Tag: Tips and Tricks

Shari: Tips and Tricks on Surviving the Emotional Circus

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Hormones! Why do women have to deal with hormones? Especially around that special time of the month? It’s a rhetorical question; I am not really expecting an answer. But let me tell you… I am NOT a fan of being overly sensitive for several days out of the month. If you tell me I have too many dishes in the sink or that I haven’t been to the gym in a while I may want to simultaneously punch you and cry at the same time. Ahem. Can anyone else relate?

I’m saying this all as a typically even tempered, self-aware, and happy-go-lucky person. Yes, EVEN I HAVE MY MOMENTS! 

In the last few months all of the above has happened to me. I have been super sensitive and triggered by almost everything my family said. I know, I know- not my finest hour but I learned a lot from it and remember clearly how I felt. I felt underappreciated, unseen, and unhappy. If this is what women feel like when they are depressed or anxious I can only imagine adding the pressures of being a mother, or dealing with pre/during/post-partum. Sigh. I have more respect for women (and myself) now than I ever have. 

Although I’m not perfect, I am proud of myself for how I handled my emotions while my hormones performed their monthly circus act. Let’s get into that… I could feel the irritation from simple comments build up as I was making brunch from scratch. I could feel my resentment towards every, “I’m hungry, when is breakfast?” comment as I counted down the minutes it took for the pancakes to rise. I was tired; my body fighting against me with a slight headache growing and my Tylenol taking its sweet time to kick in. I fought the urge to say, “Make your own breakfast” or “I’m done, all I want to do is lay down and curl into the fetal position.” Instead I stood there in the kitchen and made a gourmet breakfast while everyone else played on their devices. I’m happy to announce that the brunch was served, bellies were full, and the Tylenol FINALLY took effect. I didn’t let my pain or emotions get the best of me. Until a simple, “The kitchen always has so many dishes in the sink,” comment sent me into a self destructive spiral internally. Externally, I only slightly defended the dishes by reminding them that the kitchen was spotless only an hour ago… had no one had apparently noticed it then?! My blood boiling, my eyes watering, and my hormones raging… I decided it was a great time to go to the garden and water the plants. This is where I am the most proud of myself from taking some distance from the issue. I acknowledged that I was overly sensitive. I planned a reasonable response to any future comments about the dishes (ahem, I will welcome that comment as an offer to help clean the dishes), and I felt myself relax. The hormones stopped spinning out of control and what seemed like a bubble of emotions finally popped. The rest of the day got easier and so did my ability to take comments in stride.

Why do I tell you that story? Well, I know it is relatable. I know we all have our moments where a simple comment, even a well intended comment, can be taken the wrong way and handled poorly just because our hormones are raging. It’s not fair that women have to deal with this so often. All of our efforts to be a good mom, a diligent wife, a thoughtful daughter, and caring sister or friend often feel unnoticed and unreciprocated. We have to realize that if something happened to us today… people will remember the collection of moments where we made them feel loved and special. They’ll remember those moments and how we made them feel long after we are gone. It’s easy to say, don’t let your hormones or emotions get the best of you. But it is true. Do your best to NOT let the emotional waves drown you. Acknowledge how you are feeling, give yourself some distance, and ask yourself, “Why is this hurting my feelings or making me sensitive?” Then work through it, let it go, and know you aren’t in this alone. Every woman is somewhere along the same path.

Lastly and most importantly, I want you to know that despite what you inherently tell yourself, you are SEEN, you are HEARD, and you are doing a DAMN GOOD JOB! 

Shari’s Thoughts On Energy Vampires

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Shari’s Thoughts On Energy Vampires

As a natural optimist, I understand that not everyone is on my level of positivity. That said, there are definitely people out there that (quite literally) suck the joy out of the air. I am sure you know someone that leaves you feeling stressed out, depleted, and guilty. They come in various forms but most commonly as the victim, the over-exaggerator, and the guilt-tripper! I will share with you some basic ways I have identified these types of people in my life and what have I done to protect myself from getting my energy zapped out from underneath me.

**Let’s get this out of the way: I am not an expert but I have had my fair share of friends/acquaintances in these categories.**

Here are some identifying traits of these energy vampires:

The victim is typically a person that always has a sob-story and nothing is ever their fault. They blame others and often make it seem like the world is against them. A key feeling to watch out for is your physical reaction around these people. Are you uncomfortable? Do you wish you could just tell them to take ownership and move forward? If that is the case then you are probably dealing with someone who is draining your energy by playing the victim. 

The over-exaggerator can take any situation and blow it out of proportion. Even a simple trip to the grocery store can seem like a scene from a movie. Their emotions are usually extremely  good or horribly bad with a story to accompany the feelings. Their need to be the center of attention goes from charming to narcissistic quickly and simply being around them is draining. Watch out for that feeling of dread when they enter a room. Acknowledge how you feel when they talk AT you, rather than TO you. Simply notice if you feel like you don’t matter when they are around. 

The guilt-tripper is a more subtle energy vampire because they can hold a normal conversation but tend to veer off-topic and start blaming others at some point. Or my favorite example of a guilt-tripper is when you mention how great it is to see them, they quickly remind you that you know where they live and have their phone number, as if that doesn’t obviously go both ways. This type of person is harder for me to identify until I have left the conversation feeling (you guessed it) guilty. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for their blame. A key skill to build is remaining neutral and not accepting their accusations, no matter how innocent they may seem. Often the best and most inconspicuous guilt-trippers are family.

Now that we have identified several energy vampire traits, let’s discuss some ways to combat them. Like I mentioned before, pay attention to your physical reaction to other people, your body is an impressive indicator and will react subconsciously. Trust yourself, listen to red flags, and don’t down-play your intuition. The feeling of dread when someone walks in the room, is NOT a normal feeling. Stop and ask yourself “why do I feel this way” and pay attention to the interaction you have with that person and notice how they are being an energy vampire.

Next, I recommend you protect yourself; commonly known as setting boundaries or simply telling someone “this is what I can do for you, and this is what I can’t.” When you set boundaries it is easy for the other person to become defensive or feel attacked by you drawing a clear line in the sand. Do not engage. Stay neutral, stay focused, and make the decision to NOT react. It isn’t your job to explain why your boundary feels right for you, it is only your responsibility to make the boundary and for them to respect it.

My last suggestion for how to combat energy vampires is to be aware enough to notice who those people are in your life and take a conscious step back from them. Think about the type of people you want around you, hey, even think about yourself and what traits you may possess that could attract those people? Are you empathetic and people come to you with sob stories because you make them feel better… stop being their garbage can that they are allowed to dump their emotional trash in. Or think of the law of attraction… if you are an angry person, you may attract angry people into your circle. A little self-awareness work goes a long way and you’d be amazed to see how the people around you change too.

Regardless of the type of energy vampire you are dealing with, you are capable of walking away, addressing the issue, and/or setting boundaries. If you have any questions or want to discuss this topic further, feel free to leave a comment below.