Earlier this week marked six years since my mom has passed away. She passed away from complications of the flu. It was very sudden, very confusing, and very, very sad. It all started when she needed to be hospitalized because she was having problems breathing. The medical team determined that in order to stabilize her breathing she needed to be put in a medically induced coma so that they could take over and control her breathing functions. Before they put her under, I was able to tell her that I loved her and that I would talk to her soon. Cruelly, only one of those things was true; I never got to talk to her again.
The week that she was hospitalized was chaotic. She was up, she was down, up again, and then down. I tried to continue on as normal as possible because I knew that if I didn’t there would be problems when she woke up; she would most likely have yelled at me for being dramatic, for everyone making a fuss, etc. When the doctor told us that her kidneys were shutting down, I began to understand that this wasn’t going to get better. In addition to that, her oxygen levels had never returned to normal. She still wasn’t able to breathe on her own. There was no miracle drug to give her. There was no miracle prayer to pray. We decided to let her go. She was read her last rites and the machines were turned off. While in her coma her body was rotated (I don’t remember why but I know there was a reason for it) and when the machines were turned off the nurses turned her so that she was face up towards us. They say she was gone before they even finished turning her. That, was that- I say that with the most sad and bitter of tones.
The days following her passing were a blur of getting things done. We managed to plan her funeral for 5 days later. During this time, I held it mostly together in front of everyone. I didn’t really have time to grieve. Over the next several months I managed to grieve in my own way… which I won’t discuss here because that’s a whole other can of tomatoes. It wasn’t until I met my husband about 10 months later that I managed to emotionally stabilize. He helped me find my anchor and let go of/process a lot of the heavy emotions I was harboring.
My mom’s death made me wake up and pay better attention to my health. As you can imagine, living in the time of a pandemic has heightened these feelings. I am a firm believer of being vaccinated, wearing a mask to protect others just as much myself, and taking precautions set in place by my state seriously. For more in depth thoughts on the Coronavirus, please refer to my Dear Karens of Covid-19 post. Anyways, because of what happened to my mom, I am super vigilant when it comes to my health, my husband’s health, and my daughter’s health. I will do whatever is necessary to protect us. I will gladly down some gross tasting immune booster stuff if it means it may help. I will wear my mask in Costco even if I start to get claustrophobic. It was a super sobering event that has carried with me and will always be with me. I think of her every day. And I really, really miss her. I wasn’t ready to lose her, but it seems the universe had some other plan that I really don’t understand or like.
Something else I often reflect on this time of year is the idea of grief. When my mom died I learned that everyone grieves super differently- and this is ok. I may not understand someone’s process but I know it’s normal to have different feelings about death. One of the most important takeaways I have from my mom passing is the notion of taking care of myself not just physically but emotionally as well. Putting me first wasn’t something I really did before that. I put the collective of work, family, friends, etc. before myself. That change was one of the most important of my life. We only get one life- we need to take care of it. There’s always an excuse of being busy or tired that can get in the way of being happy. I see people hiding behind these things instead of taking genuine care of themselves and it’s something I 100% relate to doing. My mom was a huge believer in living life on your own terms, living with the consequences both good and bad of those terms, and not shying away from moments that may challenge your current assumptions about something. And every day, I try to do that not just for her- but for myself and my family. Stay safe out there-
The Salty Exchange 