Tag: Friendships

Kendall On Friendships

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Kendall On Friendships

When we talk about the pillars that give our lives meaning, we often say that friendship is one of those essential pillars. Friendships- specifically, good friendships- can bring A LOT of joy to your life. For me, I have found that friendships are an essential part of my mental health… in both good and bad ways. In my 33 years, I have learned a lot about not only friendships, but about how to try and be a good friend. Trust me when I say that those things are also always evolving and changing as my life changes and I grow up. 

The truth is- I am generally terrible at picking friends. I tend to give a lot of trust and stock to people who really aren’t good friends to me. With that said, I need to tell you that this does not mean that these people are terrible people/friends in any way. You aren’t meant to jive with everyone on the planet and that’s totally ok. As they say, there is a top for every pot and this adage definitely applies to friendships. Now that that’s out of the way, I also need to say that I have some genuinely GOOD friends. Friends who I trust with my heart in all it’s great and not so great moments (and trust me there is a healthy balance of both) are limited in number. Some of my truest friends are the ones that aren’t in my life every day (actually probably most of my friends since I live in the random yet lovely state of Vermont). Despite the distance, knowing you can call someone and jump right into a conversation that is both easy, thoughtful, and fun isn’t something you find with everyone. The truth is, friendship does take a little bit of work. And that level of work is up to you and that friend. Finding a rhythm is important to establishing and maintaining that friendship. 

What I have discovered is important to me in friendships are the following:

  1. Expectation Management: I don’t like to be let down and I loathe letting people down. Being realistic about what I need from friends has helped me to make better friendship choices in recent years.
  2. Authenticity: When you can pee on the phone with a friend- you know that’s the real deal. And even if I don’t have to pee, knowing that I can is what makes someone real special in my heart. And if you don’t understand that- that’s totally cool. You just are not a top to my pot.
  3. Frequency: I do not need to talk to my friends every day. I mean, it’s not that I wouldn’t, it’s more a matter of life. Expecting someone (this goes back to expectation management) to check in often can be a lot. My friends have really full lives outside of me and by all means, they gotta live them. Checking in when we can and making goals to get on the phone are truly good enough. 
  4. My Hard Limit: Any friend that makes me question my every feeling, word, or action is not the friend for me. I do not need a friend to be my parent. So condescension is a big no no for me. Inconsistency in behavior? I don’t have time for that crap. I am personally just not mature enough to handle drama. I had drama a-plenty in my younger years… and that’s where it stays. 

Full disclosure: I AM NOT A PERFECT FRIEND. I can be quick to judge, overly loyal (which sounds good but actually isn’t), easily distracted, and, yes, at times inconsistent- and not because I intend to be that way but sometimes trying to balance the pressures of family can make me a little, well, forgetful. I am working on it. I look back on some past behaviors, and trust me, I cringe. I get a pit in my stomach. WHAT was I thinking? WHY would I act that way? Ugh. But, I have grown up and changed and I want to be a good friend to those around me. 

Living far away from our families the past five years has taught us that honestly, friends- if the situation is right, can be your family. Friendship is a truly beautiful and fragile thing. Knowing who you can trust with the most silly, ugly, and beautiful parts of yourself isn’t exactly easy. As someone who used to give myself to friends too easily and thus face disappointment, sometimes betrayal, and unnecessary drama, I don’t take those that I call “friend” lightly anymore. They are an essential part of my life and quite truthfully, help shape and make me better. And Lord knows, I have definitely matured in recent years. I would be lost without some of you- and you know who you are. So thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for just being YOU. I know some of us haven’t always had an easy path… but that’s ok. It’s still good to know that we made it to this point. 

To those I have hurt (and yes, I know there are some), I am sorry. Really.

To those that have hurt me (and yes, I am assuming you know who you are), I forgive you. For reals. 

To those that I love- I love you. More than you probably know. 

And that’s all, friends.

Shari On Adult Friendships (Especially In The Time Of COVID)

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Shari On Adult Friendships (Especially In The Time Of COVID)

Recently I saw a post on Instagram that said “Normalize Friendships Ending.” I thought about this for a while because it didn’t sit well with me and I quickly realized why. I don’t think there is anything normal about close friendships ending… however, it is normal for distant friendships to end. Let’s discuss. I am going to start by labeling friendships (from my perspective) into three categories:

Best Friends are friends who you would literally do anything for despite how inconvenient it would be for yourself. This friendship takes the same amount of time, energy, and effort from both parties. 

Forever Friends are current and past friendships that naturally pick up where you left off whenever you see each other. These friendships can only be maintained if the expectation to “keep in touch” is low and the friendship is genuine.

Acquaintance Friends, these friendships are the proximity based friendships, quick, and typically based around a club, group or activity. Often acquaintance friendships make you feel like the person is closer to you than they really are but once the activity or group ends, inevitably so does your “friendship”.  

Those are the three categories that I think of when it comes to friendships. I have very few people in the best friend category, although I am sure the line between any of these friendships can get blurred when you spend a lot of time around the person and start to consider them one of your besties. 

*Notice I have not talked about family in these friendships, family is its own separate conversation. This discussion is purely about friendships.

People used to tell me I had so many friends because I hung out with so many people at networking functions; I would correct them and say, “Sure, I have a lot of acquaintances.” I corrected them because I realized sometime in my mid-twenties after the height of high school, college, and workplace friendships that people really do come and go from your life. As a recovering people pleaser, I was someone who desperately wanted to maintain every friendship relationship I encountered. I quickly learned that was impossible. Friendships were manageable to maintain in high school, less manageable in college, and just purely insane in the working and networking world. My circles grew and my ability to try and be the best, most loyal version of myself for everyone wasn’t worth the time, energy, and draining effort it took from me and away from those I deeply cared about. 

Personally, I believe that perspective is everything, including perspective in friendships. It is guaranteed that you do not think the same way about someone as they do about you. I have learned this the hard way in friendships that I thought were more loyal and close than they actually were. This is where I learned the difference between best friends, forever friends, and acquaintances. I think it is important to note that just because you naturally, genuinely, and intuitively care about people does not mean that if a friendship ends (and you are blindsided by it) that it’s a reflection of you at all. It really is a direct reflection on the person that chose to giddy up and leave the friendship. The best thing you can do is respect their choice and accept that you may never know the complete story. People are interesting and friendships can leave just as quickly as they began.

Now, take all that, and enter in COVID- 19! It’s completely normal and a fact that friendships have been altered. Can I get an AMEN?! Those acquaintance friendships have probably all but stopped or have been halted. Those forever friends have probably reached out to check in on you (or vice versa). Then, those that you call best friends you have probably seen by now or they have been in your inner quarantine circle. Let me speak loud enough for those readers in the back: the acquaintance friendships that have stopped or halted during this season is NORMAL! Those people were brought into your life because of an external factor and that is okay. I challenge you to take a good hard look at your friendships and be kind to yourself and others. Do not put unrealistic expectations on anyone, especially not during a global pandemic. Life is not normal right now and neither are our friendships. If you are thinking about someone, text them, call them, let them know you care. Life is too short to create drama where it shouldn’t be. So yes, let’s normalize acquaintance friendships ending without drama and prioritize the friendships in our life worth maintaining. More than ever, we need friends – our best friends and our forever friends.