Parenting – The Salty Exchange

Kendall On Parenting: The Struggle Is Real

November 12, 2020by thesaltyexchangeLeave a Comment

Today’s post is short and sweet.

Ok everyone- parenting is a freaking trip. As the mom of a 2 year old, life is always exciting. They are learning so many fun things. They are also learning how to throw tantrums. Today, Rosemary threw a total hissy fit during lunch and, to this moment, I am not entirely sure what was wrong. She was so upset that she took her pasta sauce and smeared it all over her face. She then proceeded to take her fork and hit her table, herself, and me with it. I was trying to grab said fork away from her and was using my best and most firm voice that usually makes others straighten up and listen but this little girl could have cared less. Throughout all of this, she was screaming and crying. This isn’t abnormal for her or for the age. Some days, she just needs to tantrum. That’s fine. Usually I can cope with it and redirect. But sometimes, I really just want to scream and hide somewhere watching Netflix, eating chips, and drinking wine. Classy- I know.

Homer gets me.

Despite these trying moments, I am fiercely protective of my kid. We had an amazing 18 months of mutual devotion. For her first 13 months, I was her food source. Then I was her snuggle buddy and protector. Now I am pretty sure she hates me. She would rather play and walk with everyone else. I kind of hate that. By “kind of” I mean greatly. I greatly hate that she doesn’t really ever seem to want me anymore. She is independent and off to the races. And truthfully, that is so lovely. I couldn’t be prouder of her independence, her curiosity, and her smarts. I am just jealous that sometimes she wants others more than me. I grew her, birthed her, and fed her; I want to be important to her for a bit longer before I am cast to the side.

Alright, my dramatics aside: she loves me. I know this. I know that she is going to leave home and be her own woman. That is GOOD. That is how it is supposed to be. I want her to have everything she sets her mind to (I know, I know- not possible but I still wish it). More than anything, as her mom, I just want to be able to keep up; no shrinking away from the tantrums, no jealousy over who she prefers over me in the moment. I am always looking for ways to keep it “fresh.” By that I mean that I am always looking for ways to teach R new things. Thankfully, there are so many resources these days to choose from that showcase the different styles of play and learning… but the downside is that there are a lot of resources these days to chose from that showcase the different styles of play and learning. It can be a bit over saturating and make me feel more pressured to pick the “right” approach. After all, none of the different methods are going to make her better than any other kid- it really just comes down to me picking the right activities for us and what I can realistically help create with and for her. The journey to trying to be a good mom is a daily one that I take. Staying home with Rosemary is one of the hardest and most privileged things I have ever done. I never had the desire to be a stay-at-home-mom. Like, ever. It’s just something that has happened through a series of life things. I struggle with it- see my previous post on the decision to stay home. I am not an Instagram worthy mom. I sort of just go with the flow and let Rosemary lead me and from there, I make plans and buy books/toys accordingly. And still, I always feel like I am not doing enough as her mom. For that matter, I always wonder if I am being enough. I know I could be more patient, more creative, and more spontaneous. We are working on it or should I say, I am always working on it.

As I am writing this, I just heard Rosemary say, “I want mommy. Where’s mama?” I AM MELTING. MELTING. It’s not often she asks for me but that could be because I am always around. Rosemary is my heart wrapped up in flesh and bone. She is what makes me want to not just be a better mom, but a better human. With that said, if she could ease up on her tantrums, I would not object.

From Super Aunt Shari To Super Stepmom

June 30, 2020October 12, 2020by thesaltyexchangeLeave a Comment

Let’s start with the facts: I am an aunt to 8 kids, 4 boys and 4 girls. I became an aunt at the age of eighteen and like clock work, a child was born every two years after that. My oldest brother has 6 kids and my other brother has 2 kids. At the age of thirty two, my youngest niece was born right around my birthday in October.

But who really cares about me being an aunt? Well, I wasn’t just ANY aunt. In my early years of being “Auntie Shari”, I was the young, fun, and super involved aunt who saw the kids every week. I played with them, had special auntie dates with them, and people often thought they were my kids (they are all blondes like me).

What did spending so much time with them teach me? I learned what it meant to be an aunt and what a special role I played in their lives. I learned that their mom and dad always had the final say. I learned that I couldn’t discipline them but I could let them know what was and wasn’t okay. I learned that it was a privilege to be the fun, funny, and loving aunt and I hope that is how they remember me during those early years. When I was twenty six my oldest brother with the 5 (now 6) kids moved to Ohio. I grieved their move like I was grieving a death. I know it sounds dramatic but Washington to Ohio is a big move for our Pacific Northwest based family. Plus, did I mention I saw them weekly if not more?! Those kids were everything to me. The impact of their move floored me and was an identity shift that I will dig into on another blog post.

Now, nearly 6 years post their move to Ohio (where they still currently live), I just got married and have started a family of my own. Not a conventional family but a blended family. I am lucky enough to be a stepmom to 3 amazing kids. Very quickly after getting introduced as their dad’s “girlfriend” I easily slipped into that ‘fun aunt’ role with them. Similarly to how I respected my brother and sister-in-law as my nieces’ and nephews’ parents, I accept my husband and his ex-wife as my step kids’ parents. I learned so much from being an involved aunt that I can now apply to being a hands-on, loving, and fun stepmom.

