are, after all, an independent woman with rights as an American citizen. You do not appreciate being painted as an angry white woman (imagine the nerve). Girlfriend, I getcha. This shit sucks. People die of other diseases all the time and we don’t shut down our country… so everyone just needs to pull it together!
And that’s where I say, you are wrong, Karen. Yes, this whole thing sucks. It feels like we are living something out of a science fiction horror novel. It sucks that life as usual has paused. But, guess what? It will not get better until this whole thing gets better; until cases are down and deaths aren’t, well, deaths. I know masks seem stupid… but if you could protect one vulnerable person, why wouldn’t you? Do not call yourself pro-life when you proclaim that masks inhibit your freedoms and that this whole thing is fake… are you willing to bet YOUR life on that? If so, girlfriend, you are not pro-life. That is not respecting the sanctity of one’s life.
When you throw out numbers… please do so carefully. I know that lots of people die of the flu every year and that those deaths don’t shut down economies! Trust me, I KNOW. Those deaths are tragedies too… perhaps if we wore masks (like other countries) around flu season, we wouldn’t have so many deaths to be using in your argument to justify why this whole Corona beer thing is crap…
If you don’t trust scientists, then fine. That’s on you, Karen. As such please don’t seek the aid of anyone in the medical field, or send your kids to school (science class be damned!), or get vaccinated. If you don’t trust other countries and the measures they are taking to reduce and contain COVID-19, then please don’t ever leave American soil. You are not wanted or welcome in countries that are doing the best they can to save their people.
Did you know that other countries and NOW the US have had to start using freezer trucks to store bodies because the morgues are full up? Ain’t that some shit? I am sorry that your regularly scheduled programming has been interrupted. I am sorry that you feel the way you do, I truly am. It must be terrible to feel that way.
I am not sorry enough though. I will continue to wear my mask in public and offend your sensibilities. I will continue to keep my daughter at home and away from crowds. I will do whatever needs to be done to help keep the numbers down, to protect my daughter, to protect my at-risk father, to protect my husband… whatever is asked of me, I will do. As a person who gets claustrophobic, I will wear my damn mask. I will sanitize my house often (though that’s not new- I am a bit OCD and my house is always properly sanitized and cleaned). I will get to Costco first thing in the morning to try and get Clorox wipes. I will do my part to support nurses and doctors on the front lines (shout out to Kate and Alisa- you ladies are heroes). I will do ANYTHING to not have to ever see another person die on a ventilator whether it be COVID-19, the flu, or any other virus or disease or WHATEVER. If we could stop cancer by wearing a mask, wouldn’t we? I mean, come on… WOULDN’T WE? Why is this virus so hard to take seriously? Are you that untrusting of your country? The world? Of your friends and family? For that then, I am truly sorry for you.
Though you may not care if I die from COVID-19, I really hope you don’t. I want you to see what your disbelief has impacted. And I want you to live with it.
Grief is described in the dictionary as “very great sadness, especially at the death of someone.”
What about another form of grief? Grief that feels socially unacceptable, grief that is defined as grieving the loss of someone still alive. The term is relatively new to me but also so familiar, namingly ‘unconventional grief’. I argue that unconventional grief can simply be felt in normal everyday stages of life, especially when those stages come with unplanned, life altering, and dare I say, gut-wrenching changes.
** Before I tell you about what led me to my realization of how unconventional grief has manifested in my life, I want to acknowledge that sadness over the loss of a loved one is valid, heartbreaking, and painful. If you have lost someone you love, my heart and soul sympathizes with you. I am achingly aware that grief is ever evolving and never completely goes away.
My unconventional grief hit me hard at the age of 26 when my oldest brother informed me he was moving his family to Columbus, Ohio… 2,500 miles across the United States. My heart sank, my pulse quickened, and I was torn between showing excitement at my brother’s new opportunity and the overwhelming sadness pouring out of me. I pushed every emotion aside and toasted to my brother’s new adventure. Later that evening when I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, I told myself to stop. I thought about all the people I knew with family in other states and I told myself to suck it up, be happy for my brother, plan trips to visit them, and deal with it. In the months to follow I did suppress all of those emotions and focused on my brother’s family and their upcoming move. I helped them pack, I spent as much time with my little nieces and nephews as possible (see picture of me kissing my youngest niece), and I trained for a half marathon to distract myself/ try to deal with the pain I couldn’t control.
It wasn’t until years later that I finally acknowledged my legitimate grief during that season of life. What I wouldn’t do to go back and hug that 26 year old version of myself and tell her to allow herself to be sad and not to bottle it up.
Now when I hear of friends or family that are grieving a change in their life or a loved one moving away or their children growing up too quickly, I am the first to tell them that their unconventional grief is acceptable, understandable, and normal.
What unconventional grief have you bottled up?
Acknowledge it, allow yourself to be sad, cry, and simply feel it.
I promise the sadness will dissipate, you will find happiness again.
I feel A LOT of shame about this topic. Like, a lot. Everyone always talks about postpartum depression… but no one talks about depression DURING the pregnancy. It’s very real. And it feels very shameful.
