Tag: Love

Kendall: Reflections on Marriage

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Marrying my husband after six and a half months was the best decision of my entire life.

Before I dive into my marriage though, let me say this: not everyone should get married that quickly. Ok, that’s out of the way…

Issy and I got married at the courthouse and then only days later, moved to a whole new country. Talk about change; we have endured it in spades. Committing to Israel was one of the most sacred and intimate things I have ever done. The commitment that we have made to each other both spiritually and legally is the binding of our book that houses our story. Investing in him changed my life (for the better). It allowed me to grow my own family. Being with my husband has made me more open to change. Last month (April) marked our 7 year anniversary. I have absolutely no 7 year itch. Our love for each other is deeper than it was in 2016. Our life is more beautiful than ever. We know each other better and we prioritize each other and our children over anyone and anything else. Our binding to each other isn’t a prison but is actually the most freeing part of my life.

Not every moment has been cake. We have faced our struggles in so many different areas of our life. We cope with things differently. Issy is the “talk it out” one while I am the “leave me alone to digest” one. We have conflict. We have scary life moments. We have days where it’s hard to communicate because we are just so caught up in everything. But we always come back together because we are each other’s peace. Together, we are stronger. Together, we figure it out. Being his wife makes me happy. It’s not the only role I have but it is one of my most valuable. To love someone in all the good, bad, ugly, raw, and beautiful moments and have them love you the same way in return is humbling.

After 7 years, here’s what I know so far:
1) Court each other. Don’t stop dating and learning about one another.
2) Check your ego at the door. You aren’t the only one that matters. Marriage is humbling so be prepared to question yourself but find an even better version of yourself.
3) Don’t forget sex. It matters. A lot. Intimacy births not only babies but a deeper connection to one another.
4) Don’t be petty. There may be a lot of things that bother you sometimes but if you are going to bring everything up, you only look like you can’t handle sharing your life and like you are out to hurt your partner. Be above it.
5) Respect other couples. Don’t compare yourselves to anyone. That is dangerous to not only your own self but to the foundation of your marriage.
6) Prioritize each other. No one comes before your wife or husband (well, your kids, but you get what I am saying). Don’t allow friends or family to play games with your relationship or try and dictate anything. That’s toxic for all involved.
7) Remember that every phase of your relationship is a season. You will grow, have different responsibilities and trials, and life changes. Go through it all together.

My only regret is that I didn’t meet my husband sooner and that I spent so much time trying to figure the whole love thing out. But I met him when I was supposed to and that gives me so much peace and gratefulness for what I learned before him.

Some people call marriage nothing more than a piece of paper. If you are thinking about it that way, then yeah- you shouldn’t get married and that’s all good. Love and commitment come in different forms. With that said, I also think we are in this weird place where we shame people for getting married and/or we expect them to fail because, well, lots of marriages do. My last piece of advice is this– if you love someone, take a chance. But do it because you love that person- not because you love the idea of that person or what life could be like. Those things are important but mean nothing if you don’t fully love the person. If you are too scared, you are leaving the door open for either of you to walk away from each other. Marriage can be challenging enough- don’t make it harder.

Photo by George Dolgikh on Pexels.com

Shari’s Initial Thoughts on Pregnancy

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This week we did something big, we finally publicly announced our pregnancy. Most of our family and friends already knew and it wasn’t some huge secret but I didn’t want to post anything on social media (or The Salty Exchange) until after we got to see our little girl on the 20 week anatomy ultrasound. This ultrasound was the first time we got to see our baby since the 6 week ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy. Why is it that women aren’t able to have ultrasounds once a month at their OB appointments, huh? There are quite a few issues I have surrounding medical care in regards to pregnancy but I will save that for another blog post and I am sure Kendall will gladly chime in, ha!

My first trimester (like most women) involved several weeks of nausea. The best way I could describe it was 24/7 flu but without throwing up, just nauseous and achy… ALL THE DAMN TIME! After 2 weeks of that I called my doctor to request some pregnancy safe anti-nausea medicine because I was starting to feel depressed by how awful I felt. The only words of comfort to me at the time were, “In most cases, sickness is directly correlated to good fetal health,” or, “Just take the anti-nausea medicine, if someone judges you they have their own issues.” Luckily this part only lasted four weeks for me (weeks 6 – 11 of pregnancy) which happened to be during Thanksgiving time. By Christmas I was almost in my second trimester and already feeling better. The aversions to certain foods persisted into my second trimester but not nearly as nauseous inducing as they had been. My poor husband couldn’t eat ANY meat around me, which was hard for him because he is still eating pretty clean and that includes a lot of meat and veggies.

