Kendall: This Is 34

This year’s birthday was the most mellow yet. Since the big day happened to fall on a Monday, we opted to celebrate over the weekend. We enjoyed my favorite take out, watched my favorite shows, and drank many a fancy mocktail. On my actual birthday, I was exhausted so I went and got my favorite latte and bagel and then crashed for a few hours on the couch with my kiddo. We ended the evening with a fancy Costco dinner of hot dogs for Issy and a chicken bake for me. It was nothing special but it was relaxing; which is exactly what I needed.

For the past few years, I have forgotten my age. Seriously, I always forget which thirty something I am. I just don’t care. Age has never been a big deal to me. Yes, I am getting older… but that doesn’t really scare me… yet! Maybe this will all change at some point but for now, my age just doesn’t really matter. I also REALLY hate attention. I don’t like public shout outs (but I do like to give them to the people I love so I have been told I am a hypocrite when it comes to this). I don’t like people paying attention to me. Perhaps it’s all the years of growing up and people telling me I must love attention that made me completely shy away from it. I never loved it and when you have people telling you do like you are some kind of crazy attention seeker, it made me run the other way. Who knew saying “Happy Birthday” to me could turn in to such a debacle?

This year is going to be a big year for me. I will be birthing my second child, my husband will be finishing up some big things, and my daughter will start preschool. Our whole way of life is going to be upended. Naturally this has me thinking about things I need to let go of, things I need to plan for, and things I need to work on. This whole year is also reminding me that I need to keep loving myself. That may sound silly but it something I struggle with and work on daily. My gut reaction to any circumstance in life is to turn inward and basically blame or hate myself. Why couldn’t I be better? Why didn’t I plan for that? And the list of unhealthy self-loathing questions goes on. This has never served me well and has even turned me into a version of myself that I really don’t like or ever want to be. So I have had to find ways to be better and not turn to that way of thinking. I need to continue to work on pushing that away and letting things go. For a long time, I was SUPER insecure. This was exploited by that negative thinking and even negative people. While I grew out of that a while ago, the trauma of living, thinking, and speaking like that has been slow to heal. Oddly enough, being a mother to my daughter has helped me to let that stuff go. It has no place in helping shape a decent human. When she looks at me or cries for me or is driving me downright crazy, I see myself in a whole new way and it’s a way that is really good for me to experience. I have to be better not just for her but for myself; I can’t expect to mother well if I carry all that baggage around. AND truthfully, it has no power or relevance in the current life I lead. What does have power is working on my patience (which is tried daily by a toddler) and kindness (also tried daily by a toddler, a world where there is so much to be afraid of, and constant worry of “what’s next”). I don’t want to be 35, 39, 42, or 50 and still trying to acknowledge this stuff. I want 34 to be the year of finally just letting go. Breathing it all in on one breath and breathing it all out right after. This is the year.

As a 34 year old, I still feel young. Heck I am young! I am not that old but because I have children, people automatically assume you must be more ancient than you are- which is an unfair stigma. BUT hey, so is the decision to not have children. People are just brutal to each other some times. We are especially brutal about the aging process. Do I physically look different than I did a decade ago? SURE DO. Am I healthier than I was a decade ago? SURE AM. My face has more freckles, sometimes I see a hint of a double chin, my butt has changed, my boobs are bigger, my size is bigger but I am still healthier than I have ever been. I can workout pretty well (ok, well right now my belly is in the way and it is getting hard to do my regular routine so I am down to just walking- but still), I eat healthy, and I am actually happy. I am not perfect and have lots to work on but I am just happy. I am happy to be living in Vermont, have my family, and be who I am. Sometimes, I do feel alone. Being a mom in the pandemic can be a lonesome journey and being a pregnant mom in the pandemic can be even more lonesome still. There are far more interesting people out there to hang out with but I think I am still pretty cool. And I only plan on getting cooler, so come on 34!

I used to take a lot of selfies. Maybe it was the confidence or the fact that I used to do my hair and make up every day and now I definitely don’t… BUT, this is me. This is 34.