Kendall On Friendships

When we talk about the pillars that give our lives meaning, we often say that friendship is one of those essential pillars. Friendships- specifically, good friendships- can bring A LOT of joy to your life. For me, I have found that friendships are an essential part of my mental health… in both good and bad ways. In my 33 years, I have learned a lot about not only friendships, but about how to try and be a good friend. Trust me when I say that those things are also always evolving and changing as my life changes and I grow up. 

The truth is- I am generally terrible at picking friends. I tend to give a lot of trust and stock to people who really aren’t good friends to me. With that said, I need to tell you that this does not mean that these people are terrible people/friends in any way. You aren’t meant to jive with everyone on the planet and that’s totally ok. As they say, there is a top for every pot and this adage definitely applies to friendships. Now that that’s out of the way, I also need to say that I have some genuinely GOOD friends. Friends who I trust with my heart in all it’s great and not so great moments (and trust me there is a healthy balance of both) are limited in number. Some of my truest friends are the ones that aren’t in my life every day (actually probably most of my friends since I live in the random yet lovely state of Vermont). Despite the distance, knowing you can call someone and jump right into a conversation that is both easy, thoughtful, and fun isn’t something you find with everyone. The truth is, friendship does take a little bit of work. And that level of work is up to you and that friend. Finding a rhythm is important to establishing and maintaining that friendship. 

What I have discovered is important to me in friendships are the following:

1. Expectation Management: I don’t like to be let down and I loathe letting people down. Being realistic about what I need from friends has helped me to make better friendship choices in recent years.
2. Authenticity: When you can pee on the phone with a friend- you know that’s the real deal. And even if I don’t have to pee, knowing that I can is what makes someone real special in my heart. And if you don’t understand that- that’s totally cool. You just are not a top to my pot.
3. Frequency: I do not need to talk to my friends every day. I mean, it’s not that I wouldn’t, it’s more a matter of life. Expecting someone (this goes back to expectation management) to check in often can be a lot. My friends have really full lives outside of me and by all means, they gotta live them. Checking in when we can and making goals to get on the phone are truly good enough. 
4. My Hard Limit: Any friend that makes me question my every feeling, word, or action is not the friend for me. I do not need a friend to be my parent. So condescension is a big no no for me. Inconsistency in behavior? I don’t have time for that crap. I am personally just not mature enough to handle drama. I had drama a-plenty in my younger years… and that’s where it stays. 

Full disclosure: I AM NOT A PERFECT FRIEND. I can be quick to judge, overly loyal (which sounds good but actually isn’t), easily distracted, and, yes, at times inconsistent- and not because I intend to be that way but sometimes trying to balance the pressures of family can make me a little, well, forgetful. I am working on it. I look back on some past behaviors, and trust me, I cringe. I get a pit in my stomach. WHAT was I thinking? WHY would I act that way? Ugh. But, I have grown up and changed and I want to be a good friend to those around me. 

Living far away from our families the past five years has taught us that honestly, friends- if the situation is right, can be your family. Friendship is a truly beautiful and fragile thing. Knowing who you can trust with the most silly, ugly, and beautiful parts of yourself isn’t exactly easy. As someone who used to give myself to friends too easily and thus face disappointment, sometimes betrayal, and unnecessary drama, I don’t take those that I call “friend” lightly anymore. They are an essential part of my life and quite truthfully, help shape and make me better. And Lord knows, I have definitely matured in recent years. I would be lost without some of you- and you know who you are. So thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for just being YOU. I know some of us haven’t always had an easy path… but that’s ok. It’s still good to know that we made it to this point. 

To those I have hurt (and yes, I know there are some), I am sorry. Really.

To those that have hurt me (and yes, I am assuming you know who you are), I forgive you. For reals. 

To those that I love- I love you. More than you probably know. 

And that’s all, friends.