Along those lines, I now understand why women eat fairly terribly during pregnancy and it is honestly because NOTHING sounds or looks or smells good. I had these lofty dreams of eating salads and smoothies and making nutritious meals but when my nausea hit, I could barely make toast, let alone think of something nutritious that didn’t make me queasy. All that to say, I am glad that part of pregnancy is behind me although some women say some nausea comes back in the third trimester, I am hoping that isn’t the case for me. Another thing I’ve realized is that pregnancy is so incredibly different from person to person. My experience could be relatable to some and not to others. Some women brag about their easy pregnancies and what they credit their lack of symptoms to but that isn’t fair because not everyone will have the same experience and every experience is valid. Kendall told me multiple times when I was in the thick of my nausea, she told me to remember this part of pregnancy because too often women forget how hard and awful those moments are because they don’t last forever. I think that was some of the best advice because I can now empathize with other women in their first trimester who are dealing with the sickness that can accompany major body changes and fetal development. It’s no joke and it was helpful for me to know that I wasn’t in it alone and that other women understood my discomfort.

Now I transition into the latter part of my pregnancy journey. The end of the second trimester and onto the third which will be followed by (drum roll please) the birth of our baby girl. I am trying to stay open and positive about birth but I am not going to lie, that part of the process is intimidating too. I keep reminding myself that women are created for this. This week, seeing baby in the ultrasound reminded me that we are made to create, grow, and give life. Women are amazing. I am amazing. My body is doing something I can’t even fathom, honestly. Baby had her little hands in her face during the ultrasound, opening and closing her mouth… I could envision her doing that outside the womb with cute coo’s and baby squeaks to accompany those precious movements. I cannot wait to meet her, hold her and watch her grow, but I am also stopping in this moment to enjoy the process happening inside me; so intricate, so beautiful, and so primal. Pregnancy is wild. What an adventure!

Baby Girl – 20 weeks

Kendall and Issy’s Love Letter to Their Daughter

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Dearest Valentine,

You are exceptional. Whether we are snuggling or playing with your kitchen set, you always have time for a kiss. You share your food without complaint. No one gives hugs quite like you. Your eagerness to learn everything is inspirational.

This Valentine’s Day we want you to know that you hold our hearts. You’ve seen us be great parents… and you have seen us fail as we scramble to keep up with your toddler heart. You, dear one, have shown us what it means to love fully and unconditionally. We knew love before you but we didn’t really understand how deep love could go. It is a whole other level of being that we were never aware existed. You are incredibly fearless, smart, and beautiful. We want to give you everything we can. So, on this day of love and every day, please know that you inspire us to be better, driven, and loving. You are our hearts walking around outside of our bodies. We know you don’t understand that, but trust mama and daddy when we say, that’s the ultimate power. 

Keep dancing, singing, coloring, running, creating, and being you. You are the perfect Valentine. We love you oh so much. We love you to and through the delta quadrant and back. A million times. 

Love,

Mama and Daddy

Kendall’s Reflections on Losing Her Mom (7 Years Later)

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Kendall’s Reflections on Losing Her Mom (7 Years Later)

December is one of my most favorite months of the year. I LOVE the holiday season. It has also become one of the most challenging months for me. As many of you know, my mother passed away a while ago. December 7th marks seven years since her passing. Every year I feel something different. Sometimes there is a peace I experience with her being gone. Some years I feel angry. This year, I feel… alone. 

My mom did not believe in being a best friend to her daughters. She believed in making us tough. She wanted us to chase after everything and anything we wanted and she never wanted us to settle. Rosemary Barnett was not perfect. But she was my mom- and that’s perfect for me. I was sometimes scared to tell her things because I was worried about letting her down. Her expectations for us were pretty gosh darn high. Looking back, I am glad for it. She made me have a backbone. She encouraged me to live my life on my terms- even when other people might not like it. Mom used to say that if you change your mind just because someone else has a problem or issue with what you are saying or doing, how you can be certain of what you stand for or what it is you truly want. And she would say it all in that tone. You know what I am talking about, right? The tone that intimidates and comforts us all at once. It’s the tone of mothers.

