Tag: Friends

Kendall- Hey There!

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It’s been a minute since I’ve posted. Life with two kids changed significantly and keeping up with The Salty Exchange wasn’t easy for me. So, here I am two years later… a little wiser, a little more tired (‘cuz… kids), and a little more focused.

In the two plus years since I’ve last posted, I can tell you that time has FLOWN. Chéo is in preschool. Rosemary trekked through kindergarten and is now in first grade. Bella turned 13. Issy is now 40. And me? I made some decisions about my life that needed to be made. My faith has become one of the biggest pillars of my life. I finally shed the shame of wanting to defend or be embarrassed by my choice to serve my family as a career. I got my ass back in the gym to rebuild strength. My health became a priority, and I made the steps to get the extra help I needed to get physically healthy. I weaned myself off my anti-anxiety medicine because it was just time (no shame to those who stay on it- that stuff WORKS and I am forever grateful). In this time, I stopped comparing the work that my husband and I were doing. For a long while, I thought he was the one that was worth more than me. After all, he had a job, brought home the money, made time to work out, and had major successes to celebrate. Once I let go of comparing our values and making it a competition in my head, I actually became a much happier person. He does what he needs to do because he is the one meant to do that work and serve that role in our lives. I do what my family needs me to do and quite frankly, I am the only one who can because that’s just who I am designed to be. Through all of this, my husband has become my biggest protector. He questions what and who I pour my energy into not because he is controlling but because he hates to see me burn out, hurt, and frustrated. He is protective of my spirit and helps me walk through things. Instead of nickeling and diming his time, I have become more supportive of his love for music and performing and have helped him to balance that with family time. As he has gone through the ranks at work, I have listened to him talk through things, edit resumes, and celebrated his wins with him and I do this without jealousy in my heart.

Taking a hard look at my life wasn’t intentionally done. It just sort of happened circa the autumn of 2023. I began to see that who I was trying to be wasn’t someone I wanted my kids to know. Don’t get me wrong, who I was trying to be wasn’t bad… I was just not happy. It wasn’t actually me. I made some tough calls about who I wanted in my life and what I wanted my focus to be. Once I began to articulate that, things just got better. Gone were the distractions that didn’t serve me and in its place was something infinitely softer. I realized I am a soft person. I am sensitive, I am careful, and I am thoughtful. Imperfect as all get out? Oh, yeah! But I am here. I am content with what my life is and who is in it. God sent me some wonderful friends that have lifted me up and made me laugh. Even now, as I write this, these ladies are there for each other, sending prayer requests, prayers, memes, jokes, and wine recommendations to each other. Community is important to me but not just any community. Community that respects and supports that my family is the priority in my life, that I am an imperfect mother trying to be better, and community that lifts me up in faith and in softness is what’s important.

So, now that we are back here is what you can expect. I will be talking more about my adventures as a mom, wife, and friend, my feelings about my health journey and my choice to take Wegovy, my unfiltered thoughts on crazy people on the internet- because let’s be honest, there is A LOT to dissect there, the occasional recipe or shopping haul, and my faith. If it’s your first time here, welcome. Shari and I are just regular people writing out our thoughts like we would in a diary. We aren’t here for the fans, the likes, or the fame. That sounds like entirely too much work. But we are here to make you laugh and connect on the stuff that matters to us.

Until next time, enjoy the last warmth of summer. Fall is coming! Oh… and I am obviously a Swiftie.

Kendall: How to Be a Good House Guest

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Photo by Andrew Neel on Pexels.com

So last week, I blogged about prepping for house guests! With the world opening up, gathering together is going to be a thing again! If you are hosting, check out my tips and tricks for preparing for friends and family. IF you are the friend or family member visiting, let me give you some ideas on how to be a good guest… and therefore, be welcomed back again!

The first thing you need to identify is: WHY are you visiting someone? Is it for pleasure? Is there a purpose? For example, are you going to take care of someone who is sick? Visiting a new baby? Hanging with friends? The reason for your visit will dictate much of your trip. Let’s dive in to a few different scenarios and identify some good tips for being not just a good house guest, but a freaking GREAT one.

