Tag: marriage

Kendall: Reflections on Marriage

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Marrying my husband after six and a half months was the best decision of my entire life.

Before I dive into my marriage though, let me say this: not everyone should get married that quickly. Ok, that’s out of the way…

Issy and I got married at the courthouse and then only days later, moved to a whole new country. Talk about change; we have endured it in spades. Committing to Israel was one of the most sacred and intimate things I have ever done. The commitment that we have made to each other both spiritually and legally is the binding of our book that houses our story. Investing in him changed my life (for the better). It allowed me to grow my own family. Being with my husband has made me more open to change. Last month (April) marked our 7 year anniversary. I have absolutely no 7 year itch. Our love for each other is deeper than it was in 2016. Our life is more beautiful than ever. We know each other better and we prioritize each other and our children over anyone and anything else. Our binding to each other isn’t a prison but is actually the most freeing part of my life.

Not every moment has been cake. We have faced our struggles in so many different areas of our life. We cope with things differently. Issy is the “talk it out” one while I am the “leave me alone to digest” one. We have conflict. We have scary life moments. We have days where it’s hard to communicate because we are just so caught up in everything. But we always come back together because we are each other’s peace. Together, we are stronger. Together, we figure it out. Being his wife makes me happy. It’s not the only role I have but it is one of my most valuable. To love someone in all the good, bad, ugly, raw, and beautiful moments and have them love you the same way in return is humbling.

After 7 years, here’s what I know so far:
1) Court each other. Don’t stop dating and learning about one another.
2) Check your ego at the door. You aren’t the only one that matters. Marriage is humbling so be prepared to question yourself but find an even better version of yourself.
3) Don’t forget sex. It matters. A lot. Intimacy births not only babies but a deeper connection to one another.
4) Don’t be petty. There may be a lot of things that bother you sometimes but if you are going to bring everything up, you only look like you can’t handle sharing your life and like you are out to hurt your partner. Be above it.
5) Respect other couples. Don’t compare yourselves to anyone. That is dangerous to not only your own self but to the foundation of your marriage.
6) Prioritize each other. No one comes before your wife or husband (well, your kids, but you get what I am saying). Don’t allow friends or family to play games with your relationship or try and dictate anything. That’s toxic for all involved.
7) Remember that every phase of your relationship is a season. You will grow, have different responsibilities and trials, and life changes. Go through it all together.

My only regret is that I didn’t meet my husband sooner and that I spent so much time trying to figure the whole love thing out. But I met him when I was supposed to and that gives me so much peace and gratefulness for what I learned before him.

Some people call marriage nothing more than a piece of paper. If you are thinking about it that way, then yeah- you shouldn’t get married and that’s all good. Love and commitment come in different forms. With that said, I also think we are in this weird place where we shame people for getting married and/or we expect them to fail because, well, lots of marriages do. My last piece of advice is this– if you love someone, take a chance. But do it because you love that person- not because you love the idea of that person or what life could be like. Those things are important but mean nothing if you don’t fully love the person. If you are too scared, you are leaving the door open for either of you to walk away from each other. Marriage can be challenging enough- don’t make it harder.

Photo by George Dolgikh on Pexels.com

Kendall on Living Across the Country (Sometimes the World) From Family

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Kendall on Living Across the Country (Sometimes the World) From Family

When I first moved to Spain in 2016, it was the first time I had ever lived away from the vast majority of my family. Everyone told me I would be homesick. Truthfully, I wasn’t. Maybe it was the wonder of living in a foreign country. Maybe it was just time for me to carve my own path forward with my new family. My husband is a pro at moving around and has been away from his family since he was 18 years old and went off to college. New places, new faces, and new ways of life didn’t scare him. I was a little nervous at first mainly because of the language barrier in Spain. Looking back though, that experience has made me super adaptable (I know, I know- insert shock and awe here). Anyways, I really enjoyed life away from everything I had known. Rather than being scared, I felt peaceful. I felt like I was finally defining myself on my own terms (like, really, just my own). When you are stripped down to just you- no job, new friends, new family, and new experiences, you really do figure out who the heck you are and who you want to be. And in all that, there is a lot of opportunity for things to go south. There is also a chance that you will come out of it a much stronger person. I have and because of that, I am a better person.

There were some times when I missed my family- of course! I was used to seeing them all the time! I really missed having them around when I was pregnant. After Rosemary was born, Issy and I both really wanted to have our families close by to witness all the little things that she was learning and experiencing. As someone who was raised by my grandmother, I do understand and value the idea of family. I would not trade all the grandparent time I got for anything in the world. I loved our big family holidays that took up full weekends. I miss that stuff. I miss feeling connected to my many cousins. But the truth is that, at present, our path is not in WA or TX (where my husband’s family resides). Our path is here in Vermont. In some ways, that’s made the pandemic easier; less people to see. In some ways, it is also fair. We aren’t choosing one person’s family over the other. We are neutral. Also, our decisions are definitely our own. There are no other voices- just ours. And I mean that kindly! Everyone only wants the best for us and I know everyone has truly good opinions and ideas… but for us, it has really strengthened our bond as partners. We have to listen to and trust in each other- just us two. 

The bad thing about living away from your family? Well, there lots of bad things! Not only do we miss them but we also worry. I worry about my grandparents because they are getting older (though I have made them promise me that they will never die so… why am I worrying?). I worry about my dad being isolated at home during the pandemic. Issy wants nothing more than to hangout with his best friend (his sister, Dina). He also misses his mom and dad and worries about them going to work and being out and about while Covid-19 is raging on in our country. If something were to happen to ANY of our family, it’s not easy to get a flight from VT to our home states. Layovers, layovers, layovers. 

Moving away can be scary. It may not work out for you. And that’s ok. For us, it’s hard BUT it has worked out. We like our story and we like our path. We make it a point to get on the phone with our families often. I talk to my dad via FaceTime once a day, every day. I manage to FaceTime with my grandparents about once or twice a week so that they can see Rosemary. It all works out. As we start thinking about what’s next, we know that we are most likely never going “home” again. In fact, when we do go back to our birthplaces, it doesn’t feel like home. It all feels different. There is a lot of nostalgia and a lot of good memories but the future of our family is elsewhere. The one big thing I learned after I left Seattle is that home is where your heart is. And mine is wherever Issy, Bella, and Rosemary are.