When you experience the loss of a loved one, the emotions are all over the place. Everyone experiences grief differently. At the time of her passing, I wasn’t really able to grieve. I had to hold it together. Everyone (not just me) had lost someone; a wife, a daughter, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a coworker, etc. My grief was also slower to appear. The realization of her not being here has hit me hard. It hit me hard when I married my husband. It hits me hard when I realize she will never meet her grandchildren. It’s almost unbearable to think too much about. She spent so much time shopping for the babies of her friends and family. She loved it. Like, LOVED it. She was an excellent gift giver (something I have not inherited). Grammy Rosemary will never get to shop for her grandbabies. That thought is a true kick in my gut.

Since having baby Rosemary, I have missed having a consistent and maternal woman in my life. The truth is, no one can take her place. Honestly I am not sure I would let anyone try. I miss her no nonsense attitude telling me to toughen up. I miss her tickling me with her toes. I miss the way she would give Bella the last of her yogurt (I can assure you Bella misses this too and to this day still goes ape sh*$ when she sees us eating yogurt- thanks for that, mom). I miss having someone to ask questions too or recall things about life when we were little. She had a knack for remembering everything. This was very helpful unless she was pulling something out of the mental filing cabinet against me!! Haha. 

I am not much like my mom. I look like her. I sound like her. But I am nowhere near as strong as she was. I am nowhere near as even tempered with people as she was. Her kindness was known to everybody from her coworkers and family to the grocery store checkout clerk at the local Safeway. Having to tell people that she had passed is also what kept me pretty hardened with my grief. A few days after she had passed, she missed an eye appointment. She had seen Dr. Peck for years. He knew her and his staff knew her. Having to call and explain this to the receptionist turned into one of the hardest moments of my life. Telling my family we had let her go was excruciating. Telling her best friend, Joan, was so painful my throat hurt from holding back tears. Yet, telling Dr. Peck’s receptionist became one of the hardest moments for me when this poor woman broke down into tears… this is a woman that, sure, knew my mom but didn’t even know her as well as others. That’s when I knew my mom left an impression. 

As I have grown our family, I have missed her. The truth is, it’s lonely not to have your mom to talk to. In the past year, that’s the grief emotion I have felt most: lonely. I am lonesome without my mom. I could really use her right now. I also really want to care for her. I wish I could give her all the grandbaby snuggles and kisses. I wish I could cook for her. I wish I could do something for her- the way she did everything for me. 

The last feeling I want to talk about with grief is shame. Sometimes, I feel shame. I feel a little bit of shame in that it took us so long to really connect. It’s not all my fault, but I do feel bad and naive for thinking that we had all the time in the world. I also feel deep shame in wondering if I made her proud. How vain is that? Yet, it’s what I want to know most and will never get an answer to. There was a lot left unfinished for not just us but for her. She was on the cusp of doing so many things- she had plans! And I feel shame that I couldn’t help her do those things or live out those things more when she was alive. Again, thinking you have all the time in the world is normal but not always true. 

To honor my mom best, I try my hardest to make Christmas a jolly time for my family. While I don’t have the talent for gift giving (or wrapping for that matter) that she did, I do know how to make the spirit of the season burst from the seams of my house just like she did. I am different from her. But I am who I am because of her. For that, I am thankful.

Shari: Dear Dad

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Shari: Dear Dad

Dear Dad, 

When I think of you there are so many memories that come to mind. I remember how I felt as a child when you would come home. I could hardly wait for you to walk through the door… like a little puppy I wanted to be the first to greet you and tell you how much I missed you. My heart still swells when I see you and hug you. You have such a special place in my life.

Like most kids, I am sure my teenage years were tough but you took it in stride, coaching my rec-league soccer team, attending every sporting event, and every orchestra concert (both at school and at home)! You were always there and always consistent; a strong support in my life that I didn’t take for granted. I appreciated seeing you in the crowd and knowing that you would cheer me on- win or lose. I knew that regardless of what happened we would go home and eat dinner around the table and laugh about something that happened that day. You, dad, were always a highlight to my day.