For starters, I had a really tough pregnancy. On top of a lot of the regular things your body goes through, there are other things that can happen. For some, it’s no big deal and for others, it is a super big deal. Pregnancy wasn’t the experience I had hoped for- and that’s ok. I don’t look back and hate any of it, but I do acknowledge that because of those experiences, I am not sold on having a second kiddo.
**I want to say that I never felt any sadness about Rosemary during her time in my belly. She actually brought me a lot of peace. For this, I am grateful. I am grateful that I didn’t have any unhealthy anxiety over her or dark thoughts about her. She was my solace. I also want to say that my husband took such wonderful care of me during this time. He showed up to EVERY appointment, made sure I ate, and even drove me to therapy. He entertained guests so that I didn’t have to when I wasn’t feeling well. He was, and is to this day, my rock. Unfortunately, the following events are really tough for our family to talk about because of the fact that I was in such a dark spot. I know he shoulders a lot of responsibility (more than he should- but it’s who he is) and despite all the care and comfort he was indeed providing, it was not enough… and the hard truth for me to own is that I don’t know if anything would have qualified as enough. It isn’t logical… sometimes issues of mental health aren’t easily defined. I was not myself. I was not in a good place. I was in so much physical pain and tried to hide a lot of it from him. I was also very good at hiding a lot of my feelings from him because I didn’t want to burden him or bring him down into the trenches. Was keeping him out the right thing? Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe a lot of what I was feeling might have felt less… less crazy if I had let him in? Maybe I would have not felt so “dark?” Maybe. All I can say is that I am grateful for everything he did for me. He loves me more than I sometimes can comprehend. Israel is my better half and he always will be.**
The dark haze started when I was 4 months pregnant and more specifically, after a group of girlfriends visited me in Spain. Seeing my friends was so amazing and I had not realized how much I missed having fellowship with the women who knew me, accepted me, and lifted me up. I loved laughing, having super smart conversations, and showing them Spain. When they departed I realized how much I had adapted to being alone in Spain. Sure, I had Issy. And sure, I had friends… but it wasn’t the same and I didn’t realize how much my heart needed those women that loved me for me as me. I realize that may sound crazy but having people that knew me as my own self and had witnessed me grow up was actually essential. It validated me and made me realize how much I missed witnessing their lives and celebrating their successes and comforting them in times of need. I missed that fellowship. As I was processing that, my pregnancy started to get tougher. And as it got tougher, I felt more alone, more crazy, more unworthy, and more inconsequential. I knew something wasn’t right (years of working on my mental health finally paid off and I was able to notice some important signs). I think I also felt more alone than usual because I didn’t have my mom. That was hard for me. I couldn’t really talk to anyone the way I needed to talk to my mom. I didn’t have my mom and I didn’t have my friends.
It was in June of 2018 while we had company that my mental health got really bad. Part of it was what was going on inside of my brain and part of it was that I was left to myself a lot. Issy is a great host and took charge of showing off everything Valencia had to offer. I couldn’t do a lot of the things our guests and my husband were doing because I was just so damn uncomfortable and life in the Spanish heat made me more irritable. This is no one’s fault… I blame the sun and my ever persistent need to have to pee. It didn’t take a lot for me to just feel… inconsequential. I couldn’t rally to stay up late and hang out or go out and party with friends. I felt so lame. I was so tired (my exhaustion lasted through my whole pregnancy- it was super uncomfortable). Thus, I was alone. And when I could do things, I really didn’t want to. Truth be told, I wanted to… but I literally could not. I was blessed enough (insert an insane amount of sarcasm here) to have SPD, a kind of pelvis issue, starting in trimester 2. Walking literally hurt so bad I could feel my hips pulsing with pain and my pelvis grinding because they were so stiff. I was also lucky enough (NOT) to experience my first UTI during this time in the pregnancy… this would become 1 of 5 UTIs. AND NO- it’s not because I didn’t keep “it” clean. My girl, Rosemary, just liked to lean a certain way in my womb. Each time required an emergency visit to my doctor or the ER to check the intensity of it because it is not uncommon that an untreated or severe UTI can cause preterm labor. Luckily, mine were never that bad; just painful and treatable with an antibiotic… which I had to take… 5 times. Needless to say June was the start of me really not being ok. After having several bouts of painful Braxton Hicks contractions brought on by stress, I knew I needed to get some help.
Normally, getting help wouldn’t be a problem. BUT… I was in Spain. I relied on my husband for most of my translations with bigger things like medical stuff. I could shop, dine, taxi, and converse with neighbors and other NATO families just fine (with a little help here and there) by myself… but medical stuff… I could not. I needed a therapist. And I needed them to speak English. Luckily, I had the BEST doctor. Dra. Marisa Montesinos Carbonell is amazing and she was able to help find me one that did speak English. Talking to someone did help. More than anything, she made me feel not so crazy.