Tickle fights, one-on-one dates, slow to anger (which means remembering that they are just kids), building sand castles, watching them play video games, throwing the football, belly laughs, the same movies and music on repeat, and keeping all their favorite snacks stocked…I have been inducted into the stepmom hall of fame and I am here for it. All of it. The good, the bad, the ugly, and all those beautiful moments in between.

Oftentimes I find myself saying “ask your dad” or “what do you normally get to do” which helps differentiate that I am not their mom or dad, I am a special person in their life but not the one biologically responsible. Trust me I love them fiercely but, let’s be real, like any kid they can get on your last nerve… lol. Thankfully, they are also incredibly easy to love and give love in return.

So if you are a stepmom (or stepdad) and having a rough time, I suggest changing your mindset to the fun aunt (or uncle). I also suggest remaining calm and communicating well with your spouse. Give yourself some grace and when all else fails, book a family getaway weekend and make some fun new memories.

Kendall on Mothering A Girl: Part 1

June 30, 2020September 25, 2020by thesaltyexchangeLeave a Comment

When my husband and I found out we were having a baby, we were ecstatic. A few months later, we were told we were having a boy. I am ashamed to admit I breathed a huge sigh of relief. So much of my experience in being a woman (at the time) was super tainted and had made me feel a little jaded. Everything I was always felt underrated; nothing I did ever made me “enough.” Meanwhile, I saw men with less smarts, talent, and drive able to move forward in every aspect of their lives simply because they were given more value and the respect of having the benefit of the doubt. Suffice to say, the relief I felt at having a boy made me feel like I would have less to battle in terms of raising him in a world that is truly set up for him on some level. Please note, I do not mean that men have it made. I know they don’t. Especially men of color. I just felt less dread. Maybe you can understand that and maybe you can’t. Either way, it was what I felt.

Then, a few weeks later, we discovered that little Ben (what we had decided to name the baby) was not little Ben. Ben became Rosemary (named after my mother). Issy was ecstatic to be a dad to a girl. My heart fluttered and I smiled in total bliss. I was also excited because, let’s be honest, baby stuff for girls tends to be a bit more varied and exciting than it is for boys… which is total crap and I will address this in a future post. I knew a little lady would be so much fun to raise. In the car on the way home from the clinic, my stomach started knotting; the dread had set in. A girl. The fight had already started. My mind blew up with the following thoughts:

We live in a world where being a woman is not always valued. We live in a world where women have to fight for basic rights and respect. Being a woman in the world today has never been so complicated. Sure, there are lots of opportunities… but not all of them are available to us. We aren’t paid fairly. Our decision to wear a sexy outfit makes us the target of uneducated men who can’t keep it in their pants. Once we say, “Yes” to sex, we can’t change our minds without conflict. We are held to a higher standard to be nice and polite and “ladylike.” Our success rides on us being aggressive, but not too aggressive. Calling someone out on their shit earns you the title of “bitch.” A woman with smarts is still expected to start at the bottom and earn the right to learn and the right to climb the ladder. But men? Not always. They just need to flirt with HR a little to negotiate their salary and position title… and yes, that’s a true story from a young man growing in his career from intern to young professional. Their strength and confidence are considered just that… strength and confidence. What makes this so impossibly infuriating is that men are always given the benefit of the doubt. Women have to earn that right.

Round and round my mind went analyzing my experiences. And that was just in the past decade… as I thought further back, I cringed. I remember a teacher telling me that the reason I struggled with math is because girls tend to have minds that are meant for literature and history over science and math. I remember being told that “good girls” are quiet by my 4^th grade teacher. And she didn’t mean it in the sense that I was too loud. She truly meant soft spoken… those were the girls she praised in class. On and on my head continued to pull up a lot of buried memories. The next day after my husband went to work, I cried. I cried because I already wanted so badly to run into battle to protect her.

In the midst of everything that is going on in the world, I am aware of how I react to it all will imprint on her. I don’t want to fill her head with the idea that being a woman is hard and create this chip on her shoulder before she is able to navigate and conquer the world on her own. What I want to do is to give her the skills to know herself well, to be articulate, and to not be afraid of a challenge. I think that is what most parents want for their child- girl OR boy. What makes the journey harder for me is that I don’t want to taint her with my own experiences. I don’t want her to see me process my own life as a woman and then carry that on her to own. How do I tell her that? How do I live that?

I am working on it. Rosemary is only 21 months and I am already so in awe of her. She is capable of so much and is learning so much. When thinking about her future, I don’t have the same dread as I did when she was growing in my belly. I still have some dread and a lot of concerns but I know that Issy and I are able to navigate it. It’s going to be a day by day thing. And that’s ok. For now, issues like this aren’t important. What’s important to Rosemary is that I wrap up this blog and help her eat breakfast. For now, that’s all.