When I was born mom said you cried tears of joy because you KNEW I was going to be a girl. You picked out my name because you wanted it to be special. You named me after all your sisters. I know how much you wanted a girl and how deeply loved I was before I even took my first breath. As your only daughter and the baby of the family, I know I mean the world to you. Thank you for making sure I always knew and felt your love. I still remember hearing you brag to other parents, “Yeah the blonde one, Shari, she is my daughter” and the pride that would shine across your face. I hope I always make you feel that way. 

Thank you for teaching me how to agate hunt and enjoy kayaking out on the bay. Thank you for the copious amounts of dahlia bouquets in the summer (you have the greenest thumb). Thank you for always having the newest and nicest camera and insisting on taking photos. I love that we have a lifetime of documented memories. I’m so happy that you are enjoying your retirement with mom. You deserve it after all those years of hard work. I can’t wait to plan our next family vacation and make more memories together. I love you and am so honored to have you as my dad. 

Your daughter, 

Shari Koralyn

Shari: Galentine’s Day

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Can I get a show of wine glasses from all the ladies who celebrate GALENTINE’S DAY?!

What is Galentine’s Day? Great question… Galentine’s Day is celebrated the day before Valentine’s Day (February 13th) and is a day to honor the female friendships in your life by celebrating together, thus declaring your love and affection to the girls that make up your support system (thanks for the description, Google!). Galentine’s Day was invented by Parks and Recreation’s fictional character Leslie Knope, who says in an episode, “Every February 13, my lady friends and I leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home and we just come and kick it, breakfast style”. In the show Leslie gathers up her closest friends and they have waffles and spend time brunching together- “Ladies celebrating ladies.” 

This concept was founded nearly 11 years ago in 2010, which was when I was in my mid-early twenties. I loved celebrating nearly ANY occasion with my girlfriends. I still love celebrating any and everything with my friends. There was always something special about Galentine’s Day that lightened the mood and the stressfulness that can be brought up around the Valentine’s Day societal pressures (especially when you are still early on in dating, oof). The most memorable Galentine’s was a happy hour that my friend and I hosted. We made our favorite appetizers and dessert (ahem, chocolate covered strawberries over cake any day) and we invited a few gals over. It was simple, it was fun, and we *clinked* our glasses to another year of friendship! 

I realize that Galentine’s Day won’t necessarily look the same this year (thanks, but no thanks COVID) but I still encourage you to find the best Galentine’s Day gif (or meme) you can on the 13th and send it to your ladies, your support system. Now more than ever it is a year to celebrate friendships- even virtually. Although many feel isolated, it is comforting to know that you really are not alone and your friends are only a message, phone call or socially distant walk away. 

In honor of Galentine’s Day, I want to say a special shout out to my Salty Exchange partner, Kendall. Although I wish we could celebrate by having brunch with our favorite college girlfriends sipping on espresso from Adagio and eating baked goods from the Mount Bakery… I want you to know how special I consider the ability to connect with you each week. How lucky am I to have such a fiercely loyal and dependable friend in my corner. When you were in Spain, I thought about you all the time, my only regret was not texting you more to let you know. But making up for lost time, I am glad we reconnected last year – by far the best thing to come out of 2020 was our rekindled friendship and the creation of this blog. Even if it’s only ever a collection of our thoughts, musings, and current reality…it is something special we share and a commitment that I wouldn’t be able to do with just anyone. Thank you Kendall for editing my blogs, making time for weekly FaceTime dates, and for being my Galentine! *Clink* to you, to us! 

Happy (early) Galentine’s Day! 

Shari

Kendall On Her Courthouse Wedding

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Kendall On Her Courthouse Wedding

I am a girl who loves her wedding TV shows. David Tutera? LOVE. Saying yes to THE dress? Love the moment.