Trip Purpose: Caring for Your Grandmother, Sick Relative/Friend, etc.
When caring for anyone who is elderly or sick can be difficult. This isn’t always a super fun trip but more a trip of agency. In most cases, you aren’t really the guest but the caregiver. As such, you need to have a full understanding of the person’s situation. Is someone sick with cancer? Elderly? Dementia? Get educated on everything you can. Ask questions. When you get there, jump into helping with meals, cleaning, laundry, etc. Be considerate. Cook nutritious meals. It’s amazing what eating well can do for a person’s health both physically and mentally. Clean up after meals. Maintain order and a routine. While this might be a bit boring, it is most helpful to whoever is sick or in need of care. Get the numbers of all doctors and keep them taped up somewhere in case you need contact them. Know where the local pharmacy is. Ask where they like to get their hair cut or nails done and help them make appointments. This bit of normalcy makes a huge difference when someone has or is loosing a bit of their independence. My last bit of advice here is to NOT ADD TO THE MESS. Set the boundary with yourself that you are in someone else’s space. Respect it. Clean it. Don’t stockpile on things. Keep it simple.

Trip Purpose: Visiting Friends or Family
Excited to actually hug someone you love? Yeah, I think we all relate. When visiting someone, ask if there is anything you can bring. Check to see if they have any plans that might require things like extra cold/warm weather items. Do you need to reserve a spot for rock climbing or can you look into a bike rental? HOW can you help them prepare for YOU! Once there, help out a bit. Take your dishes to the sink, try and keep your space somewhat tidy. Respect the space you are in. You don’t need to go all “me” and clean up everything every day, but you do need to read your host. Are they struggling to get all the dishes washed? Do they need help taking the dog out? A lot of things will depend on HOW long you are staying. If you are only staying a few days, just try to be present and in the moment and ask what you can do on your way out. I love it when guests strip their beds and form a pile of used sheets and towels. This makes it easy for me to drop everything in the washer. My dad (depending on his flight time) will even start the load of linens for me. He understands my OCD heart. If you are staying for 3-5 days, pitch in with dishes. If you are staying beyond 5 days, ask what your host needs. Do they like linens washed once a week? I do. Can you contribute to the grocery bill? Help watch the kids while your host(s) make dinner? Water some plants? Actually make a meal? To put it simply, ask and then be willing to jump in. We usually don’t ask for a lot… maybe watching the kiddo while I cook dinner. BUT I do like to be asked. It shows you are considerate and understand that we are trying to make your trip a fun one.

Trip Purpose: A New Baby
There is a new little human in your life. Whether you are a friend or family, this is a BIG event! It’s also a really beautiful time for a family and they may want to share that joy with you. Remember, this visit isn’t so much about entertaining you… What I mean is, don’t expect your host(s) to be up making breakfast, whipping out some lunch, and creating a Michelin star dinner for you. In fact, you should really be helping out here. Pitch in. The parent(s) do not need you to hold the baby 24/7. Believe it or not, that is RARELY helpful. In fact, this is a time that is so essential for baby to bond with their humans. Start some laundry? Make a dinner? Help with clean up before you go? Play with another kiddo in the household? YES. YES. YES. YES. Something else to consider is (coming out of a pandemic) if the people you are visiting care about vaccines or not. Personally, I do. You may not and that’s fine. But the question you need to ask is if your hosts care and what you can do. Babies have super low immune systems at the beginning. They can get deathly sick from a kiss if you have a cold sore… SO, ask. For example: We care. If you are going to be visiting, I would prefer you be vaccinated with the COVID, flu, and TDAP vaccines. If you are looking to debate me on this- go ahead. I will not be engaging. Are you sick with a bad cold? Reschedule your trip. From my perspective, I have just worked my butt off to keep this baby safe and healthy and that feeling doesn’t go away. With the world opening up again, I do understand that there are still going to be risks and exposures… I don’t need to add to if you are going to be spending multiple days in my home. There is no such thing as full proof… I know. This is just our line of defense in these early and precious days of our newborn.

Whatever you are traveling for and wherever you are traveling to, assess the situation. Everyone is different and has different needs or wants. Do you want to just relax at your friend’s house? Do you want to get out and go leaf peeping (yes, this is a thing)? Be honest with your host so that they can properly prepare for your stay. Notice a cool restaurant you want to try? Mention it! Once there, enjoy seeing whoever it is you are seeing. After two years, we are all ready for a little connection. Also be prepared that people might be a bit changed. Did your BFF usually want to go out and go crazy for a night? Maybe they aren’t ready yet. Don’t pressure them. You can still have a wild night in. Are you all ready to get out and go DO stuff? So are others! See if you need reservations anywhere… for dinner, bikes… a camp spot, etc.

Stay safe and have fun!


Shari’s Thoughts On Energy Vampires

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Shari’s Thoughts On Energy Vampires

As a natural optimist, I understand that not everyone is on my level of positivity. That said, there are definitely people out there that (quite literally) suck the joy out of the air. I am sure you know someone that leaves you feeling stressed out, depleted, and guilty. They come in various forms but most commonly as the victim, the over-exaggerator, and the guilt-tripper! I will share with you some basic ways I have identified these types of people in my life and what have I done to protect myself from getting my energy zapped out from underneath me.