I still struggled. I didn’t feel like myself. And if I didn’t feel like myself, I know I wasn’t acting like myself. Issy won’t say this, because he is too kind, but I know he didn’t know what to do with me. I never wanted to take him away from the things that made him happy so I rarely ever said “no” to anything. I said yes to everything and ended up resenting those decisions. I didn’t want to go over to people’s houses and sit in the uncomfortable Spanish heat. I didn’t want to pretend I was happy when honestly, I wasn’t. I was so upset at doing things I didn’t want to do. I hated having to leave early so that I could go home and just sleep. AND, I hated doing that even more because I always went home by myself. It made me feel more alone and more screwed up. Honestly, it made me feel unworthy. That feeling alone is super complex to remember and it’s something I won’t be diving into right now. Even remembering this particular feeling is painful and brings me a lot of sadness. Normally, doing all of these regular things would have been fine… but between the pain and what was going on in my head, I was a mess. None of these feelings are a reflection of ANYONE who was in my life at the time. Truly. All of what I was feeling was a dark haze of crazy in my head. And I was lucky enough to recognize that… which is also why I did opt to be alone a lot (even if I struggled with that loneliness). To me, it was better to be alone and process my feelings than to drag anyone into it with me… including, the love of my life.
As my final month of pregnancy began, a lot of those feelings started to go away. Happiness began to feel more “normal.” I actually enjoyed being pregnant. Granted, I still had one last UTI and my hips were so stiff I could barely walk in the evenings after a long day without a few tears… but, I had a better handle on all of it. I also just had a feeling that everything was going to be ok and that those feelings and emotions I was struggling with were behind me. Thank goodness I was right. I ended up not having any postpartum depression. Sure, I had a few moments where I felt the surge of hormones but never anything extreme or beyond what I could reasonably handle with little effort. For that, I am grateful.
When I look back on my pregnancy, I get emotional. I suppose this is because I remember being depressed. I remember feeling alone, being treated differently, and being in so much physical pain ALL THE TIME. I don’t look back on the time with a lot of fond memories. With that said, I do look back with a little bit of longing. Feeling Rosemary in my belly was a constant. I felt her kicks early on. I felt her move and swish every day. She made me feel not alone. She made me feel happy and strong. That connection is something unique to her and I.
Something that my pregnancy experience also taught me was that everyone has an opinion. Everyone has an opinion about what your labor experience will be like, what you choose to feed the baby, the things you decide to purchase for the baby (and what they cost), and how you choose to parent. This is totally normal. Everyone is pulling from their own experiences to give you a story of what it looks like. Usually they mean well. Sometimes you can feel their judgement of your decisions and/or experience or even their desire to live vicariously through you. It was a little overwhelming and honestly, at times, irritating. It did teach me about what kind of support I want to be to friends who are pregnant. I don’t really care too much about how anybody does anything. I just want to be supportive! I want to be a safe place for someone to say, today is amazing and here is why OR to say, today sucks and here is what I am feeling. Sure I have opinions on baby swag and feeding stuff, but I don’t think anyone really cares… I am not putting my experience or preferences on anybody… unless they ask!
Currently, Rosemary is crying up a storm because I took the book “Go Dog Go” away from her. I didn’t want her using it as a teething toy. Obviously, I am an evil mama. Just kidding. She will get over it. She was worth it all. Every. Damn. Thing.
September 30th, 2018- the night before R was born.
When it comes to my day hiking essentials I have six years of field tested knowledge and a whole lot of research to make me super confident when suggesting my top three day hiking MVPs (and a bonus must-have).
I struggled with footwear for a long time. I have Saloman hiking boots but they were too much shoe for just a basic day hike. However, simple sneakers don’t do the trick either… enter in “trail or hiking shoes.” I bought a few pairs before asking a friend who completed the Pacific Crest Trail what she recommended. Her answer was simple and definitive… Altra Lone Peaks.
I know, I know, not everyone likes trekking poles and I was one of those people for a long time. There are still some hikes that I opt not to use them but I ALWAYS bring them. Going down steep areas on the trail is where I learned to love trekking poles and use them wisely. Now they are just a normal part of my day hiking trips and an even more essential part of backpacking adventures.
Daypacks can vary but I would say it is safe to choose a pack that is between 15-25 liters depending on what you plan on bringing. I like the happy middle of 18 or 20 liter packs to bring on day hikes. It is super important that the pack has a hydration bladder included so that you can fill it up and stay hydrated throughout your hike. There are a lot of amazing backpacks to choose from so why did I suggest an Osprey? I hear so many great things consistently about the Osprey daypacks that I linked one here. Other brands I love are Camelbak, Patagonia, and Arc’teryx.
Bonus recommendation: Therm-a-Rest Z-Seat Pad so you can comfortably sit anywhere and it is super lightweight. You can thank me later!
Also don’t go on a hike without the 10 Essentials, what are 10 Essentials? Read this great article by SheJumps here!
Enjoy getting outside!
*This is NOT SPONSORED by anyone! These are my opinions alone and you should consult professionals with any other hiking questions or concerns you may have.*
The Salty Exchange 