When it came to my wedding though, I knew I didn’t want any of that. It simply just wasn’t important to me or Israel. Also, our situation dictated that a quick, no fuss ceremony was needed- on many levels. Let me explain…

To clarify, I was not pregnant. I can see why many people jumped to that conclusion and assumed that that MUST be the reason why a girl would forsake her “special” day. What I was dealing with was a time crunch. Issy was due to PCS to Spain on May 2nd… and we decided to get married on Saturday, April 2nd. Our original plan had me going to Spain unmarried and upon further investigation, we realized that wasn’t logistically responsible. Since we knew we were going to get married anyways, we decided there wasn’t any reason to wait. And I am glad we didn’t. 

*Special shout out to Al C…. thank for the real talk regarding marriage and PCS life. You definitely helped us make a better decision and it’s one that we have never regretted. 

So, the time crunch became the guiding force on our road to matrimony. We made the decision to get married in Seattle after our return from the vacation we were currently on in Texas. I left a few days early to return to Seattle and figure out the HOW we were going to get married. I had to consider all the documents I would need to file and how to get the certificate the quickest to ensure that we could get me all squared away on the military side of things while I still had Issy to help me… I was super intimidated to walk into the DEERS office on Fort Lewis since I did not, and to this day do not, speak the befuddling language of the military. Time was of the essence. 

At the heart of it, I also really didn’t want a big wedding. Really, I didn’t want a wedding at all. This was very hard for some of my friends and family to understand. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t care about the details. I didn’t care about the dress, the food, the wedding party, etc. It simply was not important to me. Committing to a man that made me happy, who loved me, and who I loved was really ALL I cared about. I didn’t need the typical wedding to make me happy or validate my decision. It is also important to state that I was also terrified that a wedding would become about my mother. My mother had passed away about a 15/16 months before and it was still very raw for ALL of us. My fear was that the day would become sad. People would cry that she wasn’t there. As her daughter, I cried regularly about that and as selfish as it may be, I didn’t want “my day” to become about that. I wanted to savor the moment of commitment to my husband without everyone else “wishing my mom could be here.” Or saying, “Ah Kendall, can you feel your mom?” I get that that brings solace to others, but those kinds of things don’t bring me any. More on that in a moment…

I figured out the details and was able to find a judge at the King County Courthouse that could marry us on the date we wanted. He gave us great instructions on what we needed to do and how to do it. While I was working out these details, Issy was in Texas telling his immediate family and close friends about our upcoming decision to get married at the courthouse. Like me, he had some people who thought we were crazy and others who thought we were brilliant for skipping the wedding. It was April and we had started dating in September… this sh&* was happening quick. All of these things were really good questions and concerns. Through all of the voices before and after our ceremony, Issy and I never wavered on our decision to do this our way. Issy and I both had dated A LOT. We had both been around the block and back a few times. When we met and connected, we quickly knew that we were it for each other. Our multitude of experiences made us very certain that we were doing the right thing. 

Flash forward a few weeks, Issy had returned to Seattle with his dad in tow to help us with a few things. It was nice that our dads got to meet and hang out a bit. Having parents and family that live in different states makes the whole family bonding thing super difficult. Issy asked my dad for permission to marry me and it was done. My dad was so great about it. He was thrilled we were getting married and he was confident in our choice. When our dads found out I had already set a date and talked to a judge, they jumped on the support bandwagon. Things were all falling into place. 

We got married on Thursday, April 21st, 2016 at 5 pm… I think? Maybe 5:30? I can’t even remember. I went to work that morning with lots of butterflies in my stomach. That afternoon I checked in to “Inn At The Market” in Pike Place Market and put on my dress that I had picked for the occasion (shout out to Lorie who met me on whim to help me make the final decision- having you there was special for me). Then I took an Uber to the courthouse to meet Issy, my dad, and Jenny and Jeff (our other witnesses). As I checked into the courthouse I was surprised at how many other couples were there getting married. When Issy walked off the elevator with a bouquet of flowers for me, I knew that everything was perfect. Our ceremony was quick and efficient. Thanks to my dad, Jeff, and Jenny, we have some great pictures to remember the day by. And just like that- we were married. We went out for a really nice dinner right after and were in bed by 11. The next day, I went to work for a few hours and then grabbed my certificate to start the process for a new driver’s license and social security card. Needless to say, Friday April 22nd was efficient. 