**Let’s get this out of the way: I am not an expert but I have had my fair share of friends/acquaintances in these categories.**

Here are some identifying traits of these energy vampires:

The victim is typically a person that always has a sob-story and nothing is ever their fault. They blame others and often make it seem like the world is against them. A key feeling to watch out for is your physical reaction around these people. Are you uncomfortable? Do you wish you could just tell them to take ownership and move forward? If that is the case then you are probably dealing with someone who is draining your energy by playing the victim. 

The over-exaggerator can take any situation and blow it out of proportion. Even a simple trip to the grocery store can seem like a scene from a movie. Their emotions are usually extremely  good or horribly bad with a story to accompany the feelings. Their need to be the center of attention goes from charming to narcissistic quickly and simply being around them is draining. Watch out for that feeling of dread when they enter a room. Acknowledge how you feel when they talk AT you, rather than TO you. Simply notice if you feel like you don’t matter when they are around. 

The guilt-tripper is a more subtle energy vampire because they can hold a normal conversation but tend to veer off-topic and start blaming others at some point. Or my favorite example of a guilt-tripper is when you mention how great it is to see them, they quickly remind you that you know where they live and have their phone number, as if that doesn’t obviously go both ways. This type of person is harder for me to identify until I have left the conversation feeling (you guessed it) guilty. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for their blame. A key skill to build is remaining neutral and not accepting their accusations, no matter how innocent they may seem. Often the best and most inconspicuous guilt-trippers are family.

Now that we have identified several energy vampire traits, let’s discuss some ways to combat them. Like I mentioned before, pay attention to your physical reaction to other people, your body is an impressive indicator and will react subconsciously. Trust yourself, listen to red flags, and don’t down-play your intuition. The feeling of dread when someone walks in the room, is NOT a normal feeling. Stop and ask yourself “why do I feel this way” and pay attention to the interaction you have with that person and notice how they are being an energy vampire.

Next, I recommend you protect yourself; commonly known as setting boundaries or simply telling someone “this is what I can do for you, and this is what I can’t.” When you set boundaries it is easy for the other person to become defensive or feel attacked by you drawing a clear line in the sand. Do not engage. Stay neutral, stay focused, and make the decision to NOT react. It isn’t your job to explain why your boundary feels right for you, it is only your responsibility to make the boundary and for them to respect it.

My last suggestion for how to combat energy vampires is to be aware enough to notice who those people are in your life and take a conscious step back from them. Think about the type of people you want around you, hey, even think about yourself and what traits you may possess that could attract those people? Are you empathetic and people come to you with sob stories because you make them feel better… stop being their garbage can that they are allowed to dump their emotional trash in. Or think of the law of attraction… if you are an angry person, you may attract angry people into your circle. A little self-awareness work goes a long way and you’d be amazed to see how the people around you change too.

Regardless of the type of energy vampire you are dealing with, you are capable of walking away, addressing the issue, and/or setting boundaries. If you have any questions or want to discuss this topic further, feel free to leave a comment below.

Kendall On Friendships

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Kendall On Friendships

When we talk about the pillars that give our lives meaning, we often say that friendship is one of those essential pillars. Friendships- specifically, good friendships- can bring A LOT of joy to your life. For me, I have found that friendships are an essential part of my mental health… in both good and bad ways. In my 33 years, I have learned a lot about not only friendships, but about how to try and be a good friend. Trust me when I say that those things are also always evolving and changing as my life changes and I grow up. 

The truth is- I am generally terrible at picking friends. I tend to give a lot of trust and stock to people who really aren’t good friends to me. With that said, I need to tell you that this does not mean that these people are terrible people/friends in any way. You aren’t meant to jive with everyone on the planet and that’s totally ok. As they say, there is a top for every pot and this adage definitely applies to friendships. Now that that’s out of the way, I also need to say that I have some genuinely GOOD friends. Friends who I trust with my heart in all it’s great and not so great moments (and trust me there is a healthy balance of both) are limited in number. Some of my truest friends are the ones that aren’t in my life every day (actually probably most of my friends since I live in the random yet lovely state of Vermont). Despite the distance, knowing you can call someone and jump right into a conversation that is both easy, thoughtful, and fun isn’t something you find with everyone. The truth is, friendship does take a little bit of work. And that level of work is up to you and that friend. Finding a rhythm is important to establishing and maintaining that friendship. 

