As I prepare for one of my closest friends to visit this week, I have been reflecting on the idea of friendship. Truth be told, friendships are one of my biggest sources of anxiety. In my teenage years, friendships were always dramatic and hurtful. People who were supposed to be my friends, really hurt me. I was already a dramatic young woman and those experiences just took me up a notch. I could cringe at so many memories of myself from that time. All around, it was just a disaster of a time; as is normal for a lot of teenagers. The trauma of that has sort of stuck with me even though I learned a lot from it.
Over the years as I have grown up, matured, and changed, I have gone through phases of what it means to be a friend. I tend to be overly loyal. What I mean by this is that if you are in my life, you are IN it. This can sometimes be toxic to myself. It adds pressure and expectations that I don’t necessarily have the mental capacity to handle. I have to actively work to not take people so seriously in terms of what they are willing to give me as a friend. This is where boundaries have started coming up.
While friends are important, nothing and no one is as important as my family. If a party or coffee date conflicts with something regarding my family, I am not really in. If someone has a problem that my life revolves around two kids under 5, I don’t really hang out with them. AND that is ok. It doesn’t make us bad friends or people. What it means is that in this season of life is about the priority of bed times, snuggles, building forts, making lunches and snacks upon snacks. In time, that will change and as such, how I friend will change. One thing that all of my experiences of friendship has taught me is that you will not always get along/ see eye to eye with a friend and that because of that it doesn’t make your friendship less meaningful. Part of my friendship trauma that took a long time to understand is my insecurity. Am I good enough? Creative enough? Understanding enough? Giving enough? Funny enough? Cool enough? Protective enough? Trying to answer all those things can actually make you a worse friend; at least it has for me. The truth is this: who gives a f*@k. I am never going to everything someone needs just as someone is never going to everything I need. In my journey of always trying to please people, I ended up really hating myself. It took me YEARS to recover from those feelings that swirled around me. It made me a bit of a toxic person and bit more of a toxic friend. I was never a “bad” friend but I wasn’t really myself sometimes. The self discovery journey really is a bitch sometimes.
What I look for in a friend now is super simple. Do you see my heart and accept the craziness of it? Do you understand my current priorities but still see ME as a woman underneath it all? Do I do those things for you? To keep it simple, there is no middle ground. The answers are either “yes” or “no.” Take people as they are and believe who they tell you they are. Friendships should RARELY be complicated or painful. Meet people where they are and be okay with having that expectation in return.
In the past year since my son was born, I have really changed the way I see myself as a friend. I am not sure why but his birth made me more accepting, loving, and simple. Simple can have a bad connotation but in this instance, I mean it as a good thing. I keep things simple. If I start to overcomplicate friendships, I get an anxiety attack. So keeping things simple is really important. Keeping simple expectations of myself AND of people has made me a happier person.
With that said, I can’t wait for Kate to show up tomorrow. Kate is someone who has seen me through A LOT and still likes me. To be fair, we have seen each other through so many phases of our adult lives and I am beyond grateful to have her in my life. She is a blessing to not only my life but the life of my family. A good friend is very precious- treasure them!
The Salty Exchange 