Over the next few days we shared the news with more of our friends and family. Most were super supportive and happy that we had done what was best for us. Heck, most were happy that WE were happy. Then there were the few who weren’t so pleased or supportive. Someone had the nerve to ask me, “Is that really what your mom would have wanted?” Right there- that’s one reason why I didn’t do the whole big ceremony thing. The whole day would have been about that. And to answer that question (as I did then) my mom thought the drive-thru chapel in Las Vegas was the ideal wedding. That’s the gospel truth. So going to the courthouse was sort of a step up from that… Of course, I wish my mom could have been there. I missed her so much and still miss her every damn day. I don’t feel like I would have disappointed her- which was the implication. In fact, I feel like I honored her. My mom was a huge proponent of doing things that were best for yourself and being confident in your choices. I did those things. I did them with certainty and I would do it all over again.

I know people who have spent some serious money on their wedding and LOVED their day. I know people who spent some serious money on their wedding day and regretted it. I have known some people were getting married and complained about not having the budget to do things the way they really wanted. I know those who have had smaller weddings and those who have done destination weddings. And I have been in A LOT of weddings. Ultimately, you have to do what you and your partner want to do. You have to live with all the choices and be happy with them. Just because I had a courthouse wedding doesn’t mean I think bigger ceremonies are stupid! I personally just didn’t want one. We didn’t want to spend the money on one- even though my dad would have paid for it in a second. But I didn’t want to ask him. And Issy and I wanted to put our money towards building our life together. The courthouse was convenient, simple, and was 100% about Issy and I. It was perfect for who we are as a couple.

I often get asked if I regret not having a dress to pass on to my daughter. No. That’s just not a thing for me. If Rosemary decides to get married and have a massive wedding, we support her! She can create her own traditions and embrace her own vision. Who knows? Maybe she will go to the courthouse? Honestly, I have no opinion on the matter. She has to make her own decisions and be happy with them. I don’t want her to do one thing or another just to try and make us happy… life is too short for that kind of stuff. 

Embrace falling in love the way you want to fall in love and if you choose to get married, embrace that too and find your own way! Everyone will always have an opinion based on their experiences and that’s ok! Take it all in. Listen to it. Then do what is best for your partnership. 

And to people who have said I didn’t have a “real” wedding… shut up. 

Shari On Unconventional Grief

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Shari On Unconventional Grief

Grief is described in the dictionary as “very great sadness, especially at the death of someone.”

What about another form of grief? Grief that feels socially unacceptable, grief that is defined as grieving the loss of someone still alive.  The term is relatively new to me but also so familiar, namingly ‘unconventional grief’. I argue that unconventional grief can simply be felt in normal everyday stages of life, especially when those stages come with unplanned, life altering, and dare I say, gut-wrenching changes.

** Before I tell you about what led me to my realization of how unconventional grief has manifested in my life, I want to acknowledge that sadness over the loss of a loved one is valid, heartbreaking, and painful.  If you have lost someone you love, my heart and soul sympathizes with you.  I am achingly aware that grief is ever evolving and never completely goes away.

My unconventional grief hit me hard at the age of 26 when my oldest brother informed me he was moving his family to Columbus, Ohio… 2,500 miles across the United States.  My heart sank, my pulse quickened, and I was torn between showing excitement at my brother’s new opportunity and the overwhelming sadness pouring out of me.  I pushed every emotion aside and toasted to my brother’s new adventure.  Later that evening when I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, I told myself to stop. I thought about all the people I knew with family in other states and I told myself to suck it up, be happy for my brother, plan trips to visit them, and deal with it. In the months to follow I did suppress all of those emotions and focused on my brother’s family and their upcoming move.  I helped them pack, I spent as much time with my little nieces and nephews as possible (see picture of me kissing my youngest niece), and I trained for a half marathon to distract myself/ try to deal with the pain I couldn’t control.

It wasn’t until years later that I finally acknowledged my legitimate grief during that season of life. What I wouldn’t do to go back and hug that 26 year old version of myself and tell her to allow herself to be sad and not to bottle it up.  

Now when I hear of friends or family that are grieving a change in their life or a loved one moving away or their children growing up too quickly, I am the first to tell them that their unconventional grief is acceptable, understandable, and normal.

What unconventional grief have you bottled up?  

Acknowledge it, allow yourself to be sad, cry, and simply feel it.

I promise the sadness will dissipate, you will find happiness again.