What I have discovered is important to me in friendships are the following:

  1. Expectation Management: I don’t like to be let down and I loathe letting people down. Being realistic about what I need from friends has helped me to make better friendship choices in recent years.
  2. Authenticity: When you can pee on the phone with a friend- you know that’s the real deal. And even if I don’t have to pee, knowing that I can is what makes someone real special in my heart. And if you don’t understand that- that’s totally cool. You just are not a top to my pot.
  3. Frequency: I do not need to talk to my friends every day. I mean, it’s not that I wouldn’t, it’s more a matter of life. Expecting someone (this goes back to expectation management) to check in often can be a lot. My friends have really full lives outside of me and by all means, they gotta live them. Checking in when we can and making goals to get on the phone are truly good enough. 
  4. My Hard Limit: Any friend that makes me question my every feeling, word, or action is not the friend for me. I do not need a friend to be my parent. So condescension is a big no no for me. Inconsistency in behavior? I don’t have time for that crap. I am personally just not mature enough to handle drama. I had drama a-plenty in my younger years… and that’s where it stays. 

Full disclosure: I AM NOT A PERFECT FRIEND. I can be quick to judge, overly loyal (which sounds good but actually isn’t), easily distracted, and, yes, at times inconsistent- and not because I intend to be that way but sometimes trying to balance the pressures of family can make me a little, well, forgetful. I am working on it. I look back on some past behaviors, and trust me, I cringe. I get a pit in my stomach. WHAT was I thinking? WHY would I act that way? Ugh. But, I have grown up and changed and I want to be a good friend to those around me. 

Living far away from our families the past five years has taught us that honestly, friends- if the situation is right, can be your family. Friendship is a truly beautiful and fragile thing. Knowing who you can trust with the most silly, ugly, and beautiful parts of yourself isn’t exactly easy. As someone who used to give myself to friends too easily and thus face disappointment, sometimes betrayal, and unnecessary drama, I don’t take those that I call “friend” lightly anymore. They are an essential part of my life and quite truthfully, help shape and make me better. And Lord knows, I have definitely matured in recent years. I would be lost without some of you- and you know who you are. So thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for just being YOU. I know some of us haven’t always had an easy path… but that’s ok. It’s still good to know that we made it to this point. 

To those I have hurt (and yes, I know there are some), I am sorry. Really.

To those that have hurt me (and yes, I am assuming you know who you are), I forgive you. For reals. 

To those that I love- I love you. More than you probably know. 

And that’s all, friends.

Kendall On Her Courthouse Wedding

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Kendall On Her Courthouse Wedding

I am a girl who loves her wedding TV shows. David Tutera? LOVE. Saying yes to THE dress? Love the moment.

When it came to my wedding though, I knew I didn’t want any of that. It simply just wasn’t important to me or Israel. Also, our situation dictated that a quick, no fuss ceremony was needed- on many levels. Let me explain…

To clarify, I was not pregnant. I can see why many people jumped to that conclusion and assumed that that MUST be the reason why a girl would forsake her “special” day. What I was dealing with was a time crunch. Issy was due to PCS to Spain on May 2nd… and we decided to get married on Saturday, April 2nd. Our original plan had me going to Spain unmarried and upon further investigation, we realized that wasn’t logistically responsible. Since we knew we were going to get married anyways, we decided there wasn’t any reason to wait. And I am glad we didn’t. 

*Special shout out to Al C…. thank for the real talk regarding marriage and PCS life. You definitely helped us make a better decision and it’s one that we have never regretted. 

So, the time crunch became the guiding force on our road to matrimony. We made the decision to get married in Seattle after our return from the vacation we were currently on in Texas. I left a few days early to return to Seattle and figure out the HOW we were going to get married. I had to consider all the documents I would need to file and how to get the certificate the quickest to ensure that we could get me all squared away on the military side of things while I still had Issy to help me… I was super intimidated to walk into the DEERS office on Fort Lewis since I did not, and to this day do not, speak the befuddling language of the military. Time was of the essence. 

At the heart of it, I also really didn’t want a big wedding. Really, I didn’t want a wedding at all. This was very hard for some of my friends and family to understand. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t care about the details. I didn’t care about the dress, the food, the wedding party, etc. It simply was not important to me. Committing to a man that made me happy, who loved me, and who I loved was really ALL I cared about. I didn’t need the typical wedding to make me happy or validate my decision. It is also important to state that I was also terrified that a wedding would become about my mother. My mother had passed away about a 15/16 months before and it was still very raw for ALL of us. My fear was that the day would become sad. People would cry that she wasn’t there. As her daughter, I cried regularly about that and as selfish as it may be, I didn’t want “my day” to become about that. I wanted to savor the moment of commitment to my husband without everyone else “wishing my mom could be here.” Or saying, “Ah Kendall, can you feel your mom?” I get that that brings solace to others, but those kinds of things don’t bring me any. More on that in a moment…

I figured out the details and was able to find a judge at the King County Courthouse that could marry us on the date we wanted. He gave us great instructions on what we needed to do and how to do it. While I was working out these details, Issy was in Texas telling his immediate family and close friends about our upcoming decision to get married at the courthouse. Like me, he had some people who thought we were crazy and others who thought we were brilliant for skipping the wedding. It was April and we had started dating in September… this sh&* was happening quick. All of these things were really good questions and concerns. Through all of the voices before and after our ceremony, Issy and I never wavered on our decision to do this our way. Issy and I both had dated A LOT. We had both been around the block and back a few times. When we met and connected, we quickly knew that we were it for each other. Our multitude of experiences made us very certain that we were doing the right thing. 

Flash forward a few weeks, Issy had returned to Seattle with his dad in tow to help us with a few things. It was nice that our dads got to meet and hang out a bit. Having parents and family that live in different states makes the whole family bonding thing super difficult. Issy asked my dad for permission to marry me and it was done. My dad was so great about it. He was thrilled we were getting married and he was confident in our choice. When our dads found out I had already set a date and talked to a judge, they jumped on the support bandwagon. Things were all falling into place. 

We got married on Thursday, April 21st, 2016 at 5 pm… I think? Maybe 5:30? I can’t even remember. I went to work that morning with lots of butterflies in my stomach. That afternoon I checked in to “Inn At The Market” in Pike Place Market and put on my dress that I had picked for the occasion (shout out to Lorie who met me on whim to help me make the final decision- having you there was special for me). Then I took an Uber to the courthouse to meet Issy, my dad, and Jenny and Jeff (our other witnesses). As I checked into the courthouse I was surprised at how many other couples were there getting married. When Issy walked off the elevator with a bouquet of flowers for me, I knew that everything was perfect. Our ceremony was quick and efficient. Thanks to my dad, Jeff, and Jenny, we have some great pictures to remember the day by. And just like that- we were married. We went out for a really nice dinner right after and were in bed by 11. The next day, I went to work for a few hours and then grabbed my certificate to start the process for a new driver’s license and social security card. Needless to say, Friday April 22nd was efficient. 

Over the next few days we shared the news with more of our friends and family. Most were super supportive and happy that we had done what was best for us. Heck, most were happy that WE were happy. Then there were the few who weren’t so pleased or supportive. Someone had the nerve to ask me, “Is that really what your mom would have wanted?” Right there- that’s one reason why I didn’t do the whole big ceremony thing. The whole day would have been about that. And to answer that question (as I did then) my mom thought the drive-thru chapel in Las Vegas was the ideal wedding. That’s the gospel truth. So going to the courthouse was sort of a step up from that… Of course, I wish my mom could have been there. I missed her so much and still miss her every damn day. I don’t feel like I would have disappointed her- which was the implication. In fact, I feel like I honored her. My mom was a huge proponent of doing things that were best for yourself and being confident in your choices. I did those things. I did them with certainty and I would do it all over again.

I know people who have spent some serious money on their wedding and LOVED their day. I know people who spent some serious money on their wedding day and regretted it. I have known some people were getting married and complained about not having the budget to do things the way they really wanted. I know those who have had smaller weddings and those who have done destination weddings. And I have been in A LOT of weddings. Ultimately, you have to do what you and your partner want to do. You have to live with all the choices and be happy with them. Just because I had a courthouse wedding doesn’t mean I think bigger ceremonies are stupid! I personally just didn’t want one. We didn’t want to spend the money on one- even though my dad would have paid for it in a second. But I didn’t want to ask him. And Issy and I wanted to put our money towards building our life together. The courthouse was convenient, simple, and was 100% about Issy and I. It was perfect for who we are as a couple.

I often get asked if I regret not having a dress to pass on to my daughter. No. That’s just not a thing for me. If Rosemary decides to get married and have a massive wedding, we support her! She can create her own traditions and embrace her own vision. Who knows? Maybe she will go to the courthouse? Honestly, I have no opinion on the matter. She has to make her own decisions and be happy with them. I don’t want her to do one thing or another just to try and make us happy… life is too short for that kind of stuff. 

Embrace falling in love the way you want to fall in love and if you choose to get married, embrace that too and find your own way! Everyone will always have an opinion based on their experiences and that’s ok! Take it all in. Listen to it. Then do what is best for your partnership. 

And to people who have said I didn’t have a “real” wedding… shut up.